Journal

Well in 3 more hours I will have made to the 48 hour mark.  I decided I would write the things I am going through as a reminder of what withdrawal truly feels like at least for me anyway. lol

Last night I did sleep better however I found myself waking up every few hours why I do not know as some of the time I wanted a cig other times I just woke up feeling anxious and not craving a cig.  I noticed like many have told me and even when reading about quitting it really does feel like you have the flu.  Just in this two day time period I have felt sick to my stomach, aches and pains all over my body, a headache that comes and goes and sometimes it feels like a sore throat or a cold is coming on.

I have felt dizzy and a bit shaky as well as feeling so tired that I don't want to move but yet find myself not being able to sleep.  I keep telling myself goodness I truly am a slave to these cigs.  I don't know why I am surprised at all the feelings and symptoms I am having as I have worked in the medical field most of my working career and several years at a pain management clinic where I worked with patients addicted to drugs, medications, alcohol and things I never even dreamed one could get addicted to.  I saw a lot of the withdrawal symptoms first hand but never in my wildest dreams did I think I was addicted to cigarettes and the nicotine they carry.

I certainly have a much better understanding of addiction and the withdrawal a person has to go through just to feel better.  The fates have tempted me this evening because as I went out to run a few errands I saw I had a full pack of cigs in my car that had not even been opened yet.  I forgot all about them.  I can tell you if I had known they were there Sunday night I am pretty sure I would have smoked them lol.  So I hear I sit tonight and I am still smoke free and I look at this pack of cigs and believe me they are taunting me.  I keep hearing a voice in my head saying just have one to take the edge off just one and then I quickly get up and do something or jump online and start reading about everyone that is still smoke free and I feel like I am ahead in the game.  Kind of like basketball in a sense.  Every time that voice inside my head says have one and I find something else to do I just scored two points.  Sounds silly I know but a part of me feels stronger each time I score.  Anyway that is where I am right now at this very moment  shooting baskets lol.  I may write more later as even writing down my thoughts gives me another way to release.

It has been almost 24 hours since I had that last cig.  This will be my 3rd attempt to cold turkey quit.   I had to laugh at myself because both times I had tried to quit before I thought it would be a good idea to keep a pack of cigs in the house.  I told myself I won't smoke them and I convinced myself that I would be less likely to panic if I had at least one pack in the house.  Well WRONG.  That pack of cigs stared at me and said I know you want me come on just have one it will take the edge off.

So then I convinced myself ok I will just have one but then one turned into two and I kept on going.  Well the second time around same thing I bought a pack to keep on hand telling myself nope I will not open it I will not open it over and over again.  But yet once again I opened but this time I said I will make this pack last and last I will just have a few puffs now and then just take the edge off you see.  I thought I won't even smoke a whole cig I will just on occassion have a few puffs and quickly put it out well that certainly didn't work because I found myself more on edge and wanting the cigs more and more.

This time I start with nothing.  And let me tell you it was a hellish night.  I could not and would not allow myself to fall asleep because old thoughts of needing that cig stuck in my mind. I had convinced myself I will not be able to sleep because I do not have that cig here to help me relax.   I watched the clock slowly turn to midnight and thought ok the store closest to me is now closed and I certainly didn't feel like driving all the way uptown for a pack.  Around 3 am I am lookng at the clock and thinking ok the store nearest me opens at 5 am if I can just hang on until 5 am everything will be fine.  I got up paced the floor a bit then I started reading one of the books recommended to me by one of the members in the support group. 

Well the author caught my interest and I could not stop reading before I knew it the clock said 7 am I passed the 5 am opening of the store and didn't even know it.  So I figured ok lets see how much longer you can go.   And that is exactly how it has been going.  The cravings come and go and the time keeps going and so far I have not went back to buy a poision stick.  One day, One hour at a time but I can say I am smoke free.