ralop's Journal

  I BEGAN MY STORY WEEKS AGOBUT THE SITE KEPT LOSING IT.  IF IT DOES THIS AGAIN I WILL WRITE IN MY G-MAIL AND COPY IT TO HERE.  I JUST WANT TO WRITE HERE, STUBBORN , I  KNOW.

MY NAME IS TERRIEANN. TODAY I CELEBRATE 11 YRS CLEAN AND SOBER.  OOOOOH, A PERSON WHO TAKES PAIN MEDICATIONS AND CLAIMS SOBRIETY.  YEP THATS ME.  A DEAF  FRIEND OF MINE, GONE TO THE ANGELS NOW, NAMED ME "STUBBORN" YEARS AGO & I REMAIN TRUE TO HER WISDOM.. I LOVE & MISS YOU PENNY W H.  ANYWHO...  I COULD IN NO WAY HAVE MADE IT THROUGH THIS CHRONIC PAIN EXPERIENCE WITHOUT THE 12 STEP BACKGROUND & YRS OF STAYING CLEAN, & RECOVERING FROM MY SELF INFLICTED INSANITY.

I PRAY I CAN HOLD ON TO THE SPIRITUAL HIGH I HAVE TODAY AND LOWERED PAIN TO GET THROUGH THE SPEAKERS MTG TONIGHT AT MY HALL. I WAS ASKED TO SPEAK LAST FALL AND EGO SAID YES!!!   I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO ATTEND MY HOME GROUP OR ANY OTHER MTGS ON ANY REGULAR BASIS SINCE LAST FALL.  FOR A YR BEFORE THAT IT WAS A DWINDLING ABILITY.  THE "STUBBORN" IS MY DOWNFALL AS MUCH AS MY SAVING GRACE. SO THERE ARE THOSE COMPLETELY IGNORANT OF CP AND PAIN MEDICATION'S FUNCTION AND THEY ALL HAVE THEIR GOSSIPY OPINIONS ABOUT WHERE TERRIEANN'S BEEN AND WHY AND WITH WHAT.  I DON'T GIVE A DAMN EXCEPT THERE MAY BE A NEWCOMER WHO LISTENS TO THEIR CRAP. 

WELL I BEGAN THIS CHRONIC PAIN EXPERIENCE IN AUGUST OF 2003.  MY ORRIGINAL INJURY ALL THE WAY BACK IN 1984.  THE PAIN WOULD COME AND GO THROUGHOUT THE YRS, NEEDING NARCOTIC MEDICATION FOR A WEEK OR TWO AND THEN IT WOULD GO AWAY AGAIN.  BUT, IN 2003 IT CAME, I WAITED FOR IT TO LEAVE,  5 YRS LATER I'M STILL WAITING. 

WHAT A 5 YRS IT'S BEEN.  THE ABUSE FROM DR.S AND OTHER PROFESSIONALS BEGAN ABOUT 6 MONTHS INTO IT.  I WAS TAKING 3-LORTAB-7.5 MG. EA. DAY. NOT MUCH COMPARED TO WHAT I COULD HAVE BEEN TAKING, BUT MY SOBRIETY HAS ALWAYS KEPT MY PAIN MEDS DOWM TO A BARE MINIMUM.

  I COULDN'T SLEEP ANY MORE AS THE PAIN WOULDN'T ALLOW IT  SO I ASKED MY REGULAR PHYS. ASST. DOC TO RAISE THE DOSE TO  ONE MORE PILL FOR NIGHT TIME.  SHE WAS RELUCTANT, BUT AFTER SEEING MY M.R.I. SHE SENT ME TO SEE A PHYSIATRIST, (SPECIALIST IN SPORTS MED DR. WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN SURGERY)  THIS GUY WAS A CROCK, A CROOK, AN ASS, AND ONE OF THE MOST  NON-PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE I'VE MET ALONG THIS ROAD.

NEED BREAK NOW W/CONTINUE LATER 

I'M BACK. THE SPEAKERS MTG. WENT WELL.  I WAS NERVOUS BUT OTHERS SAID I DID WELL, SO I'LL TAKE THEIR WORD FOR IT.  I'LLGO TO MY HOME GROUP THIS WEEK AND PICK UP MY ELEVEN YR CHIP.  I DESERVE IT MORE THIS YEAR THAN ANY OTHER.  WHY?  BECAUSE STAYING SOBER THROUGHOUT THIS CP EXPERIENCE HAS BEEN A LOT LIKE MY FIRST FEW YEARS IN AA.  VERY DIFFICULT NOT TO TAKE A FEW MORE PILLS TO BE COMPLETELY OUT OF PAIN AND CHECK OUT FOR A WHILE.  I JUST KNOW IT WOULDN'T BE JUST ONCE, OR JUST A FEW MORE PILLS FOR ME.   IT WOULD BE MANY TIMES  AND MANY PILLS UNTIL I GAVE UP ALLTOGETHER.  WITH THESE DRUGS THAT COULD EASILY MEAN DEATH. 

    SO, BACK TO THE CP HISTORY STORY. 

    THIS PHYSIATRIST GUY DID'T LOOK AT MY M.R.I., HE DID'T LOOK AT MY CHART HISTORY AT ALL.  HE DID'T DO A PHYSICAL EXAMINATION .  WHEN I TOLD HIM I WAS THERE TO SEE IF HE COULD DO ANYTHING MORE FOR ME THAN MY P.A. DOC AND THAT I NEEDED A REFILL ON MY MEDS FROM HIM TOO, THAT MY P.A. TOLD ME TO GET IT FROM HIM, HE HAD ME WAIT A MOMENT.  WHEN HE CAME BACK HE SAID SORRY I WOULD HAVE TO GO BACK TO MY PRIMARY P.A. FOR MEDS.

    I WAS A LITTLE IRRITATED AND LEFT FEELING THE BRUSH OFF AND COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY ANY PROF. DOC WOULD TREAT ME SO WEIRD.  I WENT TO THE AFTER HOURS CLINIC AND THEY GAVE ME 15 PILLS TO GET TO SEEING MY P.A.

    THEN I WENT TO SEE MY P.A. AND FOUND THAT SHE WAS TO BE OUT OF TOWN AND SO I SAW THE DOC WHO WAS TAKING HER PATIENTS WHILE SHE WAS GONE, ANOTHER 15 TO 30 PILLS.  WHEN THOSE RAN OUT I WAS STILL UNABLE TO SEE MY REG DOCAND SO I AGAIN WENT TO THE AFTER HOURS CLINIC AND SAW ANOTHER, DIFFERENT DOC AND AGAIN 15 PILLS.  AT THAT AMOUNT OF PILLS I WAS RUNNING OUT EVERY 3 TO 4 DAYS WHICH HAD ME BACK TO SEE THE DOCS AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK. 

    WELL, UNKNOWN BY ME THE PHYSIATRIST  CREEP HAD RUN MY ID THRU THE HOSPITALS AND HAD SEEN HOW MANY DIFF DOCS I SAW IN A MONTH'S TIME AND PUT OUT A "RED FLAG" ON ME TO MY REG DOC, THE AFTER HOURS CLINIC AND INTO MY REG CHART AT THE HOSPITAL AND THEIR AFFILIATED CLINICS TO NOT GIVE ME ANY MEDS THAT BECAUSE OF THE BEHAVIOR OF BEING SEEN BY SO MANY DIFF DOCS HE DECIDED I WAS JUST A DRUG ADDICT LOOKING FOR A HIGH AND THERE WAS NO PHYSICAL REASON KNOWN BY HIM TO CAUSE NEED OF 3 OR 4 PILLS A DAY.  HE EVEN SENT ME A LETTER TO TELL ME WHAT HE DID , A LETTER I DID NOT SEE FOR A WHOLE YEAR AFTER IT ARRIVED.  IT GOT LOST IN MY MESS OF BILLS I WAS PILING UP BECAUSE I HAD NO JOB NO DISABILITY YET AND COULDN'T PAY ANY OF THEM.

     NOT SEEING THE LETTER FROM THE PHYSIATRIST CREEP WAS A BAD THING.  WHEN I WENT TO SEE                                                                                                                                                                                         MY REG. DOC AFTER SHE RETURNED FROM HER LONG ABSENCE THERE WAS A NURSE WHO TOOK ME INTO A BACK ROOM,BUT NOT A REG EXAMINATION ROOM AND PROCEEDED TO TELL ME MY REG DOC WOULD NO LONGER SEE ME.  THEY GAVE NO OTHER EXPLANATION THAN SHE COULDN'T HELP ME ANYMORE.  OF COURSE I WAS LOST IN TWILIGHT LAND.  I REALLY QUESTIONED MY SANITY AT THAT POINT.  I DID NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS HAPPENING OR WHY AND I WAS REFUSED A REFILL ON THE MEDS I NEEDED SO BADLY BECAUSE THE PAIN WAS GETTING WORSE.

 NEED A BREAK BRB