Journal

so a week and a half ago i was approched by my boss and in a suttle way was asked to step down as supervisor. she said due to the stress in my life with school, my kid and bf and with work, my attitude has changed. I defended myself to a certain extent. I told her i will step down and go ahead and cut my hours too, but I will also be finding another job. Rumors of course started that night. I was pissed. everyone there is talkin shit about me and even to saying shit to my bf who also works there. no one there realized or even knows that i was givin a choice of steppin down and was givin a choice to cut my hours. I had finals last week and only wanted that week cut but she cut them this week to. I apparently pissed her off too, so i think she is slowly weaning my hours to get me to quit so i won't get unemployment. I won't do that no now. I've never had a write up and they have no reason to write me up. I wrote my boss a note, (even though she claimed at one time i was her friend), and handed in my keys and said, it has been made clear to me that my position is no longer available to me as you said it would be. There are rumors going around that i was stealing money, so in order to protect myself and my job, i will no longer touch a register. When I deliver, i will have somone watch me get my money for my bag and when i drop the money from my bag. i was polite and not bitchy about the letter. In the past week and a half, everyone stops talking the minute i get in there, i feel i am just not welcomed at a place i thought i fight in.

then this one empoyee, roland. he has made my life hell as i believe he is trying to get my position. he has come in stoned and talks about drugs loud enough in back that customers could hear. he is chuggs new neighbor. which i feel bad for chuggs because i knew this ass was going to make his life hell with parties and so many people coming over there. when my computer crashed, (my desktop), this ass was there and heard me bitch about chuggs. Now yesterday he saw me pick up chuggs and we went to another town to get out of town and to get my laptop checked out. Now this ass has on his facebook status "i think people who talk trash about another person and then hangs out with them are fuckin twofaced." So i wrote his sister a message, who also works with us, and explained that chuggs and i have always had a love/hate relationship. There have been times when he's pissed me off and times i have pissed him off. times we have not talked and times we have talked everyday. Her brother doesn't know the situation between us, doesn't know or understand how bipolar people work either. That if he starts shit with me at work it won't be good.

This is why i don't want to be friends with n e one. this is why i hate thinking i could be friends with people i work with....but all they do is stabbed me in the back. this is why i shut myself out from the world and pretend i don't exist. I keep to myself and draw. i draw because it's the only thing that seems to be keeping me happy. this of course is the top of things right now. sorry chuggs i was distant from you again, but i can understand if roland said shit to you, if you don't want to talk to me. He's an ass, and only in it for himself.

I am just a numb body

walking no where

feeling nothing

and i don't care

feeling numb from u and me

my dreams fading away

and i'm numb

my pain is not real

my feeling are not real

it's sad i'd rather

have the pain then feel the pain

it's just not me

i guess i'm not real