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whiskeytangofoxtrot 
10:48am Wednesday
I can never tell whether were moving forward, backward, or not at all. I hate it so much and I hate the constant ups and downs. I know marriage is not perfect, I know it's not all good or all bad. I know it's give and take and you have to fight for what you love. I KNOW all of this. I hate all of this uncertainty.
My email to him was very productive. I am so glad I sent it to him. He actually emailed me back, addressed everything I mention and then, even better, we TALKED. We had actual uniterupted, face to face, heart to heart conversation about it all. It felt good to actually speak to each other about this stuff. He continues to insist that he is tired because of the type of work he does and I asked him if that is just what the rest of our life is then. Because his job will not change. He claims that once he is back on 1st shift everything will be ok and he will start making changes for the better. I don't know why he can't do that now. What can he do then that he cannot do now?I don't buy it, I think it's just his excuse for the moment. And I Know it too. I was just glad to actualy talk about it. I needed him to understand WHY yawning in my breasts was mortifying to me. And he did cancel his class so he could work, but it was HIS choice.
So, I guess at least we are both on the same page and he knows that I am not holding things back like I used to.
I have also been using this time to spend quality time with the girls. Im not working right now so I have the ability to do more with the girls. Especially during the day while he's sleeping. I took the twins to an amusement park Sunday and today we are going to the beach. Before, if I did do these things he would be annoyed and I would do them anyway and convince myself I was doing nothing wrong. But my mood would still be altered because I feared he was upset with me. Now I do not. I know there is nothing wrong with doing things with my children without him. He does seem to get a little annoyed at it but not as much as before and I absolutely have no worries about him while we are out. I am doing nothing wrong and will not allow my mood to be altered because of it. And I have been enjoying it. Im even taking the girls to a concert this Friday. And Im looking forward to it. Uninhibited, fun and enjoyment with my daughters...that's all I've ever wanted from him. Instead of being made to feel guilty because he's not with us or he is with us and doesn't want to be....
I stll feel though as if I am just drifting away from him. He sleeps all the time and I am just doing my thing. I might as well be a single mom at this point. And to be honest, it doesn't bother me really. I don,t have the need or want for him to do these things with us. I feel more free and I know I shouldn't.
Last night, I went to Bingo with my mom for the first time in quite awhile, he came to the hall and came in, gave me a single rose and left for work. He started me and surprised me when he did it. Everyone at the table loved it of course. But it kinda bothered me. I want to know why he drove 30 miles the opposite direction of his work to do that. I feel deep down that he wanted to make sure I was actually there. He has NEVER done that and I've gone to Bingo with my mom for our entire marriage, now all of a sudden he shows up at one of the halls. I don't like it. And Im not convinced of his motive. Im not trying to be negative but it just doesn't make sense to me.
Oh well, just a random journal. Just a few things I wanted to get off my mind.
Oh and I found an new email account he created. The only thing in it are the emails I sent to him that he forwarded from his other account, from when I told him I wanted to seperate and our conversations about it. WHY did he create a new email account? And why is he keeping it a secret? His password is the same one he uses for everything else so either he don't care or he really thinks I am that stupid. Im not going to tell him I know about it, Im going to let it be and just moniter it. I wonder if he'll tell me about it? And why did he even create it? He already has two.
Comments
I see all of where you are coming from and to be honest I think I would have the same or have had the same thoughts. We know those that we married better than anyone else. We know when things are amiss. We know because our intuition tells us. I am so glad and SO PROUD of you for emailing him and I am so PROUD of both of you for actually sitting down and talking it through. I agree though that there has to be more from him. Just to talk about it doesn't resolve the problem. Action is required. If he wants it fixed then he knows what to do to fix it there is nothing else you can do. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU FOR TELLING HIM THOUGH. I am glad to see that you are moving forward. I think you are preparing yourself and that is why you are starting to do more stuff with your children. It's okay to do this. I also think that secret email account is him preparing himself. I think he is scared of what all may tranpire and so he is creating a "secret" evidence trail that he can use later. It's not a big whoop though. It isn't anything that can be held against you. I would even recommend you do the same but maybe not the secret email aspect. That to me is just silly and won't help anything. I think he is afraid that you will be able to delete all the emails and then he won't have any "evidence" agin no biggie. Just keep doing what you are doing. You are doing GREAT.
4BooBoo
You know what, I think you are exactly right about the email. I would never think to do something like erase his stuff but that is exactly what he thinks of me, though I've never given him a reason to. Just another reason for all of this I guess. I've never been able to convince him of my love for him and the last few years he has grown to trust me less and less for no reason.
whiskeytangofoxtrot
i eould email him..LOL
gigijenn