lisajoelsmom's Journal

                             Dear Joel,

                                I know it has been a long time since I have wrote, but everytime I started to write for some reason I just couldn't.  I have finally realized you are not ever coming home and God will not let me leave to be with you just yet. But a day will come when my name like yours is called, I can't wait to see you my son, will you remember me or know who I am?  Will you look the same, will I look the same to you?  I miss you so very much... words could never express the heartache and sadness since you went away.  Everyone says you are in a better place, but I am selfish I wanted you here with me forever, but since, I have realized nothing is forever and never was as I once thought.  I am so lonely, I have Jackie (your sister) but our little family is not the same without you.  Your baby boy looks so much like you, he reminds me of you, but he is not you, I try not to compare, however he is hyperactive just as you were at that same age (11).  He has the girls chasing him, he is so handsome, and like you when he comes over he sprays Bill's Polo all over himself he thinks of it as a "chick magnet".  He even asked your sister to go to a dance with him if this one little girl he likes says no.  Jackie says,

"Brendon, I am your aunt, and you don't take your aunt to a dance, and besides I am only 10 years old and mama won't let me date until I am what she calls "middle aged." LOL  They fight like cats and dogs, but love each other, Brendon always takes up for Jackie, he punched a little boy on the playground because he pushed Jackie, when I told him that was not the right thing to do he replied, "he'd do it again" "because nobodys' gonna hurt aunt Jackie as long as he is around.  Kids???

Brian say Dwan (Brendon's "ex" mom) she asked about him and asked when she could see him, Brian told her it wasn't up to him to make that decision, it was up to Donny (your biological father) or me since we are his next of kin, so in other words, she will never hurt or torment him again as long as we live.

Joel I miss everything about you, I miss those silly little letters to Jackie with the cat mobiles, the long letters to me expressing how you felt about things, I can no longer read em anymore as most of them burned up in the house, another loss.  I miss your presence, your silly little grin, our talks and vacations, I miss your voice, your smell, just everything about you.  Sometimes my heart just aches, still sometimes I don't get out of the bed all day because I am too depressed. But sometimes I can smile when I think about you and funny little things you used to do.

I still can't understand the "WHYS?"  why god took you in the prime of your life, there where so many things left undone.  But those questions will always remain unanswered.  But why did he have to take you 8 day before my birthday and 9 days before Christmas, why did we have to lay you to rest on Aunt Lisa's birthday?  Christmas will never be the same ever again, the day I loved most now has become another terrible day of mourning.  Sometimes I just wonder how much more I can take, sometimes I think God is not listening or caring, so much has happened since your death, I still can't work, go through horrible anxiety and depression, my back needs surgery, yes perhaps it could be worse, but if it does I don't want to be here any longer to see or feel it.

My precious son, Joel I love you with all of my heart, your flame burns within my inner being what will I do without you? It has been almost 2 years since you left but the pain and the scars will never heal.  One thing I can say is I am not afraid of dying anymore, sometimes I feel this world is like hell on earth.

I have a poem to read at Christmas in the Church for my friends of Compassionate Friends

who grieve as I. for the children they have lost. This poem is for you, entitled, "Today i light a candle for you."  Joel this one is for you, my gift to you this Christmas  I have to go my son, I am going to put your Christmas flowers on your resting spot, they are beautiful just as you are, perhaps I will sit and talk to you awhile...............  Always Remembered...............

                                             Love Always and Forever,

                                             Moma