Journal

I go to bed wondering if I make a big deal out of nothing. I wonder if I’m being to hard on myself. Or I’m being too critical or hard on you? It seems it’s all I can do anymore. I document this to step outside of my head and re-evaluate. I am going to do this for the week. Just to check myself.

Our interaction yesterday consisted of…..

The usual “good morning, I love you” text that you start sending BEFORE I wake up and continue to send until I respond. He leaves for work at 4am. But thanks for waking me up. 

A text sometime around 11am. (I work in a secure building with tons of satellite equipment, the signal SUCKS if not completely non-existent at times)  About 1pm I see that you sent me a text asking me “whatchadoin”.  I respond and say, “runnin round all over, but at my desk now, what’s up?”  No response or communication for the rest of the work day.  He gets pissed if I don’t respond to him Immediately, therefore by my late response he was pouting and won’t text me again while at work.

A frantic phone call at work, 530pm about whether I had the checkbook out and why. There was panic and concern in your voice. I tell you I used it to measure my ribbon placement on my uniform in the morning. (Giggling because it was silly but it worked) I did have it out, but why was this so disconcerting. It was on our desk, in our bedroom, with two very large sleeping dogs next to it all day. Was it really something to get into a tizzy about?

When I arrive home, you are at the table reading the paper. I walk by to go in the room to change and you get up and go in the room too, and get on the computer. You look exhausted, tired and just sad. I ask you how your doing, you say fine. I have to believe you. While changing, you speak of how “rough” today was. How you were working on something and had to take a break every 20 minutes because it was so dangerous and hard. You just weren’t ‘feelin it’ today. You just had an all around shitty day. I listen and lightly say, “it’s definitely a Monday” trying to lighten the mood a little.

I start to make dinner. Whilst doing that, you speak of upcoming birthdays this weekend and firmly remind me we only have a few days left. What are we going to get the youngest? You are tense and annoyed and seemed bothered by it all. I say, “well, worst case scenario we just give her some cash and take her to the mall, she’ll love that” Again, I’m just trying to get you to chill and look forward to it, instead of dreading it. No dice your annoyed at the whole event it seems. At least that’s what your attitude says.

After dinner, we actually sit on the couch together for a bit. You start to doze on and off. We never speak while sitting together. I think we sat for a full 30 minutes.

We get up to go smoke and you re-iterate the “rough” day you had, and tell me “im nodding off sitting there”. I say nothing. This overtime is “killing you”  on and on. I ask if your working on Sunday, hinting that you should at least take one day off. You say you don’t plan on working Sunday. I say, “Good, you need to take some time to yourself”.  You don’t respond.

As we head back to the Living Room you stop at the calendar and point out Friday, Saturday and Sunday the weekend of Thanksgiving. You tell me with a determined voice, “you know it’s double-time the whole weekend”.  You tell me you are going to go ahead and work it. I just say, “ok” because we already talked about it. It’s not mandatory, nor do we need the money, but I said it was your choice. You choose to work it.

We sit back on the couch(830pm). 5 minutes pass. You start to rise and say your going to go watch the football game in the room. 5 minutes after that, the has a question for you and goes in there, she returns immediately and tells me you are sleeping with the light on and tv on.  I tell her, “Don’t worry bout it baby, I’ll take care of it”

That was my daily interaction with my husband. He said there was nothing bothering him. And he says he had a ‘rough’ day thus explaining his exhaustion. Every conversation was business or him validating his tiredness or mood. Meanwhile, I was in a pretty good mood. I always try to keep things light, especially around him anymore. I guess I figure maybe I’ll rub off on him or something. But at the end of the day, it hard to lay in bed and bask in the accomplishments and joy the day brought when the one you love the most is so miserable.

We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

My life is not horrible. But it is so sad at times.

Why am I so unhappy?

You don't beat me. We pay our bills. Our kids are raised well. We have a nice house and cars and dogs, etc.

Why am I always questioning myself?

Im sick of my happiness being sucked away by your negativity.

Im tired of your negative, sad outlook on life.

Why can't I make you smile deep inside instead of on the outside.

Why DO I love you so much?

I constantly second guess myself in everything I do.

I am a strong, intelligent, powerful, fun and sexy woman!

Why don't I stand up for what I want and need?

Why don't I make you happy?

Why am I not the one you lean on? Who do you lean on?

You are NOT invicible.

All I do is worry about you.

Yet I'm not allowed to take care of you or show concern for ANYTHING about you.

I feel my self esteem decreasing. I can't do anything right around you.

What kind of wife am I, that you feel the need to work and sleep and that is your only job and happiness in life?

Why is it that all I do most of the day is wonder what kind of mood you'll be in tonite? When I know it already.

Hope? 

How much longer can I do this? Trying to decide?

I know what I need to do?

How do I do it?

Why can't I just do it?

Im too weak! Im not afraid of being alone. Im not worried about our childrens future(they'll be fine). I'll get over hurting you. I can start fresh, be happy and not have constant negativity bringing me down everyday.

So why can't I just go? 

I tell you Im unhappy, you tell me to not worry about anything.

I see you sick or hurt. I am not allowed to care for you.

I tell you I wish you had more energy or would do things with us. You tell me you work in a Shipyard.

I ask you if you would get on a sleep schedule to help your tiredness. You tell me it's the job and the hours. It is what it is.

I want to do things like ride bikes, go for walks, dance with you. You say we will after you lose weight(for 12 yrs)

I try to show you we have enough money and you don't HAVE to work overtime. You say we need the money.

The girls ask you to do something. But your tired. And they ask why? You say "because I have a job!" 

I ask you if you wanna do anything. You say, 'whatever you want babe'.

Oh my, dear man. I know the day I finally ball up and leave you, all you will be able to say is how much you've worked for us our entire marriage. How you've given up everything and nearly killed yourself on a daily basis for me. How you've given me everything I could ask for. I dread this day, because like all our discussions, you will end it because it doesn't matter what I want or say if your response is "because I was working or needed to work".

I dread it, but can't wait. 

You will never understand that all that you do is NOT for me.

I hate the constant emotional fluctuations that is my life.

Vegas was a nice break from reality for me at least. Our life has changed so drastically as everything we did was for me. I wish he would just get more joy out of life. We all worry and stress about things but you also have to know that it's ok to let go once in a while. And after 14 years of marriage and our very first real vacation together I would have thought he would have had more fun. I would love to go back with someone who enjoys life a little more in the future.

Ran into an old CDR from and old unit. I am blessed to work with the people that I do. I am in a great enviroment with truley great people. No matter the things I've gone through with my career this past year people, especially high ranking officers continue to make me feel worthy of my efforts and work. I am blessed.

The oldest is maturing so quickly lately. I love that fact that we sit and have little girl talks. She's been kissed!! And SHE told me like it was nothing. I am happy for her, proud of her and love her so much. I see her pulling away from her father emotionally though due to his constant negative attitude. I want to keep her close. I hope I am doing the right thing, she idolizes and loves him so much but hates his negative outlook on life. All I can do is keep guiding her I guess.

So help me god if one of those dogs shit in my house one more time, DH will find out how much of a bitch I really can be. His laziness has gotten the dogs back to laziness. I love those dogs and couldn't imagine life without them, but I will NOT tolerate it! And when he mentioned getting another one the other day, I told him, " I hope your new wife enjoys it" as a joke. Little does he know........

I've decided for right now I am going to concentrate on just making rank enlisted instead of persuing another option for Officer. I just dont even know if I want to be an Officer anymore. I am completely content with that at the moment. Exams are in February so it's time to start studying. :)

Im finding that the middle child(oldest Twin) is more and more like me. I see myself in her as she is trying to figure out who she is and what she wants out of life. Down to her style of dress, taste in music, friends, activities, likes and dislikes, etc. This amuses me as the DH has told me on more than one occasion he is wanting to watch her. He's concerned about her. Why? So she doesn't want to wear dresses, likes sports, can kick most of the boys asses, wants to stay natural and loves her rock and roll. Oh and is a Straight A student(just like me) This worries him and I find it absolutely hilarious because that is who I am and who I was when he met me and married me. Now he has a problem with it? So he doesn't want his daughter to be like me, his wife? Am I the only one that finds that odd?

THe weekend is here almost. Just a few more hours at work then Im free. I've made myself a to do list because so many little things at home have been bothering me, e.g. Stripping the beds, mopping floors, organizing dressers...lol   

He says he wants to do somthing then sleeps away all his free time.

He says he's working optional overtime to earn extra cash then reminds us all weekend when we want to do something that HE worked today.

He said he was going to sleep better once he was back on 1st shift, 2 months later, yesterday he says he's still trying to adjust to being on 1st shift. 

He says he wants to get back on the 'diet' again....sigh.....tomorrow

He says he wants to go to the gym, but can't because of his job and the type of work he does. I work 10 hours a day, 5 days a week and still go to the gym. I guess working in a shipyard means you can't?

We say we are going to buy that Harley in the Spring. We will! That's why you want to work 7 days a week, 10 hours a day again, when it's not mandatory.

You provide a decent life, home and food for our children. You'll buy me anything I want if you can. You'll do anything FOR me. How dare I get upset because you don't want to do things WITH me. After all, Im the reason you are killing yourself working the second most dangerous occupation in the world. Right?

Im going to go home and do what I want to do this weekend. I am going to accomplish some overdue tasks, spend some time with my ladies, drink a few beers probably, call a girlfriend who just got back home from overseas and generally hang out and enjoy me weekend. It's his choice if he wants to enjoy it with me, but DH, do NOT b*tch at me, if, when you wake up from one of your naps, and I am heavily involved in something, that I don't come running to you and give you all my time and attention at that very moment. And then continue to act like someone stepped on your puppy because me and the girls are laughing and enjoying life.

I don't care anymore, I haven't for a while, I've tried and thought we made progress, it appears only I have by getting things in the open. I gave them to you to use. It's your choice my love and it's become clear that you are who you are. I can't change that.

It's just a matter of time baby, you've given me my answer.