angeleyes08's Journal

Dear Diary,

I read this title in one of the forums and thought it was perfect for me. I'm heavy, I have the perfect perspective to write for all the fat girls. Don't get me wrong, not everything will be centered around my weight. But a lot of the things I do are affected by it nonetheless.

Day one: My self-awareness.

Now, this isn't the first day by a LONG shot of being fat, nor having the knowledge that I am. I've known for some years now. Perhaps... just maybe... I stopped caring? Bear with me here as I delve into my teenage psyche. I was always fat. Except for a couple years as a child, when I was a normal and healthy teenager. Obesity has just become a part of my identity. So to change that, as negative as it's been in my life, means changing everything I ever was. Not an easy task! I had the same theory with my depression, but perhaps I'll tackle that one at a later date. What would I do if I were skinny now? Who would I be? I've been so convinced that my personality came from this.... that I have a sense of humor and other positive traits because I had to compensate for being unattractive. I would need to buy smaller clothes. That's not cheap. I have been rejected, time and time again, because of my weight. It doesn't help that I'm menacingly tall either. So, if I were by SOME chance to lose weight and tone up, I would have no excuse if I were to get rejected. I couldn't blame it on my "fat suit" anymore... I would need to develop a stronger sense of self to be rejected for my personality, instead of being turned down by "shallow pricks" because of my body.

I don't think there's ever been an entire day where I felt BEAUTIFUL, without a doubt, for the whole day. Will I ever lose enough weight to achieve that? Will I ever be "enough"...? Skinny enough, toned enough, pretty enough, enough weightloss, happy enough? Is there such a thing with the women in our world?

So day one, here I am, with a heightened awareness that I AM FAT. I don't plan to be mini, just healthier. And yes, damn it, I want to look good in a bathing suit. Now that I can see my problem areas on my body, I must look at the problem areas in my life, and strengthen my will to deal with them. I must feed the passion that drives us all... that burning desire to fit in. To be normal, if only for a little bit. To keep up with our kids, smile on the beach, and love that girl in the mirror. What's step two? For me, it's looking into my options. I'm extending my support network and asking professionals what they recommend. Baby steps, baby steps! As my brother once said, it took me 23 years to get fat... I won't be able to fix it overnight.

DAY ONE, HEAR ME ROAR!! I will be strong, and I will beat this! At least, I think I can. But that's all you need, right? The little engine that could only thought he could, and he scaled that mountain pretty good. My turn. Our turn.

Let's do it!

Amanda