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sandart 
8-21-09 Happy Birthday Chris. You were born at 8:12 pm on 8-21-84. I'm sitting here looking at your urn-touching it-kissing it-trying to again come to grips with the fact that the physical part of you in that urn was once part of me. I know your spirit is not confined any longer, but I have to tell you kiddo, this is not getting any easier. Your Dad and I cried last night until I didn't think I could cry anymore. I made it through work today but the minute the car door closed I fell apart again, just like I'm doing now. I don't write a whole lot anymore because I don't know what to write anymore-the pain has not eased up, the sense of loss is not any easier to bear-my whole reason for living is just a question mark hanging in the air. 25 years ago we welcomed you into our family and loved you with all our hearts. Who could have expected that this is how it would turn out. You were protected and loved and adored all your life. I just don't know why you had to leave me. I feel like someone who has been stranded out at sea. I am just bobbing along right now, trying to make some sense out of anything but having the most difficult time finding a reason to keep on going. The horizon looks far away with just a lot of nothingness. In my mind's eye I am back 25 years ago racing to the hospital-well, having to stop for gas because your Dad forget to fill the car. But we made it and I can still feel you laying on my chest, sleeping close to me. I never wanted to let you out of my sight. I remember when you were about 3 and I couldn't imagine how anyone could let their child go and just play-I couldn't figure out how I was ever going to be able to do that. Of course I did. When you started driving and it got dark I would sit on the steps and wait to hear your car come down our road. I could never rest until I heard that car and heard you come in the door. Did I know? Somehow deep inside me did I know that you would leave me? I always carried such fear, such a sense of urgency, that feeling that you were only safe when you were in our house. Why would I feel that? Why was I always so worried? I even dreamed that you died and the feelings I had in the dream were lived out when it really happened. Why couldn't I have stopped this? What good were all these feelings when they couldn't stop what happened? Chris, I am just so lost now. Just so lost.
Comments
Oh Sandy...I am so sorry...it is sooo hard. And, there is no way to make sense of it all. I know that when I allow myself to think of Alex I am back there to that intense pain in an instant. I think that is why I do whatever I can just to stay busy...because the quiet brings the memories. I hope that today that somehow, you can just remember that celebration that you and hubby had when precious Chris was born...a celebration of his birth...peace, love and a big ole hug....Karen
biowoman
I'm sorry that you are hurting....big hugs!
Leosmommy
Happy Birthday Chris. Sandy, I don't think we will ever understand. There is no logical explanation for a parent to lose a child. I very often waited up for my kids at night. On occasion I would drift off to a light sleep waiting for the door and then the soft whisper of "mom I'm home". How I miss those words. I'm so sorry you are feeling so lost. What do we do? I have no answers. Sending you all my love. Robin
Robin4
Thinking of you today. I don't have any answers, but I do have an ear to listen to you, and a shoulder for you to cry on. I'm just like you ... lost.
Think of you often, Kelly
misshim
Happy Birthday Chris. There's nothing to say, only feelings and emotions.....and I feel deeply for you. I pray somehow, someday soon, the horizon will not seem so far, or so meaningless. Hugging you with all my heart, Teri.
RememberKala
i know there are no words that can even begin to ease the pain. i too had an only son who was killed in a car accident. this overwhelming, deep to the core pain is just awful.
misshimsooo
Thank you all so much for your love and understanding. O many just don't understand. My church has a grief support group and I have honestly never really, really told them how bad I hurt. I did at the last meeting and ended up getting "lectured" to and said to myself once again, I will not share this pain anymore unless it is with others who get it and can just put their arm around me and hold me-no meaningless words, no lectures, no-you should be doing this, etc. You all get it and I feel your arms around me. Thank you! Love, Sandy
sandart
Amen, to you last comment, Sandy............love, donna
misshimsooo
Hi Sandy,
I am so sorry I have not responded before now. I have had a house full of visitors for over a week. First friends from Hazel Park, outside of Detroit, then my sister from the Upper Peninsula with her 4 grand kids, then Bud's sister. I don't think I will ever get my house back in order, beds stripped, or caught up on my sleep!!
I remembered it was Chris' birthday, but did not know if you were still wanting comments. I was going to send you a quick "hello" and let you know I was thinking of you and then decided if you wanted communication, you would jouranl. So glad you did.
Sorry you are struggling so. I don't know what to say to make you feel any better, because I know there is no way the facts are going to change, and words will not bring Chris back to you. I think of you so very often, and hope you are finding some positiveness in your life. You have so much to give. I guess the best thing I can do is to tell you I love you and keep you in my prayers. You have my email address and phone numbers if you want to talk. Take care, my friend. My thoughts are with you and Ed both and my heart goes out to you. Love, Dawn
krausehouse
Happy late Birthday to Chris. Sandy, I know your pain. Especially for those of us that have lost our only child know your pain. What purpose in life do we have? Why did this happen to any of our children? I don't write much anymore either because I don't know what to say. Just to know I am thinking of you always., Rhonda
jrjm3050
Sandy sorry I missed Chris's birthday. I so feel your pain and understand. I still feel that way as well. I've never told anyone but I also dreamed Of John's death and how it felt. I prayed against it and it still happened and I could and did do nothing and I wish, as we all do. Your grief group needs a lecture in support and judgement. There should be lots of the first and none of the last. We know we understand and accept this is how it is. Emotions come and go and overwhelm us without notice. Feel my arms around you. Love and hugs Cathy
RockstarsMom