Journal

One year ago today, you took one last precious breath on this earth, and peacefully drifted off to be with Jesus and your beloved Poppy.

In the 14 months that preceeded, you suffered through more horror and pain than anyone should experience in a lifetime, yet you did so with such grace, courage and dignity, that we couldn't have been any prouder of you. Through those 14 months as I stood right by your side, I prayed for nothing more than the ability to take that vile disease from you, and watch you dance again. I questioned God - why her? Take me instead, I've lived out so many more years than her, God...she's just a baby.

But no matter how hard I prayed, it seems your destiny was already mapped out for you by someone much more powerful than I. However it's not as it seems - your destiny was not to live 18 wonderful years, spend a year suffering and then leave. You made far more difference to many more people than you could ever have imagined. I believe your destiny was to teach the world what faith, hope and courage really mean. To show the world the best way to face a cruel, insidious disease with that infectious positive attitude you posessed. You were and continue to be an inspiration to so many.

The past year has been filled with heartache and tears, as well as smiles and laughter as we remembered the good times. We have had ups and downs, good days and bad days. There have been many changes in our lives and family, but one thing remains constant - we miss you more than words can describe, and your memory will live on in our hearts and in our minds for eternity.

There are so many things I long to say to you, questions to ask, stories to tell....I would give anything to be able to hold you and tell you how much I love you one more time. You've sent me many signs over the past year that you are watching over us...maybe I'm imagining things, or maybe I just want it to be true so much I have started to make things out of nothing, but I truely believe you are close by me, pulling me through the dark times, and laughing alongside me in the happy times.

Rachel, my angel, today will be a hard day...but then so have been the last 364 without you here. It's just today so many of the bad memories of those horribly hard last few hours are lingering, and we must try our best to push them away, and replace them with the beautiful memories of you singing and dancing, doing what you loved best. So we will do our best to get through today by surrounding ourselves with these happy memories, and smiling, laughing, crying, remembering.

My darling girl, we miss you so. Please continue to watch over us and guide us through. Be near your sister as she sits her final exams next month - I know you were with us at her graduation last week, I could feel it.

We love you and are so proud of you. I can't believe it has been a year already, but we think of you every day, and know that you are dancing free in Heaven. We are wearing purple ribbons today, and are watching film of you singing, dancing and performing.

We will never forget. We love you.

Love always, Mum and Tanika xox

Wow, it's been a while!

Sunday marked the nine month anniversary of Racehl's death. It was a hard day, but I can't say that it was an unusual pain, because every day lately has been hard.

We had been told to expect this - for it to get even harder 6 to 8 months onwards. But we didn't expect the aching void that is present in our lives everyday to just grow and grow.

Still, every day has its blessings and we try to take the most from every second. We know only too well how short life is, and if there is one thing Rachel taught us, it was the preciousness of life. We miss her so much, but as Tanika frequently reminds me, Rachel would be so disappointed if we didn't continue to live. That's not to say it isn't hard. Some mornings I just don't want to open my eyes and face yet another day without her. It hurts. It actually physically aches. But I get up, and I go through my day for her.

We speak about her all the time, and the house is full of photos and memories - we wouldn't dream of hiding her memory away. Her friends still call up to check how we are, and to share memories they have. Sometimes they email or write as well. It is a breath of fresh air. They are so sweet.

This time last year we were in one of the most frightening times of our lives, with Rachel having unexplained seizures and spending time in the ICU in a comatose state. I had my faith in her, but I can't deny that there were times when I feared she wouldn't make it through another day. We were blessed that she graced our lives for another 3 months after this harrowing time.

In family news, Tanika is doing well - studying hard for her mock-final exams, and her final exams coming up over the next few months. We know she will do us proud. We are proud of her no matter what.

John is working hard as always. We are toying with the idea of planning a memorial event to raise momey for Osteosarcoma research. Compared to cancers such as Leukaemia and Breast Cancer, there isn't a great deal of awareness or funding for research into cancers such as Osteosarcoma, Ewings, Neuroblastoma, Rhabdomyosarcoma and so many other rare beasts that I saw take the lives of our children. I'll keep you updated.

That's about all from Casa de Scully. Sending love and prayers to those who need them,

Linda