Journal

I am breathing today so I guess that means that it is a good day....or not who knows. I am feeling worthless today and I don't know why I feel this way anymore. I always feel as though I don't matter. My family and friends go about their daily lives and I am always left alone. However whenever they need someone to lean on or count on I am the first phone call they make. I am tired....so tired of everything.

I tried to think back to when these feelings started and I was really scared when I realized that I started feeling this way when I was a child, approx. 8. I have been dealing with this for almost 21 years. I have tried everything to make these feelings stop (self medicating, cutting, eating disorders, legal medicating, etc.) I just want to feel wanted or worth something even if it is just for one day. Some days I am so numb that I cannot remember the last time that I laughed. I wish someone could help me fill this hole, fix what is broken, listen to my cries, make it all go away....................

This is my first day reaching out for support online. I have never tried anything like this before but I feel that it is time. My anxiety has been at all time highs again. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder for the first time 14 years ago. At first I did not want to try medication but I gave in to medication 7 years ago. It started with antidepressants. When that was not working I was put on tranquilizers, then zyprexa for nightmares was added on. The doctor I was seeing continued to pump me with medication instead of changing what I was taking to something else. Needless to say that I stopped meds and was doing fine until recently...

I am due to get married within the next few months but I am not sure if I am making the right decision. I am alone most of the time, it is rare that I am with my fiance. He has a difficult work schedule which leaves me alone. This is becoming difficult for me to deal with. There is also limited communication between us. I tried to get him to go to counseling with me but he refuses. I feel insignificant in life, like I don't matter. There are several reasons that cause me to feel this way, however I am not ready to talk about them. I just feel alone all of the time, even surrounded by those that love me, I still feel alone. I just wish I could talk to someone who understands me.....