ralop's Journal

I WOKE AGAIN FROM A 1 1/2 HR TRY TO SLEEP SESSION. I MADE A NEW FRIEND EARLIER AT 4:44

SINGING IN THE TREES. I REALIZED THAT DEPENDING ON HOW COLD THE AIR BECOMES WITH THIS STORM I MAY NOT HAVE THE EXPERIENCE OF HEARING THEIR SUMMER SONGS AGAIN FOR A GOOD 9 MONTHS TO COME. IWAS SADD. I THEN WONDERED IF I WAS THE ONLY PERSON SITTING ON THE FRONT STOOP THINKING THAT THOUGHT. YEP, IT MAY BE THAT NOONE ELSE IS THINKING IT ALTHOUGH IM SURE IT HAS BEEN RECOGNIZED IN TIME BEFORE. I AM SURE AT LEAST ONE OR 2 POETS HAVE HAD THE THOUGHT FORM INTO SOMETHING.  WELL I MUST TRY TO FIX THE WAY THIS JOURNAL SEEMS TO MOVE MY WORDS AROUND WHERE THEY DO NOT BELONG. I DONT KNOW WHAT I KEEP PUSHING BUT I WISH I WOULD STOP PUSHING IT AS IT REALLY MESSES UP THE STORY LINE. ALL OF A SUDDEN MY WORDS ARE TYPING IN ON TOP OF THE PAGE WHEN THEY SHOULD BE AT THE BOTTOM. I HAVENT A CLUE WHAT I KEEP HITTING.

 THIS MORN ANGEL TIME. I SAY ANGEL TIME BECAUSE OF A STORIE I KNOW OF A PERSON WHO WAS TOUCHED BY ANGELS AT PRECICELY 4:44 AM EVERY DAY. IT WAS THEIR WAY OF HELPING HIM KNOW FOR SURE THEY WERE REAL. I ALWAYS TAKE NOTE OF ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS AT 4:44AM NOW. THANKS TO CHERISHEGIRLS FOR THE PERSONAL CONTACT AND SUPPORT. I HAVE BEEN SO ISOLATED FROM ALL I USED TO BE ABLE TO DO AND ALL THOSE FRIENDS I USED TO BE ABLE TO DO THINGS WITH. IT HURTS SO BADDLY EMOTIONALLY WHEN I REALLY LOOK AT THE STATE OF MY LIFE AND COMPARE IT TO EVEN JUST A YEAR AGO.  I AM SUCH AN EMOTIONALLY CHARGED WOMAN THOUGH AND SO I FEEL DEEPLY AND MORE ABOUT MANY THINGS OTHERS JUST DONT GIVE A 2ND THOUGHT TO.  LIKE JUST KNOW I WAS SITTING ON MY FRONT STOOP ENJOYING THE FIRST PARTS OF THE FIRST STORM OF THE FALL SEASON. TALKING TO MY TREES AND I HEARD THE CRICKETS AND THE KADIDIDS

SO I HAVE A STRESS HEADACHE FROM YESTERDAYS PAIN EPISODE.  I CANNOT GET IT TO GO AWAY. THE PAIN WAS FROM A FEW DIFFERENT SOURCES. TWO MAIN REASONS .1) I RAN LOW ON MY MEDS THIS MONTH AND BEFORE PICKING UP MY NEW MONTHS SUPPLY THE PAIN WAS EVERYWHERE. NOT REALLY DT'S YET BUT DEFINATELY NO CUSHION FROM THE PAIN. THE 2ND REASON IS THIS HUGE LOW PRESSURE STORM COMING IN FROM THE PACIFIC OCEAN. THE STORMS PRODUCE PRESSURE CHANGES AND THE MORE DRASTIC THE PRESSURE CHANGE THE MORE PAIN I FEEL IN THE MAIN INJURY SITE IN MY LOWER BACK AND THEN FROM THE TIPTOP OF MY SPINE TO THE BOTTOM FEELS LIKE A CABLE ON A WENCH BEING TIGHTENED TO THE SNAPPING POINT. YESTERDAY WITHOUT THE MEDS I FELT EVERY JOINT IN MY BODY FELT AS IF THEY WERE GOING TO IMPLODE AND EXPLODE AT THE SAME TIME.  EVERY NERVE WAS VIVIDLY AWARE OF INFLAMATION AND THE MAIN NERVE IN MY LOWERBACK WHICH IS BEING ANNOYED BY THINGS WHICH SHOULDNT BE TOUCHING IT WAS SENDING EVERY OTHER NERVE FROM MY WAIST TO MY TOES THE MESSAGE THAT ALL WERE TO BE ANNOYED AT THE SAME TIME.  I DONT KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS THAT ONE YET. THEY ARE ALL ON TILT AND TWEEKING AND FREAKING OUT AT THE SAME TIME.. I WASNT STABLE ON MY PAIN MEDS WHEN I LOST MY DOC ABOUT 8 MONTHS AGO AND THE DOC I HAVE BEEN FORCED TO DEAL WITH SICE THEN IS ONE OF THOSE ABUSIVE IGNORANT ONES AND SHES RATHER ARROGANT IN HER RIGID THINKING AND BELIEFS. I DO WISH ROTTEN THINGS ON THE PEOPLE WHO JUDGE IN THEIR IGNORANCE. I CANNOT SEEM TO STOP MYSELF FROM BELIEVING THAT IF THEY TOO COULD EXPERIENCE THE LEVEL OF SEVERITY MANY OF US EXPERIENCE IN PHYSICAL PAIN AND THE LENGTHS WE ENDURE THE PAIN AND THE EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL PAIN THEY INFLICT WITH THEIR IGNORANCE WE WOULD HAVE MANY MINDS CHANGING IN RAPID SUCCESSION.  I AM ALMOST ONTO A NEW DOCTOR LIST AND HAVE BEEN LOOKING EVERYDAY BUT EVERYONE I HAVE TRIED SO FAR ISNT TAKING ANY NEW PATIENTS WITH MEDICARE INSURANCE. THE SYSTEM SEEMS ALSO TO PUT MOUNTAINS IN THE WAY AND I JUST DONT CLIMB THEM AS WELL AS I USED TO.  I AM A PRETTY TOUGH BITCH AND IT TAKES ALOT TO GET ME DOWN BUT THIS CRAP AND DAYS OF OUT OF CONTROL PAIN LIKE YESTERDAY ARE WEARING ON ME AND I ALSO FEEL AS IF I AGED A DECADE YESTERDAY. THE STRESS IS AS CONSUMING AS THE PAIN MANY TOO MANY DAYS.

I WILL BE SEEING A G-MA WHO HAS MUCH NATURAL HEALING SKILLS SOMETIME THIS COMING WEEK AND IVE PLACED A LOT OF FAITH IN HER DIRECTION.  I HAVE TO GO IN TO HAVE MY GAL BLADDER OUT IN ABOUT A WEEK AND A HALF AND I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THE ADDED STRESS ON MY BODY WITH THAT.  THE HOSPITAL IS NOT A GOOD PLACE TO TRY TO BE COMFORTABLE IN WITH A HURT BACK. WELL I WILL ASK ANY ONE WHO READS THIS MESS FOR PRAYERS TO FIND A COMPETENT COMPASSIONATE DOC FOR ME TO DEAL WITH SOON PLEASE. THANKS, GOD AND GREAT SPIRIT BLESS U ALL EVEN THE STUPID DOCS AND LOVE AND LIGHT BE YOURS. BYE 4 NOW