whiskeytangofoxtrot's Journal

I go to bed wondering if I make a big deal out of nothing. I wonder if I’m being to hard on myself. Or I’m being too critical or hard on you? It seems it’s all I can do anymore. I document this to step outside of my head and re-evaluate. I am going to do this for the week. Just to check myself.

Our interaction yesterday consisted of…..

The usual “good morning, I love you” text that you start sending BEFORE I wake up and continue to send until I respond. He leaves for work at 4am. But thanks for waking me up. 

A text sometime around 11am. (I work in a secure building with tons of satellite equipment, the signal SUCKS if not completely non-existent at times)  About 1pm I see that you sent me a text asking me “whatchadoin”.  I respond and say, “runnin round all over, but at my desk now, what’s up?”  No response or communication for the rest of the work day.  He gets pissed if I don’t respond to him Immediately, therefore by my late response he was pouting and won’t text me again while at work.

A frantic phone call at work, 530pm about whether I had the checkbook out and why. There was panic and concern in your voice. I tell you I used it to measure my ribbon placement on my uniform in the morning. (Giggling because it was silly but it worked) I did have it out, but why was this so disconcerting. It was on our desk, in our bedroom, with two very large sleeping dogs next to it all day. Was it really something to get into a tizzy about?

When I arrive home, you are at the table reading the paper. I walk by to go in the room to change and you get up and go in the room too, and get on the computer. You look exhausted, tired and just sad. I ask you how your doing, you say fine. I have to believe you. While changing, you speak of how “rough” today was. How you were working on something and had to take a break every 20 minutes because it was so dangerous and hard. You just weren’t ‘feelin it’ today. You just had an all around shitty day. I listen and lightly say, “it’s definitely a Monday” trying to lighten the mood a little.

I start to make dinner. Whilst doing that, you speak of upcoming birthdays this weekend and firmly remind me we only have a few days left. What are we going to get the youngest? You are tense and annoyed and seemed bothered by it all. I say, “well, worst case scenario we just give her some cash and take her to the mall, she’ll love that” Again, I’m just trying to get you to chill and look forward to it, instead of dreading it. No dice your annoyed at the whole event it seems. At least that’s what your attitude says.

After dinner, we actually sit on the couch together for a bit. You start to doze on and off. We never speak while sitting together. I think we sat for a full 30 minutes.

We get up to go smoke and you re-iterate the “rough” day you had, and tell me “im nodding off sitting there”. I say nothing. This overtime is “killing you”  on and on. I ask if your working on Sunday, hinting that you should at least take one day off. You say you don’t plan on working Sunday. I say, “Good, you need to take some time to yourself”.  You don’t respond.

As we head back to the Living Room you stop at the calendar and point out Friday, Saturday and Sunday the weekend of Thanksgiving. You tell me with a determined voice, “you know it’s double-time the whole weekend”.  You tell me you are going to go ahead and work it. I just say, “ok” because we already talked about it. It’s not mandatory, nor do we need the money, but I said it was your choice. You choose to work it.

We sit back on the couch(830pm). 5 minutes pass. You start to rise and say your going to go watch the football game in the room. 5 minutes after that, the has a question for you and goes in there, she returns immediately and tells me you are sleeping with the light on and tv on.  I tell her, “Don’t worry bout it baby, I’ll take care of it”

That was my daily interaction with my husband. He said there was nothing bothering him. And he says he had a ‘rough’ day thus explaining his exhaustion. Every conversation was business or him validating his tiredness or mood. Meanwhile, I was in a pretty good mood. I always try to keep things light, especially around him anymore. I guess I figure maybe I’ll rub off on him or something. But at the end of the day, it hard to lay in bed and bask in the accomplishments and joy the day brought when the one you love the most is so miserable.

We’ll see what tomorrow brings.