angeleyes08's Journal

Where to start, where to start?

 I don't know really. I feel like I want to shut down. Just... stop operating. I'm not really sure why. I woke up this way. I was getting so good at not being depressed! I can't even say this feeling is depressed... I'm just... I don't know. Sigh.

It's like, everything is going wrong at the same time.  I've been sick lately so I missed work yesterday and today. And, since I forgot to hand in my timesheet Friday (when it's due... Monday at the latest, because I get paid tomorrow)... I was supposed to hand it in yesterday and I wasn't there so I won't get paid tomorrow. And this weekend was my brother's birthday, so I spent my rent money on his bday supper and other goodies for his party. AND because I missed two days this week and two last week, I'm not going to have as much money. Ick. I know it's my own doing, but it's still miserable. Just because I'm ill.

The trip to BC is in August. I needed the money by last week, and I don't even have half yet. Hopefully my income tax return will be enough, but I have no guarantee of getting it in time because I did it late and I may not get the money until mid-August.

Again, all my fault but I just don't want to deal with it all anymore. I'm sick of working, but I need to because I can't afford to stay home... a part of me wants to kill myself just to stop dealing with it all. There's no happy medium! And I'm soooo lazy... I can't lose weight, clean my house, whatever.... and "real life" support isn't as strong. I feel like Carrie and Misty are the only people I can talk to. Even my male best friend, Kelly, isn't so much anymore... he's getting married this summer and his fiancee just had his baby, so he's too busy for me. I don't know why he's with her, she drives him crazy. And he's kissed me before! They should just break up. But I don't know if I could be with him even if they weren't together because I'm completely mental when it comes to guys I like, which is why I opt to be single right now. I don't want to be jealous and paranoid on top of this all.

So where to go? What to do? I don't really trust myself right now but I don't know where to turn. I want to stuff my face with McDonald's and chocolate. I'm tempted to slip into old habits, and anyone who knows my mental state knows what that is. I don't even want to go to work anymore, even though I need the money, because I don't feel like getting up and dealing with it all. I'm sick of it! 

I'M SICK OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know what to do, where to turn. My only theory is no sudden movements, no sudden actions, or I'll end up doing something I regret...