tammyashiloh's Journal

                                                    MY JOURNEY

        I was a beautiful flower born unto this earth amongest the posionous plants and weeds.

     They taught me some good but mostly about pain, hurt and disappointments.

     As I grew my pedals fell off one by one, finding out those you thought were your world 

     were just as scared and confused as you were.

     They forced their sins on you forgetting you were just a little flower who couldn't take

     on such big responsibilities and burdens.

     But you loved them and felt such guilt if you said no and turned your back on them.

     So you took it and you took it until you just couldn't take it anymore, because in the

     middle of being the one who had to take care of everyone else you forgot to take care

     of yourself.  You were no longer this beautiful little flower you use to be.

     You were old and crushed and wilted right down to the ground that you couldn't even lift

      one leaf.

     Oh their were people every now and then that gave you a few drops of water just to keep  

     you under their control and make you think they had it in them to love you like you deserved.

     Even a few rays of sunshine got through those poison plants and weeds that sheltered you 

     from the life you thought you were going to have. Only to find out it was false sunshine.

     Only a volted lamp of light in the prison you found out you had become trapped in

     over the years.  Someone had put you their when you weren't looking to keep them

     from having to face their fears and do things for themselves.

     But now I am free, I am out from under their shadow. I am nobody's enabler, no ones

     excuse why they failed. No ones escape from thier responsibilities to seek forgiveness

     for their sins. For I have forgiven them for being weak and forcing their weakness on

     me to carry them through. I am forgetting the past as so not to ruin my present and my

     future. Now I'm starting to rise up and grow in the real sunshine I found when I left

     my abusers behind. I am dancing in the rain and drinking the feeling of accomplishment

     I am finding my pedals I lost that made me who I was because I know I was happy

     once upon a time. And this is where my fairytale begins because fairytales can come

     true if you don't let others tell you there's no such thing. I am almost a beautiful flower

     again and even though I am no longer little. I say what happens next not them.

     For no matter how much you love someone, you have to save yourself first and then 

     watch to see if they sink or swim and you might be surprised but either way if you

     stay with someone whose drowning they just clinge to you and take you down until

     you both drown.  Have faith sister survivors whether the person who has abused you

     makes it through or not it's not yours to bare. You gave everything you could get out

     Before you lose all your pedals, wilt to the ground. Shrivel up and turn to dust.

   *It's only been five months since I left my abuser and though many things have happened to me that made me want to go running back to the old familar. I thought I am soooo broken why would I go back to the person who broke me, to find comfort and repair. So I stopped and I picked myself up and went through so much in such a short time but i'm determined to make it out of my Hell no matter what life throws at me. I AM A SURVIVOR and I will not let them take that away from me, it's just evil trying to make me lose my faith. It constantly torments and tortures us, until we either give in or break free. My day in the sunshine is coming I know it in my heart.

I will make it and I am sending out all my prayers and all my good faith and love that all of you make it too. Anyone who reads this know it's meant for you or I wouldn't of been inspired to write it and you wouldn't of been inspired to read it. GOD only knows love and hasn't forgot about anyone. We all just have to find our way in our own time. Look for the signs there all around us trying to help us figure out which way to go. Sometimes we get lost and take the difficult road through life but know you will make it. Watch for the easier path trust your instincts and you will find it. Fight the temptation of the weak and feeble minded. Stay strong and grow strong and beautiful again. Don't ever let anyone take your sunshine away.* 

 **tammyashiloh original**