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babygirl28 
9:04am Friday
So, it's been eleven days since Ronnie and I stopped seeing one another. Okay, so, it was more like one day we were a couple and the next, we weren't! I'm not really sure what happened or what is going on! I've cried a whole lot, but other than that, I still am no closer to knowing what is the cause behind all of this shit! So, you're probably saying that I need to start at the beginning, so, here goes......
Oct. 3:I took Ronnie out to dinner for his birthday and we celebrated his birthday at my best friend's house with most of our friends there to help. Then, we went back to his house around 1 a.m. and went to bed as I had to work at 9 a.m.
Oct. 4: I woke up, showered, dressed, kissed Ronnie and wished him happy birthday, and went to work. About, an hour and a half later, I missed a call, and not recognizing the number, called back. It turned out to be a detective that said that there was an emergency and that I had to get to my boyfriend's house ASAP. I rushed to the house to find my boyfriend nowhere to be seen, cops all over, and my boyfriend's oldest son and his girlfriend standing outside. After going to his son, I found out that my boyfriend was being questioned in a cop car as his roommate (owner of the house) and friend of 20 yrs, had shot himself to death sometime the night before and the roommate's live-in girlfriend hadn't heard anything and woke up to his dead body.
So, then we fast forward to Oct. 7: The friend's memorial service......after the service, there was a get together at his fav bar. Then, Ronnie, took me home before I was to go to work and told me that he never had any intentions of moving in with me, marrying me, or having kids. That he loves me but that he's been through that before and that he's just looking for a companion. So, instead of going to work that night, I confronted him and we had a looooong talk before we were okay (or so I thought).
We spent that weekend together like always, but he didn't want to do much of anything. I thought it was because he was still grieving and I know he's really angry and confused about his friend's death, but I was just giving him time and being supportive. Well, then, we were okay for the beginning of the week. He spent time with his friends, but that was normal and he still called me and I still saw him before work like usual. Then, on Thursday, Oct. 15, he told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore. That it wasn't me, it was him. Other than that, he didn't tell me anything. A couple days later, he finally called me but just to say that he didn't "want the responsibility of a relationship." Well, come to find out that he thinks I "deserve better and that he is letting me go so that I can find the right person that I deserve." Other than that, he won't talk to me. I do know he's not really talking to anyone right now and I know he's going through a lot, but dammit, what gives him the right to say that, tell me I'll always be his babygirl, and just walk out of my life! I love him and want only him! He's been my heart and soul for a year and a half and I've never ever wanted someone else! I'm just not sure why he thinks I don't deserve to love and have a relationship with who I want to be with! I'm so broken hearted right now and I'm not sure how to heal my heart. I'm tired! I'm tired of being sick! I'm tired of being the strong person everybody goes to! I'm tired of being here for everyone and only a very select few being here for me! I'm tired of having to rely on me and only me to take care of me and especially, when I'm feeling like shit, I have to get up and go to work because of all the bills that need to be paid! I'm tired of feeling alone because the one person that I give my heart to wholly has chosen to give it back! I feel like I'm not ever going to find someone to love me because I've been there and done that with guys who only "accept" the lupus until they get into my pants. Then, it's "bye bye." I thought I'd finally found "the one" with Ronnie and now, I'm back to the single world and I am scared, lonely, and confused!
So, here, I am.....really, really unsure of things and really and honestly, tired.
Comments
Baby girl, Let me give you a hug. Do you think it is because he feels he couldn't help his friend that he is a failure in all relationships? People do weird things in grief. I bet with time things will get better. I am here if you need to talk more.
CinnamintStick
this my sound simplistic; but God loves just as you are warts and all.
roger the minister - verse
Isa:44:24: Thus saith the LORD, thy redeemer, and he that formed thee from the womb, I am the LORD that maketh all things; that stretcheth forth the heavens alone; that spreadeth abroad the earth by myself;
rogerledwards
goodness! you never told me about his friend's death. I agree with Cinnamint, that people do weird things in grieving. my mom lost her 1st daughter like 30 years ago and is still grieving. that probably explains all the weird things she did while we were growin up.
anyways... i don't know if he just feels like a failure and said screw it i'll end this relationship before it fails, or what?? OR maybe becuz of the grieving he feels he has to much a burden and doesn't want you (or the relationship) to add as a burden too? some people when they get depressed crawl inward and isolate themselves from everyone else close to them. you know, push everyone away and become a loner.
but then you told me that he moved in with his ex...? i really don't understand what the heck is goin on with him. i wish i could help you figure it out. you're my sista from anotha mutha! and from a different dad too, but who cares. you're still my sis!!!
man, i really wish i could get some of that money back from from my ex land lady ($2,700) so i could come fly over there and see you.
don't lose too much sleep over this (i know, easier said than done).... I pray God be with you and grant you some peace and serenity. you really deserve it!
bluesun