ralop's Journal

I HAVEN'T WRITTEN HERE FOR A WHILE. PRETTY TIRED RIGHT NOW. WILL TRY TO MAKE AN ENTRY AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK. I MUST KEEP A PAIN JOURNAL AND IT IS HAND WRITTEN SO I DON'T WANT TO COME HERE AND WRITE MORE AFTER WRITING THERE. WISH WE HAD A NICE PRINTER THAT  WORKED AND THEN I WOULD WRITE ALL HERE AND JUST PRINT OFF WHAT I NEEDED TO TAKE TO THE DOC OR HAVE A PAPER COPY OF STUFF.

I ALSO WISH THIS JOURNAL IN DS WOULD AUTO SAVE UR STUFF AS I HAVE LOST SO MANY WHILE WRITING THEM THAT I ALMOST DON'T WANT TO WRITE HERE TOO MUCH.

GUESS I SHOULD MAKE THE SUGGESTION TO WHOM EVER IS IN CHARGE OF THAT KIND OF STUFF FOR DS.

TOO TIRED TO STAY ON SO CLOSE FOR NOW.

ONE NEW SCARY SYMPTOM THIS PAST 3-4 WEEKS

NUEROLOGICAL I GUESS... IT FEELS AS IF I AM GOING TO HIT THE FLOOR... I FEEL A WEIRD TYPE OF PRESSURE IN LOWER BACK INJURY AREA AND THEN EVERYTHING FROM WAIST DOWN GOES SORT OF SHAKEY AND WEEK AND FEELS LIKE I WILL LOSE ABILITY TO WALK , STAND WHATEVER. IT IS THE STRANGEST SYMPTOM YET. AT LEAST IT ISNT OUT OF CONTROL PAIN... ITS A PRESSURE FEELING .. THE OUT OF CONTROL PAIN EPISODES ARE COMING 2-3 X EACH WEEK NOW AND THIS I DO NOT LIKE.

GENERAL UP DATE ON PERSONAL LIFE JUST SUCKS BAD. 17 PLUS YEARS WITH THIS MAN AND HE IS WILLING TO THROW IT ALL AWAY BECAUSE HE'S UNCOMFORTABLE IN HIS LIFE AND NEEDS A CHANGE.  MAYBE I SHOULD LEAVE HIM... HES JUST NOT A VERY CARING PERSON TO HIS BLOOD RELATIVES OR HIS KIDS OR HIS G-KIDS AND HE WOULD RATHER RUN AROUND LOOKING ON THE OUTSIDE OF HIMSELF FOR A FIX OF SEX OR SOMETHING ELSE TO KEEP HIMSELF FEELING WELL.  GOD.. WHEN WILL PEOPLE LEARN IT IS AN INSIDE JOB AND ALL UR SEARCHING ON THE OUTSIDE WILL NEVER SATISFY YOUR REAL NEEDS. I AM TIRED OF BEING HIS GARBAGE CAN. OR OF HAVING HIS LIFES SATISFACTION BE MY JOB.  I AM JUST TOO TIRED AND NOT STUPID ENOUGH FOR THAT JOB ANYMORE.

NO ONE EVER THINKS ABOUT ALL THE PEOPLE EFFECTED WHEN A RELATIONSHIP HAS GONE ON THIS LONG.. THE KIDS ESSPECIALLY. WHAT A THING TO TEACH THEM.. WHEN U GET TIRED OF SOMEONE JUST THROW EM AWAY FOR A NEWER MODEL.. WHAT AN AMERICAN CURSE. 

GEEZ

IN LIGHT, LOVE, & TRUTH, & SERVICE

TERRIEANN

'RALOP'