whiskeytangofoxtrot's Journal

My life is not horrible. But it is so sad at times.

Why am I so unhappy?

You don't beat me. We pay our bills. Our kids are raised well. We have a nice house and cars and dogs, etc.

Why am I always questioning myself?

Im sick of my happiness being sucked away by your negativity.

Im tired of your negative, sad outlook on life.

Why can't I make you smile deep inside instead of on the outside.

Why DO I love you so much?

I constantly second guess myself in everything I do.

I am a strong, intelligent, powerful, fun and sexy woman!

Why don't I stand up for what I want and need?

Why don't I make you happy?

Why am I not the one you lean on? Who do you lean on?

You are NOT invicible.

All I do is worry about you.

Yet I'm not allowed to take care of you or show concern for ANYTHING about you.

I feel my self esteem decreasing. I can't do anything right around you.

What kind of wife am I, that you feel the need to work and sleep and that is your only job and happiness in life?

Why is it that all I do most of the day is wonder what kind of mood you'll be in tonite? When I know it already.

Hope? 

How much longer can I do this? Trying to decide?

I know what I need to do?

How do I do it?

Why can't I just do it?

Im too weak! Im not afraid of being alone. Im not worried about our childrens future(they'll be fine). I'll get over hurting you. I can start fresh, be happy and not have constant negativity bringing me down everyday.

So why can't I just go? 

I tell you Im unhappy, you tell me to not worry about anything.

I see you sick or hurt. I am not allowed to care for you.

I tell you I wish you had more energy or would do things with us. You tell me you work in a Shipyard.

I ask you if you would get on a sleep schedule to help your tiredness. You tell me it's the job and the hours. It is what it is.

I want to do things like ride bikes, go for walks, dance with you. You say we will after you lose weight(for 12 yrs)

I try to show you we have enough money and you don't HAVE to work overtime. You say we need the money.

The girls ask you to do something. But your tired. And they ask why? You say "because I have a job!" 

I ask you if you wanna do anything. You say, 'whatever you want babe'.

Oh my, dear man. I know the day I finally ball up and leave you, all you will be able to say is how much you've worked for us our entire marriage. How you've given up everything and nearly killed yourself on a daily basis for me. How you've given me everything I could ask for. I dread this day, because like all our discussions, you will end it because it doesn't matter what I want or say if your response is "because I was working or needed to work".

I dread it, but can't wait. 

You will never understand that all that you do is NOT for me.