whiskeytangofoxtrot's Journal

While it is the focus of my thoughts right now. I have to document the last 55 hours of my life. So I can read it later and know why I am on the verge of a meltdown.

Friday evening, He has slept a total of 10 hours for the day, I get my 1 or 2 hours of time with my alert and awake, rested husband. We sit outside while the kids and dogs play. The weather is nice and we are drinking coffee, chatting slightly. He has to work in an hour. He says to me, "tomorrow we'll get you a 6pack and we'll go for a drive".  (he is trying to appease me, knows I like to have a beer once in a while and he is working overtime all weekend so it's his shot at catering to me).  I say "cool, sounds fun".  I am content with the little time we had together, at least he isn't tired at the moment and we are functioning as a family. He goes to work, I settle the kids in and go to bed. I thnk nothing more of his offer to go for a drive, nor do I really look forward to it. It'll be great if we do....if we don't, Im not that worried about it.

Saturday comes(reminder he's working 11pm to 7am). He comes home and goes to sleep about 9 am. At 230 he is up. I am confused, I feel it's too early for him to be up but say nothing. I figure he is a grown man and can decide how much he needs to sleep. He comes into the living room and sits' down on the couch. He is attempting to caress my arm. I hold his hand from the chair next to the couch for a minute. He yawns continuously. (I wonder to myself, if he getting up for the day? and think that it is much too early)He has the youngest make him a cup of soup. He eats it, then stretches out on the couch. He is holding my hand and begins to fall asleep again. I nicely suggest he go back to bed and get some more sleep. He says, "Im fine, don't worry about me" in a stern voice. I let it go, though it still bothers me. He struggles keeping his eyelids open, I force myself to ignore it as it bothers me highly. After an hour awake he gets up and goes back to the bedroom(at 330) and tells me he's going to smoke. I say, "ok"  Not happy, but figuring he's up for the day, I head towards the bedroom after a minute to smoke also(we only smoke in our bedroom in our house). As I turn the corner I see the door is shut and I can hear him snoring. ****sigh*** I don't care that he has gone back to sleep, but Im really tired of him saying one thing, and then doing another. I wish he would just man up and sleep on a regular pattern. OR, if your tired....F*CKING SLEEP.....so I can at least have a man who isn't tired at some point in this life.

At 630pm, me and the girls are watching tv. I hear the bedroom door abruptly open. He heavily walks through the house into the bathroom. The bathroom door abruptly closes. Sounds almost as if he's slamming it but not quite. I instinctively know he's pissy but brace myself with a smile and kindness as if to ignore the attitude. He returns to the bedroom. The door is open so I walk in. I light a cigarette as he sits at the computer. I say, "hey baby, you good?" As sweet as I can. I say, "mornin sexy".   I am smiling and sweet, trying to joke with him almost. He turns from the computer, glaring at me, and practically yells at me, "I told you to wake me up at 4"  (he never did and last time I checked he was a grown man and can wake himself up if he want's to get up). I look at him confused and tell him he did not ask me that,  but Im sorry.(don't know why I apologize). He turns back to the computer with pissy attitude. This continues throughout the evening until he leaves for work. He barely speaks to me, he is abrupt and crass with all interaction with me.

   ( I know that his attitude is because he slept too long and could no longer take me for a drive, a drive that he felt was necessary to keep me happy. I could care less and was not worried about going for a drive with him.  I see this as, he is a grown ass man, and if he wants to do something then he will make it happen. I am NOT his mother. And he can be mad at himself, but I will not let him make me feel bad for not waking him up, when 1 he didn't ask me to and 2. He only wanted to do it so he could 'make me happy' NOT because he wanted to spend time with me) So Friday goes by, I see nothing of my husband but a sleeping body or a half awake attitude. He then goes to work and sends me lovey, dovey, texts all night until I tell him I am going to bed. I tell him before I actually do, just so he'll leave me the hell alone! Whatever, I have no husband, I have a man in my house is once again, is always stressed out or angry because of ME.

So this morning(Sunday) I wake up at 1030am. It freaks me out immediately! I think, where is he? Why isn't he in bed? He gets off at 7am. I get up and find him sleeping on the chair in the living room. (I am immediately upset as he does this, so he "doesn't wake me up". I find that ridiculous. It is HIS bed and HE worked all night, he NEEDS to come to BED!)  But he's doing it for me.....so I can sleep in. He reminds me 4 times today, that he let me sleep in today...

So at 11am he is awake, half ass, yawning, streching, grimacing due to exhaustion. I do not blame him nor am I bothered by it....What I am bothered by is the fact that he WON"T go to bed and get some sleep. He insists on having a cup of coffee with me and having one of the girls make him cup of soup. We sit outside and he talks about "how tired he is", "how last night was a rough one" "how bright the sun is" "how Im not sure if Im done sleeping yet"......etc, etc....   I am annoyed, I think I have a right to be, I want to SCREAM at him...SO GO TO FUCKING BED AND GET SOME SLEEP...but I can't because he is bragging to the girls how he let mommy sleep in this morning. You know, I don't care that he is tired. I know he just worked his 6th day in a row the night shift. I don't care. But what I have a problem with is that he WILL NOT get himself on a regular sleep schedule so the only man I ever see is an, exhausted, tired, sleepy, unmotivated man. THAT pisses me off!!!  A million people in this world work 3rd shift and work long, happy, productive lives....but they also make sure they sleep properly.

So at 130 he decides he is going back to bed. Again, unanounced, I don't know...the dogs are all on the bed, the door is open, the tv is on....WTF!!!  I get dogs out, close the door and turn off the tv. "(If your going to bed then go the fuck to bed, but don't tell the kids your going to do something then disappear and go to sleep again!!)

430pm rolls around. He comes stumbling out of the room. Apologizes to me for falling asleep. I look at him and sweetly tell him, "baby, your fine get some rest".  He comes outside and sits with us. During the next hour, this is what he says..."wow, what a night" yawn, "Im not sure if Im done sleeping yet" "boy that next paycheck will be nice" yawn, stretch "I don't know why I can seem to wake up today"  yawn, "I feel like I could sleep all day", (tells the baby to get him some coffee) "tonite sure is going to be rough"  "damn, why am I so tired".....at this point I stop listening to him, I can no longer. I am so livid because he simply refuses to take care of himself and wants to turn it onto other people that I have to get up and go in the house to do laundry. (All I want is a man who isn't always tired or stressed or upset or bothered by life)  BTW, just today he has 13 times told me how much his next paycheck will be and asks me if that makes me happy.....I say it does, and change the subject.

He ends up staying up from this point on. The rest of our day consists of me making dinner, him sitting in our room on the computer and at one point he is hugging me, nuzzling my breasts and yawning at the same time. I am so emotionally disconnecting from him at this point that his yawn in my breasts infuriates me.....I say nothing. Just go with the flow til he lets me go, and go back to making dinner. He acts annoyed as if that was his way of attempting foreplay...

He left at 9pm tonite. I am on the verge of tears and violent anger. I don't know what to do. I cannot make this man take care of himself. I keep the house quiet, I take care of all household duties, all he has to do is come home and go to sleep for 8 or so hours and get up and spend a few hours with me and his children before he goes back to work. That's all I want. But he can't do that. He says he's getting more sleep than ever. Well, last time I checked, 11 hours of constantly interupted sleep is not as good as 6 hours uninterrupted sleep. I do what I can, but he turns everything into a "me' issue. He won't come to his own bed becaue he doesn't want to wake me up! He gets up to do things that I can do, but I didn't know he was going to/or needed to do them so I can't do them. He won't let me. He insists he had to, so that's why he's up. He is literally sleeping all day, everyday, on and off,  until he goes to work minus one hour maybe, but it's because he constantly gets up throughout the day.

I can't fix this for him. I know that. I can't make him sleep. I know this. I can't make him take care of himself. I know this. Why the hell does he MAKE ME SO ANGRY!?!?

This is bullshit, this is how he is....I can't deal with this anymore. I really really just want to get away from him with everything in me right now, but I can't.....just not yet....

All I can do right now is vent, and look forward to the day I leave.....