I am Nemo
April 17, 2009 10:21pm
I am not take and I am not want
Shun the light, sheild my eyes from the incessant barrage of all things bad that come into view
It is so clear, is …
Progress
10 %
notfound404 
12:58pm, June 13, 2009
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About Me
notfound404
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About Me
Bipolar and anxiety disrupt my life immensely: I went to a shrink at 30 years of age and said 'I have all I want and I still feel horrible'. I did the therapy and pills, so many pills. ADDH? Depression? A painful 8 years. FINALLY a Bipolar, rapid cycler diagnosis. It seems to fit best and the drug stratagies (cocktails are a reality) are working much better. There are NO SILVER BULLETS but I am better more of the time than before. At least I have a chance for peace now and then where as before I was just lost and sad and angry; completely out of control. I still do get very messed up but I have meditation and drugs to help. I have accepted this as something I have to manage the rest of my life. So be it. I am happily married and a great teenage daughter are my support group at home. PEACE TO YOU ALL .... notfound404
Bipolar and anxiety disrupt my life immensely: I went to a shrink at 30 years of age and said 'I have all I want and I still feel horrible'. I did the therapy and pills, so many pills. ADDH? Depression? A painful 8 years. FINALLY a Bipolar, rapid cycler diagnosis. It seems to fit best and the drug stratagies (cocktails are a reality) are working much better. There are NO SILVER BULLETS but I am better more of the time than before. At least I have a chance for peace now and then where as before I
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Interests
piano(bill evans jazz piano), meditation, buddhist precepts, gardening, ambient music (check out itunes/radio/ambient/and try Groove Salad or others), TV(house, futurama, family guy, monk, psyche, battelstar gallactica, midsomer murder mysteries),
piano(bill evans jazz piano), meditation, buddhist precepts, gardening, ambient music (check out itunes/radio/ambient/and
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Recent Activity
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Journal
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Like a Sick Banana Slug...
March 9, 2009 9:59pm
Now the polar opposite of the 'freight train' now that I have dropped deeply, quickly into depression. Just existing is …
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Like a Freight Train...
February 4, 2009 7:32am
Well I stopped taking Xyprexa for sleep and stability due to the side effects. I take it intermittently with/without Prozac to get out of …
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friends and some hard times again...
January 31, 2009 3:38pm
I did have some DS members accept my friends invite and it really made me good. I thank you dearly and hope we can share good vibes, or a …
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new friends?
January 30, 2009 9:19pm
Today there were threads about a CL and all, a leader, moderator, a horse built by a committee(ends up looking like a camel). I found …
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Hugbook
Hug
hey, i realized you did not put your poem in your journal, i'm sorry , i thought you did,,,,but it's all good....mostly when i write poetry i do not put it on ds....maybe i should sometime? i do have one poem i think in my journal i wrote a long time ago...but never write poetry in my journal..anyway, if you ever want to share...i'd love to see your poetry:) i need to get a poetry book, cuz often i write on papers around and then they get lost or thrown away...never to be seen again, hehe, the discombobulated person i am...yah, i think you've inspired me notfound to go by myself a journal tomorrow! ( a journal the size of a regualr peice of paper) so i have room and can move my hand, not one of those little journals..hehe, anyway, huge hugs for you my friend, maggie
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Hug
hey notfound, you are very welcome, and thank you too...it makes me feel good if i can help others....that is what this life is about...i would love to read your journal and your new poem, i will go there after this hug....anyway, yes, wrtiting can be so very cartartic...?(hmm sp hehe)...it helps me so much too, it's like you can really feel your pain, and just be there with it,,,but instead of it just staying, i think writing brings is a way to bring it out...and express it....and in doing that, it helps us heal...and also can really inspire and touch others, or at least help them feel they are not alone , (from many of our poems anyway)...you keep wrting brother..and you do not have to look for strokes, and for compliements, you know why, you are truly a beautiful person, you are here aren't you....and you are breathing....we all have god's spirit flowing through us...you know whenever if feel like i'm no good, or a failure or just i suck, i rmember that god's spirit, his energy is in me , not found, yah, and if his spirit is in me, flowing through me, flowing through my cell's, my heart, my veins..then how the hell can i be a failure...yes, we are human, yes we can get prettty fkd up, yes we make so so many mistakes...and hate ourselves for them..but you know what, at the end of the day, we have to remember who we truly are,,,,not this body, not our stupid "ego's' that make a prison for us..but we are spirit, and that is where we can find god....i lvoe you brother, keep beleiving, keep the faithe, and never, ever give up...we're all here to carry eachother..ok? big hugs for you my friend, maggie
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Shout Out
hey you! just wanted to give you a shout...and tell you i'm thinking of you.....and sending you a hug....for peace, and no fear, and love,,,,,,,and all things pure and good.....deep peace for you my brother...love, maggie ps, here, and around anytime you need a shoulder, or someone to just talk to,,,,,,or just some lmao's...cuz humor saves me......and i hope it helps save you...maybe together...all of us can help save eachother adn i think thats' what this life's all about..especially us bp fucks here on ds...i love all of you guys so much...i'm so thankful for all my beauiful friends here on ds...xoxo big hugs not found...! maggie
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Hug
hey notfound, i'm sending you a big hug of peace, and hope, and love, and laughter....i commented on your march 9th journal..(i think that was the one) anyway, i wrote some suggestions for supplements for depression, that i got out of this really good natural health handbook i have...it was a nice size section on bp disorder...anyway, check it out and i hope it helps you...peace to you brother, love, maggie
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Photos
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Goals
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Support Groups
Close Bipolar Disorder
Bipolar diagnosed at 40yrs. Don't know, symptoms match and treatment the best I found. So must be true. I have successful stragies to share, and some har issues remian. Life is hard.
Treatments
- Abilify Not Working
- Made me feel like some impending tragedy was about to occur, any dose. Horrible experiences.
- Depakote Not Working
- Lamictal Working / Worked
- What I take, seems to minimize the 'swingset' called bipolar. Not a silver bullet, dizziness at hirger doses
- Lithium Somewhat Helpful
- up to 12mg just recently
- Risperdal Not Working
- I am going to retry at higher doses so hopefully I can stop using the xyprexa as much.
- Symbyax Working / Worked
- I take this for any 'event', for any sudden swing, and more recently will use at any time manic dysphoria kicks in which is my BIGGEST problem area by far. The stuff works though I am concerned about the diabetes danger and I definitely gain weight. This stuff is a miracle (or just make it with xyprexa and prozac coctail) for stopping the racing mind and for sleep.
- Tegretol Not Working
- Wellbutrin Not Working
- throws me into mania
- Zyprexa Working / Worked
- Works to calm mania or depression but zonks me and scares me about the diabetes issues reported.
Close Anxiety
Anxiety eats me alive. I do a lot to manage it with very marginal success. I do rely on Xanex or Klonopin quite a bit(my DR says I am too conservative and worry too much about becoming addicted...irony is sometimes so ironic). But mostly I worry, endlessly. Death will definitely give some relief in this area...no worries, I am not racing towards that end:)
Treatments
- Breathwork Working / Worked
- I lack discipline to use this, but when I remember it works sometimes.
- BuSpar Not Working
- nada...hey did I even take anything?
- Klonopin Working / Worked
- My keeper. Cheap, long lasting..it works. Not too sleepy either.
- Meditation Working / Worked
- Off and on. You know the key thing about meditation is doing it. And I cannot control my lack of discipline and if I am really wacko(a lot) I can barely sit 2 minutes. More on this in chatting I am sure. BUT SOME OF MY BEST MOMENTS OF PEACE HAVE BEEN IN MEDITATION using buddhist 'type' thinking/introspection, etc.
- Paxil Not Working
- minimal help, side effects
- Trazodone Somewhat Helpful
- I used to use for sleeping but makes me way too drozy and I felt it made me go depressed easier.
- Valium Not Working
- Knocks me out if I use a dose high enough to make the anxiety subside.
- Xanax Working / Worked
- Greate stuff for quick relief(panic, high anxiety), but makes me drozy in doses high enough to give really good relief.
- Zoloft Not Working
- Minimal help and side effects
