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Doozer 
11:40am, July 5, 2008
I don't know how I am going to make it. I have never experienced a holiday where I wasn't invited to some sort of get together. My life sucks.
I keep on telling myself "I am the strongest man I know." I tell myself I don't know anyone that could bear this burden and keep functioning. It has been working but it is just another form of denial.
What is this change going to bring about? Who am I going to be when this burden is finally lifted? Am I going to be the homeless drunk? Maybe, I will become cold and uncaring. There is always the chance of becoming master of my mind and emotions. My ego will no longer dictate my actions. False pride could become nonexistent.
Comments
Sould searching questions with no immediate answers. But, I think you're going to surprise yourself. I'm betting that when you look at yourself 4 or 5 years from now, you're going to see a gentler, more secure, more understanding man than you were before before your loss. Gentler, because you'll really get it that none of us knows the burden someone else has to carry. More secure, because you'll know that if you survived this awful awful time, you can handle anything. More understanding, because you've been through the terrible need for understanding when it wasn't there.
If you were closer than 1,000 miles, I would invite you to my house. We could sit on my patio, grill something, drink beer, and cry for each other and the pain we feel. I'm old enough to be your mother, and you could be, for just one day, "the kid" again.
For today, though, wrap your arms around yourself, squeeze, and charge that hug to me.
Jan
jd1982