Journal

i am in my count down mode, im very anxious to get surgery over with and hopefully start feeling normal agian.  my syptoms have gotten worse and new ones have shown up, i have more questions about my surgery than i do answers, im still not sure how they will cut me , how long it will take or anything... im really going in blind sided but then maybe thats good.. it is less for me to worry about right now. 

   im not nervous or scared over my surgery i know i have an awsome doctor and im at peace with all of it, i just cant wait to stop these headaches and hopefully the other syptoms as well.   i had a new mri sunday but have no results yet.. i feel like i live at the doctors and hosptial.  and i have started missing work so i am glad this is coming to an end.

   the hardest part so far was explaining my medical directive choices to my family and having them witness those choices. noone wants to imagine that something could go wrong but i decided i wouldnt go into surgery with out this being done.... i have my husband my kids and my folks to think about and i have to keep them in my best intrest,  and what a tough choice.... people come out of situations everyday.. so at 34 i have to decide if i would want to be kept alive by life support.... is a 5% chance worth it... to my family it would be to my boys it would be but that 5% chance dragging on for year after year would be worse on them than letting me go to heaven, it would destroy them to see mw like that for days.. months and then years and they wouldnt be able to move past it and heal.. and i cant let that happen to them.   i guess it seems a little selfish to not give them an opinion, but thats a time that you would have to let your mind over rule your heart and i cant imagine how hard that choice would be and the guilt that may come with it.   and if something should ever happen i want my family and husband to be at peace with it and to move on,  but hopefully it will never be a choice that needs to be made.

    im going to close now, i wish you all a great day , and blessings of peace , love and healing.

opal

today is one of my not so great days.

i got a full nites sleep but im just exahusted, i cant stop stressing over the fibrous dysplasia and the chiair malformation... i know these will get worse over time, how worse i wonder.

i cant be sick, im the back bone to my whole family and back bones have to stay healthy and strong they have to keep the family going, they cant get weak or fall apart.

 i wish i had more answers than questions.. why 2 rare conditions, didnt god think 1 was enough, what does god want me to do with this.. he has to have some reason for me to have these. 

and what about my boys and my husband... if i cant function they cant see me like that esp if the chiair was to paralize me... and i dont want to live that way.

 surgery is an option but which one do i choose? do i choose to try both, and what about the work i miss and the bills we need to pay my husband just got back to work after being laid off for 9 months.

 why am i so tired all the time , and mt temper is horrible anymore and it seems i cant control it at times even tho i try, and i have lost my appetite and dont want to eat...  why am i like this, im an emotional train wreck and i dont see any positive changes heading my way just yet.

 im getting thru each day by getting up going to work , and being around my kids, my husband , my family and the support i get on daily strength.   and my poor husband, as the fibrous gets worse how can he stay married to me when i look disfigured, even though he will cause his love is true and not based on looks but, he married an attractive woman full of life and a future and he ends up with a fragile sick disfigured shell of a woman.  and is that all im becoming?  a shell of a woman.. what has happened to the vibrant nothing can stop me, fiesty, hard headed, stuborn, firecrack that i used to be a few years ago.  were is the real me?  and how do i get back to being me agian?

 i pray to god for answers and to anyone that can share their storys with me.  i need to know that i am not alone.