laurahp's Journal

     I had today off work and as usual, having a day off has resulted in to much time to think and ended up with me here in front of this computer crying.

   I was thinking bout all the guys from my past that are over on the other side. Keith, Aaron, Ron, Michael and of course David and I sort of have a new theory about why I was in their lives at the time of their deaths. Maybe I wasnt there to hurt me, when they crossed over, maybe I was there because God needed me to be with them prior to their deaths, to be me, to be silly and laugh, do stupid things to bring humor to them, to show them love as unconditional and free spirited as I was. To show them the way home to HIM, in a way only I could, with my way of addressing God like HE's my next door neighbor, or a long lost best friend. Maybe they needed to witness first hand someone who wasnt afraid to be laughed at for being different, someone who could laugh at herself, who would stand firm on her beliefs even if it ticked off the world, because thats just the way I was, ( still am). Maybe I was a good thing in their lives and they were NOT a punishment in mine. And God, who did indeed make me the person I was then and am now, knew that I  would survive the loss of each of these men.  But if all that is so true , then I can understand not being able to save David and Michael, but why not Keith, Ron , and Aaron, suicide is a choice, why couldnt I have had a positive enough impact on them to save their lives?

  I miss those guys, I wonder sometimes who they would be today if they had just stuck around and lived.  Ok let me rephrase that I wonder who Aaron would have been today, he would have been Jessicas father, no changing that fact. But would he have realized his dream of being a vet or raising throughbred horses, would he have built his dream house on that mountian side in Tenn, that had been his favorite spot on his family farm .  Would Jessica be a better person today if he had stayed alive to be a father? That day as he was tying that noose, do you suppose he ever thought that he would be affecting the life of a child not even born if he carried thru with his intent. Did he ever dream that 22 years later, it would still raise up to haunt me from time to time, what he went thru to come to the conclusion that he should end his physical life, because in his mind his life was ruined? I miss the boy he was and the man I think he could have been, even if he hadnt been with me.

  Keith  was doomed from before he met me, he had a drug habit that was unbelieveable, he lived in a world of disproportionate thoughts, a minor thing would morph into a catastrophe, courtesy of drugs, and the drugs were bigger than him, and me.  But if he could have gotten his habit under control, instead of it controlling him, he would have been a decent person. Too bad he wasnt a little stronger.

  Ron battled depression, long before he knew me, he abused his meds and alcohol. I wanted to save Ron from Ron, but he didnt want or know how to want, to be saved. But the man had a seriously  beautiful soul. He worked with austistic and mentally handicapped teens. He might not have stayed alive till today, but if he had a lot of troubled youth would be a bit better off today.

  David and Michael, they were good men, they had their flaws, we all do, but they were good men.  They both had integrity, ( David did compromise his a few times)  , but I learned alot about integrity and forgiveness from them both. I learned from Michael about loving someone enough to let them go. It worked both ways, he loved me enough to tell me I needed to go on and find a life with s omeone else, when he knew he  was gonna die.  I loved him enough to tell him the last day of his life that it was ok to let go and go home, we would be ok, i promised. We were. I learned about forgiveness with David, that is so self explanatory.

  I have stood by and watched a lot of lives end, given comfort when I could, even when all I wanted to do was scream and cry myself 

   I miss them all, these men from my past.  But i also miss my 4 great aunts who raised me , from the time I was 3 days old, till I was a young mom .  David and I buried the last of them, the Thursday before he died. I miss my great grand father, who taught me to read when I was 3 years old.  I miss my biological father, who tried to be a good dad, even with all the miles between us, and my step father Dean who died at 47 years old from complications brought on by exposure to Agent Orange during 2 tours in Veitnam. I miss my friend ( ex sister in law) Patti's husband , Gene, who hung himself on March 17, 2007, he was bi polar and couldnt stop the voices , so he did what he could to set himself free. I miss my sister Lisa's first husband Louis " Jr", who died of colon cancer at the age of 40, November 22, 2005.  He was my best friend all thru school and then he married my baby sister. They were divorced long before he died, but he was still my friend.  I miss my friend Terry, dead of spinal cancer at 25, and his son, Scotty, dead at age 30 nearly 3 months ago, from a drug over dose.  Of course I miss Ms Slyvia, she was an angel sent when I needed one .

  Death has been so much a part of my life. Tonight either I am going on over the edge, or I am finally coming to understand, death is not my enemy, it is not my friend either of course, it just is.  It has freed my friends and family members from unbearable pain, be that pain emotional , mental, or physical.  It has heaped pain on me, till I was almost ready to give up and go down for the count. It has taught me to treasure each moment I have with everyone I come in contact with, because it might make a difference in some small way. It has taught me to live in the moment, because there may not be a next moment. To hold on to the memories, both good and bad, because they are there for a reason and one day that reason will be revealed.

  Theres a new song by Rascal Flatts, well its a few months old now, called HERE COMES GOODBYE, in the beginning of the video, a man is talking to a little kid andhe's saying something about it seems like life is just a series of goodbyes. Hes right ; it is, but  for each of those good byes, there  had to be a hello in the past.  And who would have wanted to miss them to avoid the goodbyes. In the end of the video, hes asking the little boy, " Whats it like?" referring to heaven, and the little boy says" There are no more goodbyes"  We all have that to look forward to, one day there will be no more goodbyes. But for now I guess I for one will take my good byes, with as much grace as possible,because of the joy each of the hellos' brought me.

 David, I love you dearly and miss you horribly. Tell the others I miss them too. Save my seat on the front porch of the cabin.  Love you honey. Forever.