ralop's Journal

HELLO....   I AM SO TIRED OF FEELING DEPRESSED, STUCK, ISOLATED, ANNOYED, ANGRY, RAGEFUL ANGER TRYING TO COVER UP THE INTENSE PAIN, PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL, PSYCHOLOGICAL FREEKIN PAIN.  AS BEFORE, JUST SITTING HERE TO LOG ON AND TRY TO BE A PART OF SOMETHING RELATED TO MY REALITY IS PRODUCING MORE PAIN. MY BODY IS DEPENDENT UPON A DOSE TOO SMALL TO HELP ME BE OUT OF PAIN FOR EVEN A LITTLE WHILE A DAY.  I WAS NEVER STABLE BEFORE I HAD TO LEAVE THE LAST DOCTOR. I AM SO FEARFUL OF HAVING TO GO THROUGH DEALING WITH THE INCEDIBLE IGNORANCE ABOUT CHRONIC SEVERE PAIN.  I AM SO EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED.  I WANT TO BE OUT OF PAIN FOR A LITTLE WHILE, A BREAK SO TO SPEAK, A REPRIEVE, REPITE, VACATION.  NOT ONE MINUTE NOT EVEN SLEEPING BRINGS ANY PAIN FREE MOMENTS.  I HAVE TO STOP I CANNOT SIT AND WRITE ANY MORE.  BACK SOON AS I AM ABLE.

I'M BACK, 8 HRS LATER, BUT I'M BACK.

FEELS BETTER TO BE BACK ON LINE TOO. I DON'T FEEL SO ALONE WHEN I AM HOOKED UP WITH OTHERS WHO HAVE SIMILAR EXPERIENCES DAILY.  I HAVEN'T REALLY TALKED OR HOOKED UP WITH ANYONE BUT JUST KNOWING SOMEONE MAY READ MY INFO MAKES ME FEEL CONNECTED. TRYING TO DEAL WITH THOSE WHO REALLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT CHRONIC, SEVERE, WORSENING PAIN DOES TO YOUR LIFE IS A STRUGGLE ADDED TO THE OTHER STRUGGLES OF THE DAILY GRIND. 

GOD BLESS YOU WHO WERE CHOSEN TO START THIS SITE, AND YOU WHO HAVE TAKEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO HELP THOSE WHO SEARCH HERE FOR SANITY AND SOME SEMBLENCE OF PEACE IN A MOMENT BY MOMENT EXPERIENCE WHICH TEARS A PERSON TO SHREDES AND ATTEMPTS TO DESTROY ALL THAT MAKES LIFE WORTH LIVING.  GOD, GREAT SPIRIT, WHAT EVER YOU MAY CALL IT BLESS YOU BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU IN HIS/HER GRACE.

 I HAD AN OUT OF CONTROL PAIN EXPERIENCE AGAIN TODAY. IT LASTED FOR ABOUT 3 HRS. I HAD TO TAKE EXTRA MEDS TO GET THROUGH IT.  I AM SO TORN ABOUT THE PROCESS I AM SUPPOSE TO FOLLOW.  I AM NOT UNDER CONTRACT WITH ANYONE AT THIS TIME BUT I STILL TREAT MY MEDICATION USE AS IF I WERE UNDER CONTRACT.  I BELIEVE I SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO THE HOSPITAL WHEN MY PAIN BREAKS THRU THE PAIN MEDICINES ABILITY TO RELIEVE IT, AND DOCUMENT WITH THE HOSPITAL AND A PROFESSIONAL EVERYTIME THE PAIN EXCEEDS THE MEDICATIONS DOSEAGE  ABILITY TO BRING RELIEF, OR RATHER KEEP THE PAIN CONTROLED AT A RATE WHICH IS HUMANLY TOLERABLE. BUT I TAKE AN EXTRA DOSE OR I SUFFER.  WHEN I TAKE AN EXTRA DOSE I SUFFER LATER IN THE MONTH WITH LESS MEDICATION WHICH ISNT EASILY TOLERATED EITHER.  THE DOCTOR DOESNT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT BECAUSE THEN YOU ARE BREAKING THE CONTRACT YOU HAVE PROMISED TO FOLLOW WITH NO DEVIATION FROM WHAT IS STATED YOU WILL FOLLOW.

THIS TYPE OF COMMUNICATION IS NOT CONDUCIVE TO ANYONES BENEFIT, MOST ESPECIALLY THE CHRONIC PAIN SUFFERER.  THERE IS NO ROOM IN THIS SITUATION FOR THE TRUTH.  AND THE TRUTH IS THAT MANY TIMES WE END UP NEEDING AN EXTRA DOSE TO GET THROUGH THE DAMN PAIN. AND MUCH OF THE TIME OUR BODIES BECOME DEPENDENT UPON THE DOSE JUST TO BE IN A NORMAL SPACE AND THE DOSE NEEDS TO BE RAISED PERIODICALLY AND OR A NEW ADDED MEDICATION OR A COMPLETELY NEW MEDICATION TO REPLACE THE ONE WHICH IS NO LONGER WORKING WELL.

I AM PRAYING TONITE THAT THE NEXT DOCTER I FIND IS PROFESSIONAL AND HUMANLY ABLE TO HANDLE THE TRUTH BECAUSE I AM NO LONGER WILLING TO FOLLOW THIS SET OF RULES WHICH KEEPS EVERYONE IN A STATE OF UNACCOUNTABILITY AND AGAINST OPEN COMMUNICATION BETWEEN DOCTOR AND PATIENT. IT PRODUCES MORE TROUBLE THAN IT IS SUPPOSEDLY WORTH.  WHO IS IT REALLY KEEPING SAFE??  IGNORENCE IS NOT BLISS. THE TRUTH WILL SET US FREE.  I UNDERSTAND THE HEAVY BURDEN WE ARE ALL UNDER AND THE TROUBLES CAUSED BY ADDICTS JUST SEARCHING FOR A HIGH AND NOT CARING OF THE CONSEQUENCES WHICH ARE PAID BY ALL WHO ARE INVOLVED IN THIS TRUELY UNFAIR SITUATION IN LIFE .  BUT I JUST DONT WANT TO BE A PART OF THE PROBLEM ANY MORE.  I FEEL KEEPING SOME TRUTH TO MYSELF AND GOD, AND ONLY SHARING PARTIAL TRUTHS IS A DIRECT PART OF THE PROBLEM AND NOT A PART OF A SOLUTION.  EVERYONES CARDS SHOULD BE ON THE TABLE IF WE ARE TO CREATE SOLUTION AND TRUE HEALING.

I SUPPOSE I AM JUST CRYING IN THE DARK, BUT I BELIEVE IT IS WORTH MY EFFORT TO FIND OUT.  IF MIKE MOORE CAN PUT A MOVIE(SICKO)ABOUT THE TRUTH OUT INTO THE WORLD THEN MAYBE MY EFFORT WON'T BE LOST IN TIME.????

I AM TIRED NOW. GOODNITE GOOD PEOPLE AND FELLOW SUFFERERS.

IN GENUINE LOVE AND TRUTH,

TERRIEANN

'RALOP'