whiskeytangofoxtrot's Journal

I want to know what the world thinks of cuddling. What is it exactly? What do you see it as? What qualifies as cuddling in the real world because I don't know if my life is the real world.

I know of a time when I though I knew what cuddling was. And Im not talking about after sex, because honestlly after sex Im ready to go to sleep just as much as he is and I can't sleep if someone is hangin all over me and in my space. I always thought it was any specific moment when two people were in total synch with each other in that moment. Whether is was just sitting on the couch watching tv leaning on each other or laying on a bed in the middle of the day huggin each other for a minute in between life and kids and chores. I think it should be that time in a day that two people who love each other have that it is just the two of them, in a space of time, even if it's just for a split minute or two. I have been with other men in my life. I know how we cuddled. I thought I knew what it was. I loved it then. Or did they just mislead me?

My life does not have this, nor has it most of my marriage. Today sparked this specific topic as my H decided he wanted to 'cuddle' while we were havin a smoke(we only smoke in our bedroom, otherwise not in the house).  As I was chillin on the bed for a minute after dinner I lit a smoke. He came in and layed down on the bed with me. I am propping myself up, leaning back on the pillows but not laying down. He curls up next to me and lays his head on my stomach. This I enjoy, of course. I run my fingers through his hair and he asks me about starting working again on Monday. I start to tell him everything I accomplished today with getting my orders and contacting my CDR. As I am talking, his head gets very heavy and he starts snoring.  This is so disheartening to me. This is my life. I am a drug that puts him to sleep. I always have been.

So I sit there. I finish my smoke as he snores away and his chest and shoulders and head sit deadweight on my body. I sit there. About 15 minutes later he stirs, tells me how much he loves to cuddle with me and asks me another question about the day. I begin to talk again and literally 30 seconds later he is snoring again. Am I being to sensitive? I dont understand why he can't stay awake with me. I love the fact that he is that comfortable around me but I think it's a little ridiculous. So I sit there, for 35 more minutes I sit there while he sleeps. I don't want to get up because I know if I do it will wake him up and he will get upset and accuse me of not wanting to cuddle with him(this has happened many times before, not just an assumption). So I sit there, light a nother smoke and ponder things. Like if this is cuddling, then I simply don't like it. And I think........about us.....about our marriage.....about our life together...........as I sit there and my Husband sleeps on me.

There has not been a single time in our marriage that I think I have ever truly just sat in my husband's arms as we chatted, or watched tv or just sat there and he hasn't fallen asleep. I am NOT exagerrating. I have never sat with this man in a car for hours and chatted with him. I have never watched a movie at home with him and he hasn't fallen asleep. And if he is laying horizontal, forget it, that's not cuddling, he's sleeping within minutes. What I don't understand is that he initiates these things, and says he wants to hold me, and starts conversation so I'll start to chat with him and within minutes he is sleeping. Even when we would go away for a night at a hotel and be adults for a day or two we would be in the room, alone, chillin, him holding me and he would fall right asleep. We have been at a friends house, I was sitting in his lap in a room full of people laughing and talking and I look behind me and he is asleep. They all find it funny, I find it embarrassing.

I would like to add.....he is NOT Narcoleptic! 

You know, I think I'm a pretty easy woman to please. I don't ask for much, I don't want like the average woman, I'm no where near as emotional as the female species is. I hate cuddling after sex and want to sleep as much as any man. I don't want flowers everyday or constant praise and I Love you's, etc, etc. I just want someone who actually seems interested in me and I don't feel he cares.

So now I wonder...Am I being unrealistic? Do people, couples actually sit on a couch and hold each other and chat? Do other people actually lean on each other and hug on each other without falling asleep? Is it possible or realistic to think that I can sit on my bed next to my husband and chat with him and expect him to stay awake? Am I being realistic with my expectations?

I love it when he holds me for the brief seconds that he does,, but my heart sinks as soon as I hear the heavy breathing which turns into snoring.  It has made me come to despise these moments he calls cuddling.

 All I want is for him to hold me and stay awake. And I don't want it all the time but if he initiates it then I think it's something he wants to do. But does he?  Is it me? Is it him?  Is that really too much to expect? I don't want romance! I just want someone who will stay awake when it's just the two of us.