Join Now
whiskeytangofoxtrot 
11:16am Friday
So here I am. After so many years of wanting to get this out of my system and live my life and be myself I now sit here trying to figure out what Im doing. The best thing I ever did was tell him everything, including wanting to end our marriage. A ton was lifted off of my shoulders. I feel freer than I ever have, yet I still feel bogged down. I told him that I still love him because I do. We are seeing each other every two weeks as it is turning out. I am going home for a bit in two weeks so I can catch a softball game and a track meet and see the girls. I am NOT looking forward to spending much of that time with him at all. I don’t know why I am allowing him to try and change my mind but I suppose it’s only fair to him and the girls. But as I suspected he is quickly resuming old habits and making some of them even worse.
As I told him specifically, him working 3rd shift is a nightmare. He is not sleeping like he should when he gets home so he is basically in and out of a exhausted haze everyday and evening until he goes back to work. That is pissing me off because its not fair to the girls, I know I’ve grown tired of watching him sleep but Im sure they are too. I absolutely will not call him unless he texts me and I know he is awake. I will NOT wake him up in the chance that he is sleeping. He asked me why I don’t call and I told him that. He didn’t like it but I told him it is what it is. He needs to force himself into a sleep schedule. Everytime I speak to him he sounds depressed and exhausted, yawning continously. THAT is not the way to get me to change my mind, it is exactly part of one of our biggest problems and just like always he won’t do what he needs to do to ensure he gets the right amount of restful, uninterrupted sleep. I can’t do this for him and I don’t know what else to say to him to get him to understand this. He tells me he is sleeping more than he ever has. But he is sleeping 4 hours here, 3 hours here, an hour here. So basically he is in and out of a sleep like state ALL DAY long basically! How does that make it ok because he is getting more sleep than ever. So basically the children are spending all their time watching him sleep. WTF!!
AND, AND, AND so he forwards me a payment confirmation email on the tickets to the DEF LEPPARD concert that he purchased. This absolutely infuriates me. It has never been about the concert. And why is it ok NOW to go to a concert. He still hasn’t told me why hes always acted the way he has anytime Ive ever wanted to do something social or fun. Nor do I think he ever will. I don’t know why I am kidding myself. But again, he still isn’t listening. I don’t want the concert tickets, especially after all the fuss he made about it. Is it really worth it? It’s not about getting me the ‘things’ I want. It’s about him taking care of himself and doing things he wants to. So now he is talking about a motorcycle again. He says to me that he wants me to buy him a motorcycle. I have told him for years to get one. And I’ll get him one, but I am hesitant in the fact that he needs to improve still in so many many ways before I am going to make an investment like that because I don’t think its wise to bring something else like that in our marriage when Im not sure I want the marriage. But he’s even gone so far as to sign up for the class and get his riding liscence. Good for him, it’s a material step, but he still needs to work on himself first. He is going even more over the top with telling me I’m bueatiful and sexy. Im almost getting tired of hearing the words. I don’t need showered with these words. I need him to look at me with life and feel alive around me and want to be around me and desire me, not tell me words. Now he acts almost as if he is afraid of me, which I told him he cannot do. I know he is nervous inside and wants to save this but he isn’t going to do it by doing all the things he’s always done threefold worse now, which is almost what he is doing. I truly think the geographical distance between us is what I need right now. I feel so at peace 90% of the time. Except when I call and he’s exhausted or he’s blowing up my phone with texts. I think that my visit home for 6 days will be a true test for us both. I have GOT to stay strong and not give in. His over showering me of ‘things’ and words needs to get under control but I don’t know how to say it sometimes. But he needs to stop. I can already see the conflict with his sleeping as when he gets home from work he WILL lay down and SLEEP until the children get home from school and if he refuses I will leave the house. I will NOT give on this, he will not use me being home as an excuse to continue this path. So I sit here alone. I think about my life, what I want, what I need. I miss my girls but not really him. I miss the dogs. I miss the sun(New England Sucks!) I don’t have 24 hour access to the web, it’s ok. I have to hunt to find a television if I wanted to watch something, not that I watch tv anyway. I have my IPOD and a small little room with just the basic necessities and my phone. Most people would be going crazy, I am fine and am pondering my life constantly. I call my girlfriends every once in a while for moral support and a few of my guy friends call me once in a while to check on me. I call the girls and email them and text the oldest all the time. I have my truck now so Im not stuck here on base but I have all the ‘things’ I need. One minute I envision myself going home from here and maybe making this work. The next minute I see myself going home, getting my affairs in order and leaving him for good. Then the next minute I do not want to go home at all. Why can’t I figure out what I want to do? I have the power to do what I want to do, so why now all of a sudden I don’t freakin know? I know deep down inside that I am done with him. So why cant I just tell him? He talks about future things, like motorcycles and trips and his next visit. I just change the subject. Why is it we know what we want but we just can’t make the decision? I know the girls will be fine. I know that he will be fine financially, I know I will be ok financially eventually, I have plenty of people willing to help me out till I get on my feet. It’s almost as if it is a matter of convienence it seems. As if it’s just not the right time, but will it ever be? No, it won’t. I feel free and happy when he is not around. I am tense and on edge when we are together. I cannot shake it. I have even found myself in a situation with a man that could have gone very wrong, only physically but I won’t do it. I have to remind myself that I am married still. And I most definitely do NOT WANT another man, but I do think about the physical opportunites quite often. Im only human. But I can’t and won’t do it.I don’t want to go home. I know that is what I want. The question is, how can I finalize this and just tell him flat out? Because the more he ‘tries’ now to be something that he just really isn’t the more its turning me away still. Why am I even dragging this out like this? This indecisiveness in my head right now is driving me absolutely INSANE!
Comments
WOW. I guess you really do knowwhat I meant about my hug. Its all so frustrating. I think though that you are at a stage that my H was at. When he had told me finally of all the things that he had a problem with I tried my best to change everything he said he didn't like. Yes it was a complete 180 instinatiously. This I found frustrated him even more and made him even more resentful. I remember when he had told me that he didn't like that I never went to a NASCAR race with him. So I suggested that September that I go with him and his step dad to Dover. When I told him this it just seemed like he got angier with me. He asked the same thing you did. Why are you doing all these things now. Why did it take for this to happen before I changed. I will tell you why. Because I was stupid and I didn't listen when he told me and he never really told me just straight up and told me how important it was to him. It was both our faults. It took a good while for him to finally stop resenting me I think. At least a good 4 or 5 months to let go of the majority of it. But it took a major change from both of us. He had to talk to me and to open up and tell me straight up when something was important to him and I had to be willing to really listen and pay attention and to approach what ever it was with an open mind and a willingness to change and compromise. I also had to proove to him that the changes I made were for real and permanant. I still do them to this day even though we stopped living together in August 08. Prior to my changes I already had it in my mind that these were forever life changes and not just for the moment. I continue to make changes to this day. My focus is to make a better happier me and its only for ME.
It also sounds like you might benefit from the book that I just finished reading also. Its called the Five Love Languages. Brokenchild recommended it to me and I think it is great and helped explain so much. Maybe its just that you two don't understand each other love language.
I do think this time away has helped you alittle bit. You don't sound nearly as frustrated as some of your earlier journals.
One reason why you haven't made a final decision is because you said it yourself. You love him. I think somewhere in you you are hoping a miracle happens and that somehow he will listen and change and that will make everything better. I have to tell you though with all the frustration you have built up right now even if he did make all those changes I dont think it would matter much to you. At least it wont until you can work through your anger toward him. All you can do for that is to take time and let it subside but this is only if he continue to proove that his changes are true and permanant.
Although you and I are in different phases of this roller coaster we still seem to be faced with the same questions. Ironic isn't it because it is also as if to some degree I am more like your husband and you more like husband. Very ironic I think. What other place than DS could you find this.
much hugs hearts and hope dear friend
4BooBoo
4BooBoo
no matter how much it makes sense...it is a hard decision to make to leave someone...while i do not have much experience or advice to offer i can only tell you that i hope you make the decision that's rigth for you. if he isn't listening to the words you say, then maybe you need to show him with your actions. maybe when you leave him and tell him it's for good he will finally hear what you have to say. maybe it will be too late, but at least he could understand.
i'm sorry for everything you are going through, but just reading your journals tells me that you have the strength to get through it and rise above everything. you're independent, you're strong, and you're smart.
when you go home...spend time with the girls..enjoy them!!
ammc
WTF - friend - you've read my journals, you know where I am in all this. like you said, I feel you!
KingDeramo