whiskeytangofoxtrot's Journal

Just a day in my life right now.

Had a good night last night. Went out with about 10 people to the club. I was the designated driver(because I trust NOONE to drive my truck) and I had a blast. Didn't have a single drink other than red bull and danced my ASS off. Had a freaking blast.

Up this morning/Afternoon at 1030. At the internet cafe for some coffee and internet time. Hanging out on myspace and DS thinking about life and whatever.

It really bothers me that I need the touch and feel of a man. I am starting to miss him and want to go home right now. WHY do I need the touch of another person to make me feel safe and loved. That really bothers me but I need it right now.

He is coming up here this coming weekend and I am looking forward to it. Our lines of communication are slowly getting better. He is still sleeping too erratically but I guess overall it is getting better. He says he's going to go back to the day shift when I get home which is what I really want.

My daughter is doing great with driving. She has taken a few trips all by herself. Including her first day of work at her first job. I cant believe how grown up she is. What happened to my little bitty baby. I don't feel like I am old enough to have a child that is practically a grown-functioning woman. She is one of the reasons I am trying so hard to make sure I am happy with my life and marriage because she is so smart and sees everything. i want to make sure she makes good decisions in her life and relationships. I don't want her to have to deal with the turmoil I've had to in my life. Though I know it's the only way she'll learn I can at least try to lessen it for her.

I am going back down in size again. Don't know why but I seemed to gain 8 pounds since I've been here but its falling off again. I am back to the gym and PT'ing all the time. It feels so good and the sun actually shows up about once a week up here now so that is helping my moods definately.

Knowing that I AM going back to my old unit and my old job again is comforting in the long run. I still am embarrased to show back up still enlisted but the CAPT and RDML have both told me I have done the right thing and they don't care what I wear on my uniform as I am a good sailor no matter what. I am grateful for that.

I am leaving here at the end of June. I told my husband I am coming home. I am very nervous about it but its the only way I can prove to myself once and for all if this will work. I have said all along that I love him and I know that you cannot hate someone unless you love them so I know I still love him. I just don't know how much more emotional turmoil I can handle so going home is really scareing me but we'll see.

So now I concentrate on my work here during the week. And on my time off I am concentrating on me. It's time to get my affairs in order and prepare to return to the life I was living. Though now, there are no secrets, I cannot fairly be angry at him for anything as I have opened it up and told him most if not all of everything I have felt and want. The key is to keep it like this, because honestly, right now when I talk to him now I feel like me. I told him he has to love me for me and he says he does so we'll see if that is really true when I get home. I am slowly finding myself again and I think he is slowly finding ways to make himself happy too. THAT is all I really want from him anyway....for HIM to be happy.

Im hungry now, think it's time for food.