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vantron 
6:01pm, November 22, 2008
I can not believe how my cognitions and emotions vaccilate to such extremes. I don't even want to acknowlege my self loathing in contrast to what my Spirit says. years ago I achieved such stability. I traveled, spoke about recovery lived chemicaly free despite some pain and raised my third son alone. Now I cant straighten my fingers back or legs, getting to the store is my major feat for the week and my kids want nothing to do with me cuz "I'm psycho". they dont understand depression bi polar PTSD whatever. They undertand that Mama aint who she used to be. Every time I'm involved with my Ex-husband I decompensate and I just cant believe I do it. Man I hate my brain and my body. Thank God I don't do the things I think of doing to ease my suffering...I miss the old me. I wish I could let God get me the hell out of His way. I want to be the hell out of my oe=wn way too. ALL I have right now is the willingness to willing to be willing. LOrd take it from here.
