Journal

Finally after jumping through 100's of hoops all of my doctors have finally seen the light.  I am unemployable and will never get better. I think my fight with SSI is over and I can finally relax.

 It seems so sick to be happy about my doctors remarks but it is just reality. I am dying. My brain is slowing rotting away. Hopefully they will ease up on running me through tests and MRI's.  There is nothing more to prove. Just want to deal with problems as they arise as my brain turns to jello.

It is sad when all I think about is 8 more years then my 10yr old daughter can move out!! I am having such a hard time dealing with her attitude, eye rolling and sassy mouth!! I even told my friend yesterday I am tossing divorce around in my head just so I don't have to be by her. But I love James way to much to leave him and would miss my son.

 Is this normal to dislike the sight of your own child? She tells her 8yr brother how much she hates me. I found a note she wrote that she wishes me dead. Tried to talk with her many  times and all I get is the lowered eyes, curled up lip and tone of hate in her voice. I spend time with them. Lots of trips to park, library, friends home, zoo, museum, swimming pool. I never turn them down when they want to play board games. I make special treats for her such as egg salad sandwiches or ramen noodles.  She loves arts & crafts so I take her to Michaels so she can check things out and most times I let her pick out new stuff.

  As long as we are doing what she wants to do she is all smiles but as so as we get home she puts that chip back on her shoulder and the wall back around her.

  I guess all I can do is keep chipping away. She has to run out of cement soon.

  I remember though not standing the sight or sound of my mom. My mom just put me on ignore and dealt with the other 4 kids. I don't want to do that. Her & I didn't have a relationship until I was 32yrs old and that was only cause I had my daughter.

 Oh well. who said motherhood was easy??

Got my notice.. denied SSID. Pisses me off. 20pg report and it looks like I was judged mostly on testing from 05. Hello... I have had so many strokes since then. Can barely use Rt side and use a walker now. Left side of brain is mostly dead. I have alienated everyone from my life except my hubby & kids. We are going to appeal and I am asking my shrink tomorrow to maybe run new tests. My skills are nowhere where they were in 05.

  James, hubby, is so worried. My disabilty pay can be stopped at any moment.. that is 2000.00 gone from our household. There is no way he could work enough overtime to make that up. Plus his employers just took back their merit raises and threatening to cut jobs.

  We are keeping it all hush hush when kidsare around but most of our conversations are what are we going to do.

     off to do some heavy thinking...