Journal

Its hard to believe! It's been a whole year. Yesterday would have been the marker of that day. I wore my "relay for life" tshirt all day, marking "victory" for myself.

True, two months and 1 week ago from today marked the day that I discovered the lump a year ago.... but the biopsy marked when others truly started to stand up and take notice of something going on w/ me....

It has been a journey. It has been like no trip I've ever taken before in my life.

I believe that it has made me even a stronger person than I ever thought I could be. (I have always been told I am a strong person.. always standing up to any challenge... this was THE challenge.)

WOW!!!!!! When reading up on all of this, I had found the statistics pages after I found out my stage in all of  this.. and yes... there were moments when I felt that I  utterly was defeated, that there was no possible way to reach up from  this and "win".

I know that Satan was working hard, hoping that I would falter... that I would fumble.. then stumble... he was hoping that I would blame God for all of this.

HE LOST! He lost so badly its not even funny....

I've been on a journey, a self-finding  journey... God's been carting me around for a year, letting me test my wobbly legs when I felt I could... letting me rest when I needed to -- cradled safely w/in His loving arms.

I say that it's been a self-finding journey because *I* am a totally different person than who I used to be. I don't want that old person back.. that person who was too quick to take life for granted and let the simple (yet oh so important) things slip by unnoticed.

I have been able to "wait patiently for the 'sound of the Lord' to speak to me" through the gentle rains, the breezes, even the torrents of the storms as they've passed by. I've been able to capture moments in time like I had  done years before, in my youth, before life became too busy and too preoccupied...
We, as a people, get so busy.. so caught up in the day-to-day goings on that we forget that there is a life to   LIVE         L- I- V- E live!!!!!!         Sure, we still have to pay the bills, go to work, clean our homes....

I am reminded over and over again of a lil verse that I had found in a book or magazine a long time ago.. perhaps it was even a cross stitch that I did eons ago.. I am not sure:

"Cleaning and scrubbing can wait til tomorrow

for babies grow up -- we've learned to our sorrow.

So quiet down cobwebs; dust go to sleep

I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep."
That lil verse reminds me OVER and OVEr to cherish LIFE and LIVING and the HERE and NOW....

Is my home a pigsty???? Heavens no! I couldn't stand that!!!!!!!!

Is its  immaculate????? Nope, not gonna happen.. I have things to do in life, called LIVING!

I have people who are important to me in my life who I want to be able to spend time with, do things with, cherish laughing together with.. and yes, even at times, crying together with...

Throughout this journey, I've had to remind myself different times that God's in control of this one, that I can't do this one... it's "HIS puppy"! Cuz otherwise I WOULD feel defeat. Cancer is a HUGE mountain to hurdle... But, I figure since God created everything in this world, He CAN take care of a "pueney" lil thing called cancer, if it is  within  His will to do so!

I keep saying that there's a reason for  having gone through all of this. The surgeries, the chemo, the radiation, the total mental attitude change.... the entire new approach/outlook on life in general....

Was it because I was hurrying through living too fast and not enjoying it?????

Was it because God has a plan for me to help others because of what I've endured?????

Was it because my loved ones needed a wake up call as well, that life is fleeting.. take it and LIVE it... ??????

God has something very large planned for me.

I still say "phooey" w/ the statistics. You know thoses doctors who throw over their patient's info to those statiticians where we're all a number, not real people, and they sit and evaluate how many of "Us" make it, don't make it, have it return... etc....

I keep saying THEY DON"T KNOW  MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Sitting w/ less than a 50% chance of supposed to be around in  two years.. and that same less than 50% chance for 5 years.... BAH HUMBUG!!!!!!!!!        They can keep their stats...

I've got "one year down and MANY MANY MANY more to go!!!!!!!"

Are there changes in my life that I'm not too hip on??????? sure there are....

It'd be nice to feel my fingertips and I"m pushing myself to do fine manipulatives so that I can try to regain more ability there.

It'd be nice to not have to feel the crunching pressure in my toes like I"ve  gone around all day in a pair of high heels.

It'd be nice to not have to feel the  forever pain in my lower back, hips, knees, tops of my feet, ankles from the Tamoxifen.

It'd be nice to be able to live in the world that is full of gray things/areas and be okay w/ that instead of NEEDING everything to be black or white... and totally concrete. (There used to be maybes, and lots of gray.. now it MUST be black or white and it can't be thrown in my face at the last minute.. that's too much! Is that from the cancer? the "absolute" of cancer??? that cancer is either life or death???? is that from the chemo??????? I think it's a mixture because we have come out of a topsy turvy situation, fighting for top not bottom... choosing to find white not black...  getting OUT of the gray... we NEED the absolute. We need to KNOW what is what because we've dealt w/ the "worst  unknowing we'll ever know" and have an answer, called LIVING... BUT I also think its from the chemo too.... the "chemo brain"  is something else I'd rather "do w/o"

BUT

with EACH of these things that make me different from who I was (not even gonna go into the lacking a boob and a bunch of lymph nodes and now forever needing to be cautious of my right side w/ infections etc.. cuz having the breast removed was okay for me --  part of what made me a woman turned against me and caused me to be sick.. be gone w/ it!!!!!!!!!)

BUT

each of these things... this  person I am..... everything reminds me that I AM alive.

EVERY single ache and pain that I feel  reminds me   to be THANKFUL for every breath that I take... cuz I could be in a grave right now, NEVER feeling pain again.

Instead I look outside at a pretty good sized mud puddle in my driveway wishing that I didn't have somewhere to go this evening or I'd like to go jump in that puddle and get filthy while having a blast doing that "LIVING THING"!!!!!   Cuz NO I am NOT too old. None of us are.

We have been given the PRIVILEGE of an opportunity to LIVE life w/ a new perspective.

We have been granted the ability to find out others "like us" in this horrid disease and allow us to come together to battle this.... helping one another along the way.. be it through literally standing side by side or from many, many miles apart. We can laugh together, cry together, hold hands and hearts together, pray together, and choose to LIVE life together.. because we are strong alone but we are so much more powerful together...

I will continue to pray for each and every person I know who is afflicted w/ this horrid disease.... that we Can ALL stand up and FIGHT w/ all of our might, and win... I pray that each and every person calls out to God on high, and asks Him to guide  them, carry them, comfort them... not only through this time, but throughout the rest of their lives as they give Him back praise for saving their lives and allowing them to live in this beautiful world He created!

We are warriors!!!!!! Strong!!!!!!!! Proud!!!!!!!

It is TIME TO  LIVE!!!!!!!!!! Shall we???

I really don't have a selected area of thought in this writing

other than the fact that I know I've not written anything for quite some time and figure that I had better do so...

I have been through doctor's appointments and scans again (as stated prior)... had a scan a lil bit back that showed that the nodes and nodules in question are still enlarged but have shrank slightly (yes slightly is the word the results states!)

What do they think it is?
I don't think they even know.

I do know this. I was put ont another antibiotic. Then my oncologist ran some more blood work (I'm still waiting for the results of that to come back!)

We're very thankful that the difference btwn the two scans that were a lil over a month apart does show some shrinking of the nodes/nodules. Why are they still enlarged? Guessing at this point awaiting for the blood work

Family doctor thought okay the antibiotics and steroids must have done some good w/ the "pleurisy" so lets do more antibiotics.

I was taken OFF of that antibiotic as it caused some serious side effects that from best I can figure could be something I might have to worry about the rest of my life... geeeeee thanks... LOL

AND the oncologist is looking to see if perhaps there is a disease/disorder going on, and then would be the "what has caused it" as it appears there always is an underlying outside agent introduced into one's body that causes this particular disorder/disease.

He says well surely it's not the antibiotic as you were just put on it. SOOOOO I'm waiting for the results still b4 I REMIND him that ALL of this started TWO DAYS AFTER I STARTED TAKING TAMOXIFEN!!!!!!!!!!   Sometimes I wonder if he really thinks things through b4 he speaks..... bless his heart.....

With these nodes/nodules involving my lungs I have no real energy. I am easily tired from doing  mostly nothing. I figure coupled w/ the after effects from the fatigue from the chemo and radiation... we're doing great!

Going to the grocery store is a TRIP w/in itself. Driving the 3 miles to the store is taxing. Walking around the store is very taxing... bending down to get anything from lower shelves is a joke, as the joint pain in my hips, lower back, knees, ankles is excrutiating trying to do so! By the time I get the grocery shopping done I've had so many bouts of hot flashes it isn't funny. I could  wring myself out that is for sure!

I was having a hot flash yesterday at the grocery store. I was in the frozen foods section PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!! Cuz it was a dooozey..... Some lady actually asked me if I was okay cuz I had backed myself up and leaned against the ice cream!        I told her I was going to be fine but thanked her for asking. Told her it was a hot flash. She said oh i know what those are like. Told her they were caused by tamoxifen. She had a friend on it. We spoke for quite awhile. She was inspired she said by my attitude. Told her I wasn't going to have any other attitude than the factor that I am going to beat all of this... that sure it is hard at times.. it's draining at times.. but that it could be a whole lot worse.. i could be in a grave right now..   thanks to a precious Heavenly Father I am not!!!!! It's to Him I owe my life to. be it right now w/ pain or whatever.. so be it.. I"m a'live...

So yes, even through the taxing trip to the store I was able to be a walking witness of what God can and does do for us ...     My one son said "hog wash" but I told him that God "showed his favor in my witness" by makiing a lane open for me to check out just as I was needing it while the lanes around me were full. I was the first person to get the new lane... he said he didn't believe that was cuz of that. I said "Oh ye of lil faith!"

I am hoping for more energy. I pray for it. Hoepfully if this is this disorder/ disease whatever he's calling it... hopefully if it's cuz of the tamoxifen they can do sometheing about it/for it.

I know I'm not on much anymore. I still think of you all so much.. and hope and pray that things are going well in your lil corner of the world.....

I guess this hodge podge is coming to a close.. as its 7 at night and I haven't eaten supper  yet.

Praying that you all are doing well and are having a great summer....