ralop's Journal

I just cannot believe it but it's happened again... let me count the times in 6 yrs that God and the universe have given me this opportunity... an opportunity nfor what... I'm not sure but it's here again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I knew it was coming for at least 3 months but I didn't want to believe this doc was going to  lie and be so covert and irresponsible about it all.  If he had told me that he was just not willing to have such a high risk pain patient I would have understood his position and I would have found another doc.  But instead he was deceitfull and even went so far as to stage a scene in the office attacking my integrity, and staging the whole scene. They were all in on it for months setting me up to "break my contract with late for the appointments and one ficticious no show they drummed up so they could call three no shows and let me go... He has lied in my records stating I refuse to exercise and follow his directions when he's the one that didn't do his job... Was suppose to referral me to the PM doc in the office and never did, for 6 months... was suppose to referral me for a colonoscopy and never did.  Was suppose to be open and completely honest with me .... that was the first conversation we had at the first appointment.... and he played it up good for the first 3 appointments and then slowly each month got more and more distant until he staged the confrontation last month... then he found his out with the 2 lates (3 minute each time!!) and the made up no show.  Then turned the lates into no shows (at their discretion) and canned me.. He didn't even do it face to face cause I had my man there and my daughter so he chickened out and made his poor nurse do his dirty work..  I AM SO TIRED OF LIES, IGNORANCE, ABUSE, IRRESPONSIBILITY, UNACCOUNTABILIY, AND A COMPLETE REFUSAL TO LIVE BY THEIR OWN VALUES AND ETHICS... IT IS SICKENING AND MAKES MY STOMACH TURN........... I HAVE 27 DAYS TO FIND A NEW DOC AND GET MY SCRIPTS REFILLED OR I AM HEADED FOR THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE WITH MY HEART CONDITION I WILL NOT SURVIVE A DETOX ALONE OFF OF SUCH A HIGH DOSE OF MEDS.......... GOD I AM SO TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I even had the thought of walking out into the traffic when I was leaving the clinic fri afternoon...........  I have never thought about how th end it especially not like that............. what the hell to do now.............. cower and allow the lies to remain in my records like the other docs early on in my first year of chronic pain  which is why I think these guys keep canning me after the first few months... I think they strart out okay then get all my records find the lies get scared and get out fast as they can........

I guess it's down tho the disability law center and see if they can help me get and clean up the records so I've got a fighting chance to be treated with some sort of human dignity......I gotta go put the heating pad on my back as this whole thing has me feeling like a bulldozer ran me over ... and over and over and over again.... the stress is doing me in and complicating and comprimizing my who health situation... emotionally in shock and extreme fear and mistrust of just about everyone.... PTSD type anxiety is back after 12 years in remission...... and I don't know how to put one foot infront of the other any more... even my physical symptoms are getting worse with the pressure sensation which leads to the sensation that my legs are just going buckle under me and I will loose ability to walk or feel enough to stand up.....

Oh but I'm only there for the feakin pills. God save the assholes soul and help me to find forgiveness for thr damage he's done to me . God please.. calling all angels and powers that be to please safely bring me forgiveness and a new doctor to help me once agaun