sandart's Journal

5-9-09  Journaling after losing Chris helped me so much.  I have decided that it might also help me as I struggle to lose the weight I gained since I lost him.

From the time I was 8 I was fat.  Looking back, I believe that much of this came from my mother.  She had gotten pregnant when she was young and had a child and I think she was terrifed that her daughter was going to end up the same way she did.  I remember a doctor telling her that she was going to have to "beat the boys off with a stick" because I was so pretty (pre-8 years old)!  I don't know if this is what struck fear into her heart but all I know is that I steadily gained weight after that.  She took me to doctors but right after the doctor visit she would make all kinds of desserts and fattening foods-buy all kinds of stuff at the store-and then I would be yelled out for eating it and gaining more weight.  I must also add that my mother was an alcoholic.

By the time I was in 7th grade I was 5 ft. 10 inches tall and weighed 170 pounds.  I think it odd that I can remember that-but I know what I have weighed at every moment of my life and I don't think that is "normal".  I can remember what I wore to school that day and how much bigger I felt than any other girl in my class.  My school life was pure hell-I was made fun of literally every day all the way through high school.  I was harpooned in one class with the large rulers the teachers have at the front of the room.  Walking to school the guys would yell out of the car that I was "the ugliest son of a bitch they had ever seen".  I remember going home in tears only to have my mother also yell at me for being fat.  My only salvation through school was my studies-I lost myself in my books and in study.  My mother died when I was 17 and before she died she told me that the reason she also abused and yelled at me was that this is what she had been told to do to "motivate" me.  What it did was create a young girl who had no safety net-the only safe place was to hide in my bedroom and fantasize about the life I wish I could have.

No prom, no dating, nothing.  My Mom died during the summer before my senior year and when I went back to school I realize now I was in the depths of severe depression.  My clothes were dirty, my hair unkept, I looked a mess.  But back then there was no support and I was told by my Dad and every adult in my life that I needed to "get it together, pull myself up by my bootstraps" and just be okay.

When I look back I think that if right now, I knew a young girl like that, I would take her under my wing, nurture her, and give her so much love.  And I try to do that to myself, but the result of a lifetime of being bullied and abused leaves your self esteem in shreds and I find it impossible to love myself.  I constantly think of what my life could have been had either my physical presence been different, or had I been able to escape the bullying that left me in shreds.

After years, decades of struggling, I had finally gotten on the right path and was losing weight when my son Chris was killed.  My emotions are a wreck and I have gained back 40 pounds.  It has caused high blood pressure and once again I walk around trying to hide my body.  No one I work with would know any of this-after a lifetime of dealing with it I play the part well.  I am able to give of myself to others, but I have no idea how to be kind to myself and since I have lost Chris the emotional mess I carry has increased a thousandfold. 

I HATE looking at pictures of myself and will avoid them at all costs.  I HATE what I look like and I HATE the fact that I just cannot get it under control.  I lose 15 pounds only to gain it right back. 

I have read the books by Geneen Roth who writes about emotional eating.  I read books by many people but I just cannot find it in me to get a handle on this and to steadily and sensibly lose weight and keep it off.  When Oprah shared her dieting disaster on her show I felt like she was telling my story. 

I would probably not have married who I married if I had good self esteem.  I might have gone into a different line of work, my life, I believe, would be completely different if I had been able to control my weight and develop a positive image of myself.  There are so many things that even now I would love to do but just simply cannot because I hate how I look.

My son never saw me as overweight.  He was my biggest supporter.  He saw me achieve some big weight losses and never even mentioned it because, I now realize, that is not what was important to him.  He loved me just because I was his mom-what I looked like was totally unimportant to him.

So I have decided to chronicle this new journey of mine.  It is separate from, and yet tied in completely, to my grief and my learning how to live a new life that I never expected.  Hopefully, others who have shared this pain will reach out and together we can find support and understanding from each other, just I did from the beautiful mothers who also lost their child.  We found strength and understanding from each other that we could not find from people who have not walked this path.  I believe the same will be true for those of us who have struggled for so long with our weight.  Thank you for listening to the beginning of my story.  God bless.