sandart's Journal

5-14-09  Well, when I said I would let it all hang out I guess I didn't know what doors that would open!

I absolutely feel like the discussion that I had with Ed was so cleansing and so helpful.  And then, right in  a row, I was faced with 3 more "issues" that I had to make decisions about.  Things that I could just avoid like usual, just push it all into the background, just pretend like it didn't bother me, and then steam about it-or I could actually do what I said I would and start confronting things head on.

When these things first confronted me I asked myself, what am I doing wrong, because I did not expect that right away I would be pushed to have to assert myself.  It wasn't until after I took each issue and began to deal with it that I realized I wasn't doing anything wrong-this was a life lesson that God is trying to teach me and He is making darn sure I get the message.

I don't feel the need to go into great detail except to say that for each one of these "issues" I had to push myself beyond myself-I had to stop feeling guility for taking a legitimate stand against what is absolutely wrong and stop second guessing what I had to do.  I always live on the guilt edge-should I or shouldn't I say this, or do this?  What if I hurt someone's feelings?  Even if that person is acting like a total jerk, what if I offend them?  And of course the lesson that is being taught to me is:  you are loved, you are worthwhile, you are able to make sensible decisions, and sometimes a person just has to take a stand and that is okay.  No guilt, no looking back, you just have to do it.

Chris would have had no problems with any of this.  He did not worry about "making friends"-he had so many he didn't need to suck up to anyone.  As I handled each issue I could just feel him smiling at me and saying, you go for it Mom, you're doing the right thing. 

How crazy to get to this age and still have to learn so many lessons?!!  But I will keep pushing on and I will not give up.