whiskeytangofoxtrot's Journal

 Well time to confess....Or at least share. So I reported to class two weeks ago. Was doing fine, struggling but keeping up. After just 5 days of 'fun' boot camp, I have injured my foot. Something with the tendons. Either way, final deal between healing, physical therapy, training and conditioning to get back up to speed then re-joining the class it will take upwards of a year to get through it. I have decided that I gave it my best shot, and am going to walk away from it and go back to the Enlisted side of the military. I am absolutely content being Enlisted, I take pride in being in the military and just because this isn't working out like I had planned, I will still carry on like I was.

I cried for two days about making the decision, but I believe it was the right thing to do. I can be a leader still. And I will continue to make a difference in the fleet like I always have. I fear telling my senior officers that I am walking away from this as they have done Sooooo much to help me get here but I don't know what else to do.

So, here I am now, still up here at the new command but I will not be going home until I am healed at a minumun of 6-8 weeks. It's actually not to bad other than the dorm style living but it's ok. And it's freakin COLD up here, geez.

All of my plans, ideas, thoughts, dreams have been turned upside down because walking out of here without my commission was never an option to me so I didn't think about what would happen if I didn't make it. But, it will be ok. I am making sure of that. I am a damn good sailor and will continue to be.

I did not tell him until two days ago. I knew he would lose him mind when he found out. I have been so upset with myself about all of this that I simply did not want to talk to him about it yet. But it was weighing on me heavy. Well I emailed him everything and told him I was upset and afraid to talk to him because of it all. I told him I would call him this weekend after I gain my composure and the reality of what is going on sinks in and that I love him. Then he sent me an email about thier week prior.......

And so it began! His entire email continuously mentioned how tired and miserable he was. How great the kids are, how much he's been working and how tired he is.

Now I KNOW that I probably am in an emotional wreck state of mind right now. But I snapped. I emailed him back. ALOT. I said alot of things that I have been wanting to say for some time now. MIND YOU, I was not nasty, I did not exaggerate, I did not attack him, I did not lie or make anything up. And most of it I have said to him more than once recently but not in this manner where he would have to read it and hear it. I was probably a little aggressive with some of it but Im tired of it all, all of it and with all this bullshit on top of me being up here hurt, and my future career up in arms I lost it. I told him some of the things that have been bothering me lately as he brought them up in him email to me.

He FLIPS out. Kinda, I think. Im not sure what's going on now. He's freaking out, texting me like crazy, "call me, call me!". I don't and wont. I tell him to let me get my head together before I talk to him because I know when I do all I'll do is cry and freak out. It will serve no purpose and Im tired of crying right now. It is what it is, Im tired of talking about what happened. Im out of the class.

He texts me, "*****, Do I still have a marriage and life that I love?"

WTF!? WTF?! WTF?  Now let me tell you, I gave no indication of full blown marriage issues at all in the email. It was a simple stating of things bugging me. I made no indication of not coming home, and gave NO ultimatems of things to change, I put alot of blame on myself, I told him I loved him over and over, etc etc. Tell me how an email between a husband and wife with a little bit of aggravation being exchanged turns into QUESTIONING OUR MARRAIGE! Are you serious? Is this him telling me that he knows that I am right about all of these things and he accpets them for what they are and thinks I'll only be happy without him?

I did not respond. I couldn't answer him. Because now I want to tell him alot. I want to explain alot of things to him. I want him to know, since he brought it up, that I have been questioning our marraige. I hate that I am up here, stuck but I think maybe now is the right time to lay it all out.

OMG! What do you think?