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whiskeytangofoxtrot 
10:48am Yesterday
So over the past week, with long detailed emails back and forth we have been talking. I have told him EVERYTHING. Everything I feel, Everything I want, Everything I need. I had been avoided actually speaking to him on the phone because I knew I would lose it. So he texts me and tells me he is going to call but don't answer. I say ok. He calls twice and leaves two messages. The first one he is a broken down crying mess, because I told him I want a seperation. The second one 20 minutes later, he has re-gained his composure and still hurting says "what do we do, I need to talk to you, we have to make decisions about kids, dogs, etc"
And like I knew I would, I lost it. Crying like a baby in the truck. Thing is, hearing him like that was the first time in our entire marriage I have ever seen or heard him cry. I didn't like it however, I seen the glimpse of the man. The man who has feelings and desires and wants. He was being his true self and I have never seen it. Its amazing what true emotions can do to a person when you allow yourself to feel. That's the man I miss.
I called him. I think it is only fair that its time to speak to him. And I immediately turn into a psychotic crying babbling b*tch. I KNEW it.
He immediately goes into, I love you baby mode. He's saying he's not angry with me, and he didn't know and I have to make the decision because he won't. He asked if he could come see me. After a little resistance, I told him he could. I guess I think it is fair that I at least talk to him in person so we can TALK! But I warned him that this isn't going to turn into a game of 'dont make her mad' because I just know that is what he'll try to do. I told him I do not regret anything I have said, I do not take back anything I said and Im not happy where we are right now but I feel better than I ever have in years because I've told him EVERYTHING.
I am scared. I am scared to death that I will see him and he will be everything I want him to be, but I know that every thing will just go back to the old ways. Im scared he's going to face him because I know I have hurt him so bad. Deep down inside, just a little bit I do want to see him because I know I still love him, I always will no matter what happens. But Im so afraid I will give in to all of this and try to act like nothing has happened and fall back into my old ways of just letting things go.
I will be strong. I am promising myself to stay strong, be honest and no more bullshit about our marriage. I want it ALL on the line. He knows now! I told him I want a seperation, I don't know if anything will come of this weekend other than I can at least say I gave him a fair honest chance to talk to me and show me what he really wants. And I will feel less guilty if I do not go home because I gave him the chance. I told him that him coming up here does not change anything and I still think I want a separation but I told him to come because I should at least give him a chance.
I guess..............
UPDATED GOALS
End my Marriage
Progress 40%
Encouragements: 2
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Comments
WOW!!! So much is happening and yet there is still so much more to come. I agree with you in your resolve to separate. I also agree with your hesitation to truely believe that he has truly made any changes by any of his actions that he may show this weekend, BUT I do believe people can change. I know I did. I know I was completely oblivious as to how my H felt and what all had happened until it was MUCH MUCH too late. As soon as he told me of everything that he was unhappy about though, I did immediately change it. I started to do absolutely everything he said that he didn't think I did. I did make a complete change but I also knew that he wouldn't believe in these changes and that only time would tell that these were peermanant things that I had began to do. I do think he believes me now. This is one of the reason why I went ahead and still moved out. I didn't find out about the OW until two months after we had been living apart.
The question I think you will have to ask yourself is, although things are to raw and you are to angry right now because things have built up for so long, Would you be willing to although separate try to work things out. This will never begin though until you are able to no longer resent him and he has to continue to proove that any changes he makes are permanant. You will also though have to make a major change. You will have to be willing to always come forward with anything that is bothering you. You can't bottle, or as you say let things go, you must be willing to rock the boat. You have to begin to trust in yourself and your relationship that simply because you don't like something doesn't mean you suffer in silence. You have to have faith in your relationship that it can withstand your honesty and that just because you don't like something doesn't mean that it will destroy your realationship.
I wish you much much hope and hugs and support. Please know that I am here and I am still listening.
4BooBoo
I'm am so glad that you are finally able to have your say, and that you were able to do it before the marriage ended. Now he gets another chance to prove himself to you. Hopefully things will work out and he is able to find the man that you fell in love within himself again. If not you will know that you did everything you could to save your marriage. I wish you the best in everything, I hope things work out the way you want them to. Take care.
Ph0enix
p.s. - communicating your minimum requirements is hard work enough without the stress of seeing his face get twisted up when he hears something he doesn't like. do as much of that hard work by email or text. You can be calmer and present your side with clarity and in a calmer fashion.
D
KingDeramo