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whiskeytangofoxtrot 
7:54am
I will apologize now for the length but this has really been eating at me. For those who don’t know I have just recently told my husband of 14 years that I think we should separate as I have not been happy for years for a myriad of reasons. Though, with doing that I have slowly been trying to open the lines of communication with him and am giving him a chance to change my mind before I leave. So we have been having a recurring conversation about my last deployment, I’ve been home for a year now from this one. As with all military we have the struggles of seperation but this is not new to us. I was overseas for a year. At the last month of my deployment I had 4 days off. That is 4 days of not having to work and can do what I wish within limits of where we were of course. And I will tell you there is not much to do in the desert in 130degree temps. Throughout my deployment I sent him a few pics every month of me, taken by me so that he could see my face. Towards the end of my deployement, after making some great friends many pics were taken of me and friends by others. I started to collect these. I took many pics of my 4 day off trip because I wanted to chronicle it for him and show him and share with him my experiences and for the kids too. I felt/and still feel that I earned 4 days off due to the fact that I had been working the last 350 days, EVERYday, for 12-16 hours each day. This is NOT an exaggeration, it is a deployement and that’s how it works. So my first day I relaxed, slept in and visited the Cantina on base with friends and hung out. Day two I go on an MWR fishing trip. Day 3 I spend it at a local ‘nice’ hotel that had a daily pool pass. Day 4 I hang out on base again at the Cantina and with friends. I did absolutely nothing extravagant and spent the equivalent of 30$ american money. I basically just chilled for 4 days. Now, at this point I have about 3 weeks before I come home. I am excited, rested from the time off and send him an email with pics and telling him all about it. He sends me back a message pointing out all the men in the pics and nothing else. Please note that these are not pics of me and men, they are pics of me and men in the background I respond and point out the obvious fact that there are 2000 people on this camp and only 200 are women, and that I just wanted to share my past few days with him. He responds with, “GO READ A FUCKING BOOK!!!!” I don’t respond. Now side note: he had been at home with our 3 teenaged children for the past year doing everything by himself. I am eternally gratefull for it and have told him everytime we speak. I know that the last thing he wants to see is me having fun. So that’s why I talk about it no longer and send him no more pictures of anything after his email. I’ll be home in 3 weeks anyway. So today as we work on our marriage now, this gets brought up because I am severely bothered by the fact that as I was trying to share something with my husband and he wants no part of it. We have discussed it more than once in the past two weeks. He accused me of not sharing pictures with him, I told him he made it clear he wasn’t interested when he told me to “read a fucking book”. He says he said that because he was angry I was having fun. I ask him if I deserved to have the time off after all the work I had been doing. I tell him that I am aware of his sacrifice but try to tell him that I was over there by myself, with no family, and only friends that were made while I was there and a phone or computer when they were working properly to call home. What else was I supposed to do. They actually FORCE you to take the 4 days off. Was I just supposed to sit in a tent for 4 days? That leads into more, the calls and emails issue. I cannot begin to explain the inconsistency of communications over there. There would be days we would not have any comms but he would still be pissed off at me because I didn’t call or respond to an email almost immediately. He also complained about WHEN I called. We were on a 8 hour time difference. I always called him at 8pm my time(putting me at my office from 6am to 8pm everyday) and talked to him during his lunch break at work. I called the girls at 2 or 3 pm my time and talked to them before they left for school everyday. He is upset that I rarely called in the pm time for them. I did a few times. I have to explain to you that we lived in a tent city/camp in the desert on a camp guarded 24/7 by marines. The phones were in the offices which were literally a mile and a half walk from our sleeping areas. Not to mention we LIVED in uniform on base, which means to go to the office is to put my whole uniform on again. A few times during the night, a couple of people would get together, wake up and walk up to the offices to use the phones. I would join them occasionally. This was about a 2 hour process between the walk itself and the calls. I apologized to him for not doing it more. I explained to him that walking up to the office in the middle of the night by myself was freaky enough with all the critters that walked the base and how to call them at 7 pm would make me up at 2am, up for the two hour or more ‘phone call’ and then I had to get up every morning at 5am. The few times I did it, was literally up all of the night because after 3 miles of walking it’s hard to go back to sleep. This did not matter to him as I should have sacrificed for them.
I am not making excuses for me being lazy because apparantly that is what I was when I was over there. I am angry that he has no sense or care of the lonlieness and isolation I felt over there. I would get so sickened when the phones or internet wasn’t up. I was so scared at times because I was by myself and could not contact him. All I would want and need is to hear his voice and when I did he had resentment in it because my efforts were not enough. I must let you know that I spoke to him or emailed him EVERYDAY unless we didn’t have comms which never seemed to last more than 48 hours at a time. And for him to make me feel guilty about have 4 days off after working 350 straight I think is down right bullshit. All he keeps saying is that I didn’t call enough, or at the right times or that I had ‘friends’ over there. All I keep saying to him is THANK YOU for taking such good care of the girls while I was gone. He has apologized for saying the read a book thing, but follows it with I didn't like seeing all those guys in the background. So is he telling me Im screwed forever because us females in the military are a rare commodity, I will always be around men. Period.
Years ago he worked in another state for 4 months, during that time I encouraged him frequently to go out with the guys during time off and wanted to hear all about it when he was back. I was at home with our 3 toddlers, working full time and going to college full time, I NEVER ONCE was jealous or upset that he went out and had a good time once in a while. So I DO KNOW what it is like! My conclusion….this is the way he is. He is so addicted to me that I will never be allowed to have any life outside of our home if I stay. If I am not texting or calling him at least once an hour, I am ignoring him in his eyes or don’t care about him or am not thinking about him. He knows that in my line of work I cannot answer my phone at the drop of a dime but it doesn’t matter to him, I don’t love him if I don’t answer back a text immediately. I think it is a ridiculous over-obsession. He tells me that I didn’t and don’t care about him and the girls when I am away. The bottom line is that I will be away from him at times. I will be doing things without him and with other people. I should be able to share what I do during deployments with him but he has proven that I cannot with the way he ignores it completely. I spent a year of my life over there, by myself, I cannot just act like I didn’t make friends, have experiences and learn things and never be able to share it with him. I would like some outside opinion. Am I being selfish? Is this all petty? Was I being inconsiderate of him while I was gone? Please be honest, ask me more if you need to. This is driving me crazy. He truly believes that I did nothing but have fun over there yet I was never so lonely and missed him so much. And the more I tell him this the more he brings up negativity. I HATE this. I don’t want to know who is right, there is no right, but I cannot be with someone whom I can never share what I do with. Right?
Comments
You did nothing wrong! A deployment is a very stressful part of the military. If you feel that a seperation is needed then do not feel guilty.
mommyinsa2
First I would like to thank you for your service to our country! I'm sorry to hear about the issues with your hubby. Please remember that you didn't do anything wrong! Deployments are a very hard thing to handle (I'm just finding that out--its my hubby's first deployment since we've gotten married). If you feel a seperation is what you need, then do it. If you feel you want this marriage to continue, maybe suggest getting some sort of counseling together. It could help open more lines of communication and create a deeper understanding for each other. ***HUGS***
MrsDivin
I'm a wife the gets left at home and it doesn't matter if it's just the work day, a TDY, or a deployment... it sucks to be left behind... you worry about someone's safety, where they are at, what they are doing (are they in danger), etc. But this isn't acceptable in my opinion. I would never treat my husband like that if he were gone on deployment or even TDY or ever really for that matter. You have the right to stand up for yourself here and I would say from what I read that your feelings are justified. You are clearly making an effort to stay in contact with your family and your husband should be appreciative of that. You clearly get to speak to your family more than a lot of others I know (we're a military family ourselves) and I know they are all grateful when they get to talk to their spouses . I'm guessing your husbands actions are a result of something else- this is just his way of expressing some other feelings he is having. It might actually have something to do with this situation or something completely different. Ask him about it and ask him why he's being this way. Don't have an expectation of his answer and only listen (don't respond or be thinking of your response while he is talking) to what he is saying. Maybe you're missing something or he has something to say that he hasn't been able to say yet. I would wait till you get home to handle it though. Your safety is most important and you need to focus your last few weeks/day deployed so you can get things wrapped up. Let your family know you love them and communicate with them when you can. Try to look at things from his point of view when you get home. Even though you may not agree and you may still feel you are right at least you'll know that you gave him 100% of your attention and that you looked at it from his prospective too. Maybe seeing marriage counselor when you get home would be helpful in getting the lines of communication back open and helpful in resolving this problem. Or maybe it will be the support you need to know that separating is right for you. If you are making the effort and he isn't then there isn't much you can do. I hope this was at all helpful. From what I know here you're right in this situation but give him a chance when you get home. Maybe it's the miles apart. A year is a long time and maybe it's really just that he misses you and things will fall into place. If they don't tho, trying to communicate and see things from his point of view may be helpful. No matter what, you had a job to do and you were going it and you deserved your time off. Welcome home (soon) and thank you! I hope things go well for you two and your family.
mpratt
Marriage is stressful enough without being in the military. You are sacrificing your life ( and marriage and family) to serve. Hopefully, the benefits will be worth it. Your husband is jealous and lonely. It will be difficult to come home and counseling will help with returning to civilian life. You don't mention if you will have to be deployed again. If you are done with your military commitment, couples counseling will help both of you decide if you want to save your marriage.I will be thinking of you.
hope4more
Marriage counseling all the way! In my opinion. It sounds like you are both under an exponentially large amount of stress with heavy responsibilities on both of your shoulders. It is understandable that the marriage would be starting to rip at the seams.
The question is, do you want to go through the trouble of trying to save the marriage or not? That is your decision, personally I could see benefits for your teenagers of putting your all into that.
hoops
TRUST - you have it or you don't - you build it or you tear it down.
i hate to go all parenty on this but I preached this to my kids until they got it.
Your 'trust bricks' are the foundation of your relationships - with me - with your mother - with anybody. Everytime you are dishonest you lose a 'trust brick". Everytime you hold word you gain a 'trust brick'.
Here is the kicker. The probability of a lie being exposed increases exponentially over time until it becomes a certainty. Everything eventually sees the light of day. I will see all eventually. What do you want it to be?
deramo
KingDeramo
I admire you for your continuing prudence in this entire emtional strife. I can find no wrong-doing in your behaviour, and have absolutely no clue what more you could have said to be yet more understanding. On the contrary, I find his behaviour infantile and narcissistic, not to mention bulging at the seams with unrealistic expectations. You have committed no errorn I can find. He shall continue to sabotage your relationship until he leaves you no other choice but to end it. Nevertheless, you are a commendable wife, and faithful citizen to your country. I am certain your children will admire you for your character, and one day I am certain you will find someone else who is more mature and will admire you for your character too.
Weissdorn
Sorry for my bluntness, but what a selfish asshole. I cannot believe that he would treat you like that while you were deployed. He should do nothing but support you and treat you with respect. There is no way that you are being selfish. he is the one who is selfish. he should want you to have fun, especially while your deployed. You deserve better. MUCH better!
The whole time I was reading this I was getting so mad. I can't believe someone would treat someone they love like that. My advice would be to leave him. I wouldn't even give him a chance to change my mind. he doesn't deserve it!
brooke84
Marriage is hard!! After 44 years with a PTSD veteran of the Korean War, of which 10 years he was a heavy drinker, 15 years an alcoholic, and the last 3 totally dependent with Alzheimers, I know marriage is hard. Our son was with the 82nd from Aug. 1990 to April 91, in Saudi Arabia and Kuwait. Communications were a nightmare, anxiety at home was miserable. It was about that time my husband decided to stop drinking and start going to AA. Your husband obviously has some maturing to do. It does sound like he has serious dependency issues which he needs help with. Some have suggested dump the MF already. Others have suggested counsling. I am with the latter group. After counseling and AA, our relationship improved a lot. Although I never recovered the love I had, the sense of friendship returned. Even if you decide to separate eventually, it will be important to your children if you can at least be friendly. His expectations are unrealistic.
My son went back into the military and is doing his 20. He and his wife have had some counseling which has helped. He spent 8 months in Afghanistan in 06, and may go back next year. It is hard on the wife and his young children. Currently 5 and 13. I am wondering what your husband does when the teenagers are busy and he is home alone in the evening. Does he have some kind of social life that does not include going to bars? If not, he needs to develop one. His kids are needing him less and you are not there. He needs to get a life. There are many volunteer or church activities available in most places. Good luck. Let him vent. Don't take things too personally. After all, you are the soldier, not him.
PTSDwidow
July 26, 2009. We discussed this several more times. I wanted to learn from him and why he felt like he did. Like I said, He apologized for his statement. He did then try to say I NEVER sent him any pics until that 4day weekend. I proved him wrong. I then let it go with trying to gte him to explain to me what his real problem was because I just wanted him to answer one question. Did I deserve to have the four days off? That's all I wanted to know. He still refuses to answer it and goes straight into his feelings were hurt because I didnt' call him every evening(2am mytime). he truly feels I should have done this every night. I can't compete with that!!
whiskeytangofoxtrot
Wow, I just read this... Had to look twice to see it was wtf.... You did nothing wrong....He is pretty controlling....Some justifed jelousy.. But its on him...
gigijenn