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Doozer 
11:40am, July 5, 2008
I have been a little distracted lately. Work has turned into a little bit of a high pressure environment. I didn't even realize I wasn't posting any new entries. I damn near forgot about the site. The visit I had with my dad was exactly what I needed. Having family around again was such a boost and has really rejuvenated my spirit.
Comments
I am so very exhausted today. I am amazed that I was able to get out of bed. I have been so stressed out the past two weeks. Something changed yesterday and I am not sure what it was. Yes I cryed again last night. That makes 8 nights in a row. I think finally getting a comformation on my dad coming down for a little while lifted a great burden I was carrying. Knowing I am finally going to have some reall family contact must have released some stress. That is the only thing I can think of. Plus I think it may be the first time I have been excited about something since my wife passed.
I have felt so alone and so desperate for such a long time. I haven't had any physical family contact or even contact from people I have known for more than two months. Keeping up this strong front was crushing me. I have had no where to turn for quite some time now.
Last week I sent my father an email "get down here within a week or you are dead to me" I wrote it and sent it so quickly it was a blur. I feel very guilty for doing this but I didn't know what else to do. I had been crying every night for over a week. I had found my self getting angry easily. I had been trying to get him down here for over a month and nothing was working.
He got the message finally because he will be down here Sat for 4 days. I am so relieved to finally be able to have someone here to talk to, some one that knows me, some one that I can be myslef with. I hate guilt trips, I hate feeling this way.
Comments
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Dammit, Doozer, Give Yourself A Break! You just said that keeping up the strong front was crushing you. That e-mail was a call for help, nothing more, and you have no reason to feel guilty for it.
Here's my guess: Your family would ask "How are you?" and you would say "I'm ok" think I'm a man, I'm not supposed to cry or feel pain, or let anyone know I'm in pain. That's just wrong.
I'm so glad your dad finally realized that you need him and he's coming down to see you. When you see him, you can apologize for your choice of words (if you want to,) but don't apologize for crying out for help.
One more thought, don't be too hard on them for not realizing how much pain you were in. Sometimes people think we're ok, because they don't want us to be in this awful pain, but there's nothing they can do about it.
You have NOTHING to feel guilty about.
Past Entries
| July 2008 |
Saturday, 7/05
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Friday, 7/04
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Thursday, 7/03
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Wednesday, 7/02
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Wednesday, 7/02
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June 2008 |
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Monday, 6/30
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Monday, 6/30
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Monday, 6/30
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I'm so glad you had a good visit with your Dad!! I can imagine how good it was to "get connected" again. Hopefully the pressure at work will slack off soon. Take care of yourself!
Jan
jd1982