daisyrose's Journal

well, i guess i am having a moment. i am having my own pity party and i am not going to invite anyone. fuck it. don't need anyone there anyways. so here is my confession. i put myself out to be this strong woman, now that i am medicated and stable i just don't care anymore. i have a plan that is the only thing that is motivating me to go further. i have had 2 great chances in life, and i let them pass me by. but then again, they were right in my hands and i let them go too. i wasn't good enough for those chances. now, i can't go back. i can not change the past. i won't have those chances again, so i am stuck where i am at. and no, for those that know me, i am not and i repeat, NOT talking about love. i am talking about my career, my life, my art. something i once loved doing. something i have given up on. just like everything else in my life. i have given up on my son, that's why i am just a weekend mother, i have given up on my family, i actually told them off., i have given up on love, i have given up on what i thought made me happy, i have given up on hope, (like that did me any good anyways). all i do know is that i do want to live, just so my son doesn't have to bury me at a young age, even though his step mother takes very good care of him and does a great job, he's still the love of my life. the only love i have. he does not judge me, he has not given up on me, he doesn't hurt me, he loves me for me. but then again, he doesn't know any different. give him some time, and in a few more years he'll learn what a disappointment i am. he'll learn what i could've been. he's already told me he wishes i finished tattooing school, and that i would've been good. he told me he was proud of me when i was going, and when i had to quit, i felt i had disappointed him. i wanted to show him that i could be someone, that i wouldn't waste my life away at endless/brainless jobs. and here i am working 3 fuckin jobs that have no future. i have worked 12 jobs in the past 7 years. man, i'm really being a good role model for my son. NOT!!!! the one plan i do have, well i know that will disappoint him too. in one month, i plan to move out of my bf's mothers house. and i know he will not be coming with me. i am best off being alone. this house is too crowded, and i need my own space. a place of my own. a place where i can be alone to figure out how i can live again. man, i thought i was doing better. yeah, i lost some weight, yeah for me. i thought i was feeling better about myself, i guess not. i thought my meds were working, i guess not. i guess that is what i get for thinking uh? well, now that i have confessed all my fears, all my anger, all my hurt, all my everything, i am done. so i say now, fuck u, fuck me, do what ever cause i don't care. see ya on the flip side of things. daisy