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whiskeytangofoxtrot 
10:48am Yesterday
Why do I feel so alone? I am surrounded by people that clearly love me.
My children are a blessing. I couldn't be a more proud, lucky, blessed mother.
I am excited yet scared at the same time.
I want to be strong, I know I am strong, yet I live my life like a weakling.
I can't believe that my foot is still all jacked up, broken toes and I can barely walk, this is ridiculous.
I have so many opportunities in my life that I can take, yet I can't.
I am so selfish.
Jaken. Her name is Jaken and I feel like I am her before she came here. Will I be her?
I know it will happen, it's just a matter of when.
I feel like I live a lie.
It's not fair to him.
Or my daughters.
I wear a bueatiful wedding set, newly cleaned and fixed. He takes such pride in it. I didn't want to put it back on.
Why can't I be just do it?!?!?
I am content but not happy with my choices, life, and goals.
I said I would never SETTLE, yet here I am SETTLING everyday.
I am a liar everyday.
I am such a piece of shit!
Comments
You are not a liar and believe it or not you aren't living a lie. You made the best choices for you with the information that you had at the time. I don't regret any choice that I have made in my life. Had I not made them I would not be who I am and believe it or not I do like me. I am still a work in progress and so are you. You live, you learn, you love and you give all of you. This is what it is really all about. We are not the mistakes. We are not the weaklings. We are the ones that are standing right here right now facing our fears and owning up to our responsilities. If we were cowards we would not question where or who we are or how we got here. We would continue to go blinly on in ignorant bliss. To face this makes you the most powerful woman on earth. Always remember that.
4BooBoo
Why are you a piece of shit? Because you are holding on for the sake of your daughters? Because you know this will cause sadness and a temporary uproot in your family structure? OR because you just don't feel it?????
Honey, you cannot control how you feel. I used to listen to the song Jezebel, by 10,000 Maniacs when I was married. It hit me so hard, and I wasn't even sure why at the time.
Here's the difference between you and Jaken. I know her pretty well, by the way.
I AVOIDED real feelings, until something stupid came along and tore me out of my house, blindsiding my husband and devestating him needlessly. You are VERY aware of your feelings, and your heart. You can communicate this to him, and tell him how distraught and saddened you are by it. He may not be the love of your life, but I do suspect that you love him enough to give him honesty. This is NOT YOUR FAULT. We cannot help how we feel honey. Please let yourself off the hook here, ok?????
Jaken
You are not a piece of shit. You are a woman who is afraid to take a chance. The fear is what keeps us stuck in our situations that seem hopeless. But that is so far from being true. Sometimes, it's fear that motivates us to take action. The action we need to take to save ourselves. To take care of ourselves. If that makes you selfish, well then, join the club!! I had to stop thinking about my husband and start thinking about me in order to survive. I left after our last confrontation started to get physical...again. I left and I filed for divorce. And I've never been happier about my decision. I made a commitment while I was still married to do everything in my power to hold my marriage together, but I was working alone. Everyone told me to leave him, but I had to do things when I was ready and on my own terms. I told myself I would do all I can so that when, not if, things fall apart, I could look back and have no regrets about the things I did. Have no questions or "what ifs" about it. That I did all I could do and it didn't work. And I am satisfied. It was not easy to stay in a strained marriage, but I gave it my all until there was no more to give. That's when common sense stepped in and took over. Now, I work full-time, supporting myself, only. I have my own apartment, and have true peace and contentment.
Pooh83