whiskeytangofoxtrot's Journal

I am confused.

I am Numb.

I don't know what to think or feel.

I'm tired of not being myself anymore.

I have decided that I am going to start drafting 'THE' Letter than I will be giving you when I leave you. I dont know why, but I am scared to death of really hurting you. I know that you love me but life needs more than a 3 word sentence. I want to make sure that you understand all the reasons why I am willing and wanting to walk away from our last 13 years of life. I would want to know. I am sorry that I am going to have to do this but I can no longer just let life pass me by because of you. It's really sad for me to see, because you really are a wonderful person, just not the right one for me. I can no longer look at you and want the man I married. He is gone. And I will not leave you with any questions. I am not going to do this to hurt you, I am going to do this to save myself.

I was standing in the shower this morning just looking at the wall. Thinking about how I'm going to miss the dogs getting me dirty as I dress for work and how the kids fighting in the morning. How I'm going to miss the company in the evenings of having a family. How quiet a place all by myself will be and you know I hate silence. It's going to suck being alone. But you know what, that's what I want.  I know the grass is not greener on the other side. There is no other side to this. You are turning me into something I don't like. I am not happy. I am losing motivation and spirit. NO!! No more baby, I'm sorry, no more. I have been trying and trying to fight this. I can no longer go day to day and just look at you and miss you. I have found that you can actually miss a person who is standing right in front of you. And it sucks. You are happy with your life. You are content it appears with where your at. It doesn't concern you at all that you have been refered to as my father 3X in the last 2 months. That concerns me. Were not best friends and I no longer even like saying "I love you" because I feel like I'm lying to you when I say it.....

I have opened another bank account and will be putting money you don't know about in it.

I want you to keep the kids..you are a better father than I am as a mother...and you'll just be a more stable home for them. And within the next 5 years they'll all be old enough to be on their own. Weve raised them strong so I'm sure they'll be ok.

I don't want anything from you. I don't want anything from you now or later. I will make it on my own with very little. I want your life to change very little other than the fact I will not be there.

I've started the letter.......I have made my decision.

The fear of seeing the hurt in your eyes when I tell you scares me to death!

The thought and desire of being able to be myself fully again is what drives me.