whiskeytangofoxtrot's Journal

Ok, staying with what I promised myself I would do, I want to follow up my last journal with my response to it. I told myself no more holding back on things and making sure he is aware and you guys are great at reminding me to do that so here it is..... yesterday's journal in blue.

Pup dog seems to be back to 100%. He has a follow up appt in a week with the regualar vet, theyre gonna run some bloodwork and stuff to make sure but Im sure it was just a freak thing. Whew!!

I am so tired of living with someone who is constantly unhappy, tired, exhausted, and talks to me like someone has stepped on his puppy. It's depressing me. And you wonder why I don't want to Jump Your Bones......duh!

I will say that we did discuss this with the result of our last email correspondance. His response was everything will change when he's back on first shift and it's because of the type of work he does....I think, "whatever".  He's made it clear that it is simply who he is. And I have made it clear it bothers me. Guess it just stands still.....

Why is it the only time you put cologne on anymore is right before you go to work?

There is absolutely no way I could ask him this without it 'going' somewhere it probably shouldn't. Im just observing and noticing. Though I do make it a point to tell him how wonderful he smells everynight before he leaves. He says nothing in reponse.

I think it is absolutely ridiculous that I am made to feel guilty for going somewhere alone. When I tell the girls I am going to the gym by myself and the 12 yr olds cop an attitude I really don't care, they are children and I can go without them once in a while. I go to the gym 3 or 4 times a week with the girls.  They are 12 YEARS OLD!  But then YOU have to add to it, when I say Im going to the gym and your only comment is, "Why aren't you taking the twins?"  I want to punch you.  Last time I checked I am a grown ass woman and should be able to go to the gym once in a while by MYSELF!! And I shouldn't be made to feel like Im neglecting my children by doing so.

This actually came up again later in the day. He asked me how my workout was. I said great! He then asked why I didn't take the twins again. I said, "because I just needed a hardcore workout and I can't do that with them. And I take them 90% of the time."  He then said, "well how they supposed to learn if you don't take them?".  I replied, "Husband, they are 12, they know how to workout. I cannot workout hard with them because they are not allowed in certain parts of the gym and I have to physically moniter them when they are on the machines, the Navy will not allow them to be unattended in the gym"  He had nothing to say after that.  He still turns it into me neglecting them.....I can't win.   Oh, and I also had a discussion with the girls about the fact that I am not working right now and have been able to do a TON of stuff with them. And that when I go back to work, they will be on there own like most summers during the day. I reminded them how often we go to the gym together and explained to them that I, as an adult, have the right to leave the house once in a while without them and they will respect that. And I don't care about tantrums from 12 years olds. Im pretty sure they got my point.

You have smoked FOUR cartons of cigarettes in the same time I have smoked one. THAT is a fucking problem darling!

He actually said he is smoking more right now. Again, he says its because of 3rd shift. I can't help him with this and he knows he's smoking more because usually we buy cartons. And last time we went, I only got one because I still had plenty more. He KNOWS! 

I find it absolutely hilarious that everytime you post something on your facebook, or post something to a comment someone else said.....NOONE else says ANYTHING after that or noone responds or even better........lol......your friends are deleting your comments......Your NOT funny dumbass, you embarress yourself by trying to look like a hero constantly.   Absolutely HILARIOUS!

This is how he is. He actually called our adoptive-daugter out on it and when she got on the phone with me, she whispers...."is he serious?"  I just laughed. He has always had a twisted sense of humor but he's gotten almost egocentric with it now and it's turning people off. Just like that last time he said something about me and I didn't respond, when he asked why I didn't respond I told him I wasn't sure how. He knew I wasn't happy about his comments. But what can I do? And I honestly don't think he's smart enough about the site yet to pick up on the fact that some of his comments have been deleted.  I still think it's funny. lol

I am so happy I am starting back at work next week.....so frekkin happy!

Not sure when but hopefully by Wednesday.

You NEVER drive my truck. You act as if you are not worthy too. I have accepted that. So why exactly did you ask me if I would need it tonite for anything? (DO I EVER DO ANYTHING AFTER YOU GO TO WORK THE NIGHT SHIFT? EVER? EVER?) Really? WTF? Why would you even ask me that? So why did you take it to work with you tonite?

He then cleaned out my interior before he left and filled up my tank. And of course made sure he told me 3x the next day. Also, bragged about how much his buddy he's been giving a ride to work loved the truck. (it is a nice truck). He took my truck once about a month ago to. When he asked me if I was going anywhere, I looked at him and said, "Husband, where would I go at night when your at work?"  He just responded like a sad puppy, "well Im just makin sure".  I don't even know HOW to tackle that kind of response. It's almost as if he WANTS to accuse or suggest things. I don't get it. And he says he just wanted to take a NICE ride to work....BTW, his truck is just as nice as mine, Mines' just a few years newer. He is most definately NOT driving a POS. Im not sure what his motive is honestly.

I secretly wish you would cheat on me or something sometimes so I wouldn't feel so guily about thinking about leaving you.

Unfortunately just an honest inner thought.

I wonder if I were to stop at my girlfriends house everynight before I go in for work if you would allow me to do that? So why exactly do you go over to ****'s house before work? And when did you start doing that? I honestly don't even know how you have friends as negative in life you are.

If I were to SAY this to him, it would start a fight. Then he would go into the fact that he has to leave early to get through the tunnel in case there is traffic. I have inquired about what he does over there when he brings it up. Hes said they watch a movie or sleep till its time to go in. I make sure he is aware that I know what he is doing. Honestly I really don't care. I think it's great, he's socializing, I just know that it would not be acceptable if I did it.  

Oooh, and I seen you text your buddy about having a Dr's appt on Friday....Really?! You said you were done with the Doc. He gave you a clean bill of health. Your fully recovered. So why do you have an appt then? Your a FUCKING LIAR. How do you expect me to be your wife when you hide shit like that from me. Honesty huh? Everything is in the open huh? BULLSHIT! Your my husband but yet again, Im not allowed to love and care for you.

I am going to call the Dr. in the morning and inquire as to what time the appt is. If it is true, then Im going to lie and say they called with a reminder just to see how he reacts. We have spent too much time on this subject. He has made it clear that I am not allowed to care for, worry, or know anything about his health anymore. I continue to tell him that is not the way a husband and wife really live. It doesn't matter.

Just like most of the things I bring up and talk about, he listens to what I say. Then gives me his say, thoughts, opinions and that is it. It doesn't matter, it is what it is and it will not change. His reasons for things are the answer and nothing else matters. Everything is always legit for him once he explains himself to me.

That is why I know this will not work any longer.

But Im ok with that.