Journal

I'm going to have to make this short... it's almost bedtime! But I'm uber-behind and want to update a few things. REALLY bad with my weekly weigh-ins, but I'm trying to stay on top of that...

Weight isn't where I'd like it to be, but it's not the forefront of my focus anymore. The primary thought? BABY.

No, I'm not pregnant now, and bear with me as I explain a bit about it.

I've wanted kids since I was 16; I've wanted another since Nina was 6 months old; I've wanted to be a single mom for over 6 months, and just recently I've had the means and motivation to go about doing it. I'm tired of being in endless, unhealthy relationships, yet I want more kids... so therein lies my solution: Be a single mom. I'm already one, to my beautiful three year old daughter. We're doing great by ourselves, and I know I can handle it with another. I want about 4 or 5 kids eventually, but 2 on my own is perfectly fine. So for a few months, I stewed about how to go on doing this. 

The answer came at a family reunion, if that doesn't sound redneck enough to you! Lol. I met a cousin there (DISTANT distant cousin, we're talking like 9th cousins, removed...) and we became fairly close friends. Now, this guy Justin (not to be confused with criminal ex Justin) is also gay; but we went out on a date anyway as friends. Justin has also wanted to be a priest since he was 7. Since he wants to be a Ukrainian Catholic priest, he is expected to get married (and yes, it has to be a woman). We got to talking, and somehow came up with that he would donate his "gentlemen" to my cause of being a mother. 

He started looking around on how to do it; clinics in the area, since he's gay and all priest-ly. It started to get expensive, and I wasn't sure why he couldn't just sleep with me since he had stated he would sleep with his wife for the purpose of children once he's married; he clarified that WE'RE not married, and he isn't fond of the idea of pre-marital sex anyway. Damn. 

Days went by, us planning on how to do this. He was a perfect answer; involved, but as my friend and an "uncle" from the distance, helping me financially from time to time as I need it, and babysitting/visiting when in town. 

It started getting complicated (we hadn't officially started trying); he talked to a priest about the situation and he mentioned it would alter his chances of getting into the seminary; in fact, he'd probably have to choose a whole separate demonination and may not get in ever. Based on this information, I assumed Justin would pull back on me and decide he couldn't do it, since getting into the seminary was his life-long dream.

Not a HUGE loss, though I loved the idea. It would've been expensive to go get AI every month, not to mention it doesn't exactly have a high success rate.

But since I had started planning with Justin, I was on the Baby train... I was ready to do this. Now I needed a way. I put up an ad online, just to get an idea of what kind of person I could find, but I'm not very impressed with my responses. It's very overwhelming, and not exactly safe!

Then there was this friend I've known for a few years now. We text, talk from time to time... and I asked if he's consider it. We started chatting up and originally planned on him not being involved at all, but just observing from a distance via pictures. After some time, he tells me he wants to be involved in the pregnancy - taking me to visits, getting me prenatal vitamins, being there for me - and then being there as a dad for Maddie (I've started calling the unconceived baby Maddie, though I have no idea it would be a girl). Nina wants a baby, and I do too.

At first I wasn't happy with the idea of Nick being around for us. I was planning on doing this alone, not having a father there. But the more I think about it, the better it sounds. We could still sign something that prevents us from taking advantage of each other, but otherwise just be friends with a baby in common. 

Problem is, he doesn't text back as often as I'd like, and I have many questions!!! He's already answered a lot, like we'll have physical sex, he'll contribute when he can, he'll stay the night sometimes when I've ovulating, he'll try until I'm knocked up, that kind of thing... but I still have more questions. We're going to start trying in two weeks! I just started AF so I ovulate in two weeks and he's wanting to start ASAP. 

Meaning, I need my questions answered by that time. So I'm a little impatient not hearing from him every day to get them answered! Yes, I'm horrible at waiting lol A day or two to wait isn't normally bad, but if we're trying in about 12 days, I need to have these answered before I try. 

Also, since I decided to start having Maddie right away, I've been cleaning crazy. Which is awesome!!! I hate cleaning and I never do it - yes, my place is a disaster. But the last week, I haven't stopped for even a day. I go to work, I come home and make supper then clean. Tonight I got even more accomplished, and it feels amazing. I hope I can keep this going... I want my house spotless for when Maddie comes. Which will be a first, because even though the place was relatively clean for Nina, it was my mom who did it with the help of my "in-laws" because they didn't think a baby should come home to that. They're right. But this time, I've started much in advance and plan to continue until it's all done. I get two weeks off work now, so hopefully I can devote a lot of time to that.

I've started prenatal vitamins, yay me! I've also bought a thing of diapers... I'm going to prepare best I can by taking advantage of sales until the birth. For PRACTICAL baby things (like diapers and bottles as opposed to the pink frilly dresses I bought last time!) and house things (ex: toilet paper, deoderant).  I'm also going to save like hell!!! I'm doing this, and I'm going to do awesome! Nina will be an incredible sister, and we'll be a wonderful little family. 

I just need to hear more from Nick!!!

So yeah.

Oh ya, "Maddie" is short for Madison, which was my original pick for a potential name. But it doesn't go with my last name, so I like Madelyn. A lot. Madelyn Kiera is really cute!!! For a boy, I figure Gavin Emmett is a great name to go with for now. So I refer to her/him as Maddie, until I find out what it is at the ultrasound (in which case, I'll STILL refer to her as Maddie because I'm not going to tell anyone but Carrie what I'm having!!!).

Sweet dreams, y'all... I have to go fold laundry before bed!! Xoxo

Where to start, where to start?

 I don't know really. I feel like I want to shut down. Just... stop operating. I'm not really sure why. I woke up this way. I was getting so good at not being depressed! I can't even say this feeling is depressed... I'm just... I don't know. Sigh.

It's like, everything is going wrong at the same time.  I've been sick lately so I missed work yesterday and today. And, since I forgot to hand in my timesheet Friday (when it's due... Monday at the latest, because I get paid tomorrow)... I was supposed to hand it in yesterday and I wasn't there so I won't get paid tomorrow. And this weekend was my brother's birthday, so I spent my rent money on his bday supper and other goodies for his party. AND because I missed two days this week and two last week, I'm not going to have as much money. Ick. I know it's my own doing, but it's still miserable. Just because I'm ill.

The trip to BC is in August. I needed the money by last week, and I don't even have half yet. Hopefully my income tax return will be enough, but I have no guarantee of getting it in time because I did it late and I may not get the money until mid-August.

Again, all my fault but I just don't want to deal with it all anymore. I'm sick of working, but I need to because I can't afford to stay home... a part of me wants to kill myself just to stop dealing with it all. There's no happy medium! And I'm soooo lazy... I can't lose weight, clean my house, whatever.... and "real life" support isn't as strong. I feel like Carrie and Misty are the only people I can talk to. Even my male best friend, Kelly, isn't so much anymore... he's getting married this summer and his fiancee just had his baby, so he's too busy for me. I don't know why he's with her, she drives him crazy. And he's kissed me before! They should just break up. But I don't know if I could be with him even if they weren't together because I'm completely mental when it comes to guys I like, which is why I opt to be single right now. I don't want to be jealous and paranoid on top of this all.

So where to go? What to do? I don't really trust myself right now but I don't know where to turn. I want to stuff my face with McDonald's and chocolate. I'm tempted to slip into old habits, and anyone who knows my mental state knows what that is. I don't even want to go to work anymore, even though I need the money, because I don't feel like getting up and dealing with it all. I'm sick of it! 

I'M SICK OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know what to do, where to turn. My only theory is no sudden movements, no sudden actions, or I'll end up doing something I regret...

Well, I guess I dropped the ball on that one. I can't really keep an accurate journal if I'm not writing constantly! I suppose I've just been too busy to sit down and relate my tales, but I know I know... no excuses! I'm sorry!!!!!

Day... err... Entry Two: The Support Network Expands

I made a new friend. Her name is Carrie and I think we're going to do GREAT together. She's about my height, same weight, same fitness goals, same level of energy. She also has physical issues to deal with, so it's great to have someone like her to talk to. We don't live close, but we email and it's really helped knowing someone is in the EXACT same spot as me and we're helping each other out. 

I have another friend, Misty, but I don't get to hear from her much lately because her personal life is very hectic at the moment. She's another person who knows a lot of my issues, both weight-related and otherwise, and it helps to vent sometimes.

I have a friend who lives in France, who knows NOTHING about my "battle of the bulge", but it helps to have people to talk to nonetheless. I think if we can have friends, even if they don't know our inner struggles, that it helps us feel loved and accepted. So even the people who don't know I'm fat, or don't know I feel like a failure, or do know and it doesn't scare them... they all contribute to a happy heart.

I haven't done a TON of "active" weightloss things lately, more psychological. Like, I try to say "no" when I'm not hungry. And I try to eat smaller portions instead of ordering the big meal. Small things like that. I haven't heard back from the Weight Wise Clinic yet, but that's okay... I also haven't decided if I should take the pills. They're awfully expensive. 

Still single, still trying to stay happy with it. I usually am, it's just the evenings that get very lonely. I think I will go read for a bit after this. I like not sharing my bed! I like wearing what I want to around the house, "spare tires" and all, because it's comfy and not care what a boyfriend might think. I don't go out when I don't feel like it, I can dance around and my daughter doesn't judge me, and a ton of other fun things. Plus, I want to take bellydancing and pole dancing classes and no one will tell me it's for a man! I've had a hard enough time justifying my tongue piercing lol. Carrie recommended a book to me, but the library didn't have it so I must wait until they have it in so I can read it. Anyone else have recommendations, either reading or exercise (or diet), please tell me!

Oh, and I'll HAVE to tell you all about my hilarious cousin story!!! Another day, my friends. Another day.

*Afraid to step on the scale after my food intake the last few days...* Eeek.