daisyrose's Journal

I haven't been online here for awhile. I've been back in class and things are more hectic than I had anticipated. I'm still battling with the school to stay a student. I had to submit a new essay, an appeal letter, letters of recommendations and 3-5 peices of my art. (in which I submitted a slide show presentation portfolio) It has been over 2 weeks wondering why they would tell me that I'm not a good canidate for a graphic designer. I've been sitting here wondering for the last few weeks if my art is even good enough. (even though my administrator asked if they can use my portfolio as an example for future students) I have sacrificed a lot in my life since starting school which I knew that would happen and that collage will do that, but if it's all been for nothing...then what. I've told my administrator that if I am dropped I will stop drawing and my art will be a part of my past. I have tried 3 times now to do something and make a living off of my art and it's gettin me no where but heart ache. You would think a student with a 4.0 would be a great influence for others. But my high school grades apparently show more about me than what I am now. I know I made mistakes in my past, I know I scewed up in my high school years, but that is not who I am now. Why can't people except that with time, people can and do change.

This is just the top of the cake...what has been hurting the most.

I have been having a few more break downs in the past few weeks than I would like. Friday was the worst. The asshole ex I dated a year ago, his aunt died. I called his mother as I still care for her, and then I text him and just simply said, "i'm sorry to hear about your aunt, take care." he text me back a few hours later and said.."thanks..oh and to let u know before someone else tells you, I asked andi, (gf he cheated on me with) if she would marry me and she said yes." This was yet another slap in the face. Not even 4 years ago, the same thing happened with my son's dad. They even asked me to sign their marriage lisence and make their wedding flowers. What a flash back. I flipped at work. It's not like I wanted to marry that ass for as much as he hurt me....but still it hurts like hell yet again to know that i'm just not that good enough to be that something special to someone.

I've also been told that my county funding is up and that I have to start paying for my med checks and my appointments with my shrink. nice uh? A bipolar patient trying their hardest to better themselves and this is what they get.

work is still stressfull. My car keeps breaking down and I can't afford to fix it. The damn window fell down and was stuck down. My son's dad did a temporary fix with a damn tool holding it up. a nice slam of the door and it's down. The head lights are still fucked up and it sounds like a damn nascar. The tires were fixed and now the other tires nee to be fixed. When my desktop crashed and I lost all my pictures and copies of my art, I kicked my damn car and didn't realize how big my foot is. Nice dent on the side....

Every inch of my body has been killin me. My back being the worst. With my lower back surgery and injury to my upper back, I have been loosing feeling in my legs more. With my upper back, and drawing more than i'm used to, I have been having loss of feeling in my arms and my hands have been twitchin as I'm drawing. Making me feel art may not be the best thing for me as it has been putting me in a lot of pain. Imagine your dream in life not only giving you heart ache, but also physical pain.

My sister came to visit over the weekend and I haven't seen her or her family in over 2 years. It was a disappointment as I didn't know or realize how much of an alcoholic she has become. It made my visit with her unbearable. I did however spend a nice time with my neice and got a new rose tattoo to cover up a tattoo i did when I was 14 with indian ink. Cover up the past does't make it gone for good.

I have been so involved with school and work that i'm even putting my relationship with my bf on the line. He's very supportive, but I feel i'm just not good enough for him either.

this is all just the shit on the front burner...the little things are not as imporant,but those things hurt still. for those that have wondered, I hope you understand why i'm not up to talking as the only thing at this time that is making me fight so hard is keeping the thoughts of suicide out of my head. The battle I have been going through mentally is getting harder to keep at bay. My head tells me that it might be worth it to be gone, but my heart is tellin me how much my son would be devistated. I don't know anymore...I'm just killin inside and I just want to be left alone to get over it. Daisy