freedomwish's Journal

we'll i haven't been on here in awhile but i need to vent.

i'm so tired of being sick that i'm losing who i am i think. i'm always depressed because i would rather be working rather than spending every waking moment at home.

i'm tired all the time (except when i want to sleep) my joints ache and keep me up at night.

i tell myself, that i just have to push through this and ignore it to get on with my life, but that seems next to impossible when remission dosen't seem to be in the cards for me. i want to live the normal life that other people my age live... dating, hanging out, going to the bar with friends, road trips... that all seems impossible now.

it seems like at least every other day i want to end it all, because i don't want to live this way anymore. but thats dumb. i just wish that one day i can feel well enough to get a job and an apartment. thats all i want right now, but it seems like i'm asking for world peace or something.

the only thing i have going for me now is the grant money i got to finish college. but then what? i'm already afraid to get a job because of my condition, afraid of relapsing as soon as i think i got my feet on the ground. especially since i won't have a place to live much longer.

is there really no end to this constant misery?

this might sound typical for a girl in my situation to say, but i wish a man would come along and sweep me off my feet. telling me that everything is going to be fine and that he will love me and care for me no matter how ill i ever get, that he will always be at my side. i know thats allot to ask for, in fact its impossible to find a guy like that, but a girl can dream... can't she?