whiskeytangofoxtrot's Journal

I felt safe and comforted in his arms. This is of utmost importance.

I told myself I would let him change my mind. I told him everything. There are no secrets or animosities or anger issues because he knows everything. But I already had made up my mind so the more he tried the more it angered me.

Boo Boo, was right!! When you sincerely wanted to go to a race with him, he was already so angry with you and complacent about you that all it did was anger him that now you wanted to, and why you didn't care before. But you didn't know before so I see that once someone knows how important something is to you they will then try to be a part of it if they really truly love you.  I seen that you were right thus why I was so angry about the concert tix that he bought me. I am going to go to the concert with him and I will enjoy myself, if he doesn't enjoy it, then that's his own fault.

But you know what, I can't give him the chance to show me that he loves me for who I am, and is willing to change some of his ways,  if I don't put my guard down and let him in!

I went into this weekend and told myself to let go of the anger. ALLOW him to love me and show me how important to him I am. AND through all of it, continue to be myself.

I was laying on the bed in the hotel and he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me and I melted. I felt so safe and secure and content and loved for being me again.

We have alot of things to work out. I am now giving him a real opportunity to change some of his ways. He knows what makes me angry and how concerned I am with his health and mentality and social life. It is in his hands to start taking care of himself and continue to love me as I am.

I have decided I am going to go home.

I will go home, get back to work at my old command(they called AGAIN wanting me back) and be a mother to my girls. He will have the opportunity throughout the summer to show me that he wants me by taking care of himself in a happy and healthy manner. I think this is the only way to really give him a fair chance of making me want to stay.

As of right now, I still can see myself leaving him in the future. But right now my love for him is still stronger than my anger/hate towards him so I have to go with that.

I have put my ring back on and am going to keep it on. I will probably be up here another month then I am going home. This is a fresh start for me. My outlook has changed, I will try to stay positive but I will not go back to being passive and settling for things that do not make me happy. I will stand up for myself and express my concerns when I feel the need. If it causes fights then it causes fights but we have got to be real from here on out.

We'll see how it goes.