endofillusions's Journal

So i just keep sleeping. once i fall asleep, i can't seem to wake up.

i'm almost an hour late for play practice. i feel like shit. i had a horrible bout of indigestion earlier. it reminded me of being a kid and lying on the bathroom floor screaming my bloody lungs out for comfort and having no one ever wake up. that just happened way too much. but i never did anything about it. :S i remember thinking i was going to die all the time. i never realized it was only indigestion til like 3, 4 years ago. but, i never cared. i just wanted the pain to be over. i just wanted someone to hold my hand as i slipped away. 

fuck. that sounds so depressing, and sorta symbolic. :P but it's true. i've never really had that "natural" fear of death. but that's a topic for another time.

argh. so yeah. i don't know what to do. and i don't know why i don't know what to do. i mean. i should obviously go to play practice. but, i'm too ashamed/embarressed/sorta want to be kicked out of the production anyways. fuck. i feel so shitty. soooo fucking shitty. i woke up like an hour ago already. but i sat in my bed contemplating whether or not i should even keep living... weighing the pros and cons of certain stupid and ridiculous actions... just NOT functioning properly for like at least a half hour. i should take my meds. fuck. i ate some oatmeal to take them with...and now i know that i am going to have another bout of that fucking indigestion. fuck. i hate pain.... yet i cut myself to feel it? :S damn it, i'm not going to practice. i don't care. fuck everything. 

i just don't think that i can stay in school anymore...something is seriously wrong with me. maybe i should go back to the hospital. though i sincerely doubt that that will actually do anything. *sigh* fuck me.  fuck my life. i just don't care anymore...i want to... but...

i wrote this during play practice last night, it's random, really random but aplicable: 

Why can't i do my homework?

Why can't i go to class?

Why do i want to leave school? 

    -i don't care

            -why don't i care?

                    -i don't see a purpose or a point

                                 - i don't have a real goal

why does womb rhyme with tomb?

yeah. really random. just me trying to answer questions. and getting no where. as per usual.

yeah. fuck it. i'm not going. 

dani's parents are here, though...  fuck... fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

i feel so alone. i wish i was with...was with someone extremely dear to my heart. i think i could care then. i think then i could be happy. i really do.