The whole story.... (as far as …
The whole story.... (as far as my family goes...) Part I I've had issues with grieving for my family for quite some …
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lindsey2008 
11:32pm
Feeling very gloomy right now. I just got a phone call from my niece saying that Nikki passed away lastnight! Nikki was my cockerspaniel mix who my ex husband and I had. I remember the day I took home from the pound. She was as cute as a Button. When my ex and I departed company I left Nikki to stay with him because of the curcumstances that a few of you know about when I was in the spotlight.
Nikki was all my ex had left to keep his life going! All he was living for! Now he has nothing!!! Nikki died in his arms at home. He knew her time was very limited and called in sick from work all of lastweek. She's been fighting from a bad heart over 2 1/2 years. Steve, my ex spent over $20,000 on her to keep her alive. They put her on some kind of experimental pills that were very costly, but gave her 2 1/2 extra years.
My sister told me he would of sold the Condo we lived in to keep her alive. Steve, said to my sister I have nothing to live for now. Everything I once loved is gone from my life.
I'm feeling horrible and so heartbroken for him. I worry so much that he'll do something drastic and I blame myself for my harsh behaviour.
I wanted nothing more than for him to find somebody and start a new life so he could be happy again. I just went about and did things the wrong way and he really didn't deserve it. So he had a Gambling problem, that was no reason for me to run out on him the way I did. I still love him just not in the same way. I lost all my trust in him!
I just pray to God that someday he could find happiness in his life. I feel so guilty. My whole family was there for him when Nikki died. They all went with him to the Vet to say there goodbys and I wasn't there for her.
I feel like I betrayed her, cuz when I adoped her I always told her I'd never let anything bad happen to her. And what do I do? Walk out on her!
The quilt thats pouring over me right now is killing me. Why out of something good always something bad happens?
Nikki please forgive me. Even though mommy left there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think of you and I took a picture with me so I could look at you everyday. I have it by my computer. Mommy loves you Baby, Never forget...................RIP my angel................... :(
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I believe that God knows our intentions and feelings of "guilt" as sent by the negatives of the world with the intention to "shake our Faith" None of us do "the right thing" at any given moment, but from those moments come the lessons in life that brings our intentions onother step further up on our "Ladder of Life." I feel that you are a very genuine, caring lady and whatever you did in the past has brought you to where you are now. Appreciate yourself for all that you "do do" particularly on this website and all of the people you help. You could give your ex this website and maybe that would help him. Also just a thought,how many good things have you seen that have "not" turned out bad? Look to yourself...your a good thing...your not bad. God never makes anyone bad. There are beginnings and endings to everything...it is how we chose the experience is what makes the reality "good or bad."
My heart goes out to you as you know I have had 3 major losses this year. I will pray for you and your family and for the goodness for both of us in the New Year...be well...L
lalalinle
Thank you Lalalinle for your most uplifting reply. I guess it's alway easy to blame ourselves in time of sorrow. If we could only buy back time and make it right.
Hopfully 2009 will be a better year for all of us. Happy Holidays and a prosperous New year to you. Lindsey
lindsey2008
Oh Michelle...im so sorry you are feeling so sad and guilty..babe you had to do wat you had to do,and you left your precious puupy with a man that loved her so much..thats not a bad thing,thats a kind thing babe.x
please dont do this to yourself,you are kind and loving ,you are a person i know puts pple before you,,you are so lovely Michelle.x i sit here and cry while i type cos i know the pain our animals give us at times,,thats cos they make us love them so..x
look at the love she gave and the love you gave her,what a life she had..i too have felt guilty with Sox and her cancer and all her other illnesses and wondered iff i could have done more for her,the truth is we couldnt cos they have all our heart and wat else can we give them..im thinking of you at this sad and time of reflection and hope you find some peace in your wonderful heart...love ya friend DD.xxxx
didede007
thank sweetie, i guess i'm just shocked and knowing my whole family was there to say there goodbys and i wasn't. She probably wouldn't of remembered me anyways and that breaks my heart even more.
lindsey2008
I am so very sorry you lost your baby Nikki. I know how hard losing someone so close to your heart is. But I also know that the love you gave her was never forgotten. You did what you felt was right at the time. I also think that leaving Nikki with your ex might have been a very special gift that you might not perhaps see right now. When I read your story about how well he took care of her and the things he did to try and make her comfortable and happy it makes me quite relieved that she was so well loved and that in itself I hope will bring you a bit of peace. Not many people in this world would have given so much to a pet. Nikki was a very lucky dog to have people like you and your ex love her so much. I also think she knows how much she meant to you both. Sometimes I personally feel when we lose someone so close to our hearts the feelings of I should have done this or I should have done that creep into our minds and haunt us for awhile. It will take some time for the wounds to heal but I firmly believe that you and your ex will get through this. Animals to me have special senses and most importantly they have hearts bigger then anyone I know. Their main focus in life is to keep people that are special to them happy. And I think she brought a great deal of joy to both of your lives. I also think her presence and company in the years she had left with your ex were happy times. He may have just needed her a bit more then you did and I think she sensed it and in some way so did you. So don't be too hard on yourself because you gave a piece of your heart away to those who needed it. I think if Nikki was meant to be with you physically that would have happened but from what I can see from reading your story she was always with you deep in your heart. I think she knew you were tough enough to make it without her and therefore she stayed where she was most needed. Pretty smart dog in my opinion as she could have caused lots of trouble for your ex if she truly did not want to stay there. So although I know this is a very sad time for you and my thoughts and prayers certainly are going out to you I hope you know that your Nikki is still watching over you and always will be. She knows how much you loved her and how much she will be missed. And although you could not be there to say goodbye along with your family I personally feel Nikki heard your goodbye the most. I know the days ahead will be tough but I think you have a lot of things in life to look forward too and even if you need some moments to sit and cry I think that is a good way to release a lot of hurt. Big hugggssssss to you and I will light a candle for your Nikki. Mucha Love
Kate
katiebell68
Michelle, its easy for me to say dont beat yourself up,I left my 2 babies with my ex , I couldnt take them and I wouldnt have anyways, just like your ex my ex loved those 2 and it was bad enough that I left, my Chelsea dies two years ago and Madison passed last month , even though I left them I never forgot them, I used to go and visit with them, I bought them both but when my ex met someone she was threatened by my existence even though I did all i could to make her comfortable around me but i understood and felt it best to not go by and I never saw my little ones again, but I know, just like you do that your ex loved that baby and she had a good life and he did all he could, its difficult to make that choice to leave but you did what was best for you and her, she knew you loved her , dont be so hard on yourself,she would have remembered you Hun , you know that, how else would all those babies be waiting at the rainbow bridge for us ? They dont forget us , those that truly love them , your Nikki is in your heart forever and you are in hers ..always....I'm very sorry , I know how hard it is , I have 2 babies here and thats why I am here still..youre in my thoughts and prayers ...go light a candle for Nikki , send her a message at icanpray.com, get some of those feelings out,I think that would you , I know you understand what I mean, you've been there before, go talk to her, I'm still talking to Giz , trying to get thru the holidays without him, but hew here with me and Nikki will always be with you {{{HUGS}}}} Love Bonni
Gizziesmom
A pet is a child with fur, really, an innocent being who relies on you all of its life. Nikki probably understands more than most people give credit for. I am sure she knew, at a primitive level, an honest, pure level, that Steve needed her so much. She might likely have chosen to stay with him. You did nothing wrong. You really tried, with the best intentions, to do what was best for all concerned. Living involves loss, sadly. It is what we learn from those losses that makes future gifts more dear. We can always find some growth ferom loss. This may be a trigger to help Steve get his life back on track. I don't do the "G"-d thing, but I do feel that circumstances line up to teach us what we need to know, on a psiritual level. I also feel we are rewarded for learning each of life's lessons, riding through each of life's rough patches. I believe that brighter days will eventually come from this loss, even though it hurts so badly right now. May your beautiful friend rest in peace after she crosses over the Rainbow Bridge, where no pet ever suffers again.
LindaPoet
OHHH Sweet Linda, Thank you so much for your warm hearted letter. Your such a sweet women with always kind words to fill a persons heart.
I know I did what felt right in my heart at the time. I know how much it hurt him when I left and I knew if I took Nikki he would of had nothing. I hated leaving her behind, My heart told me something else and I always follow my heart.
Whats killing me is i always told her I'd be there for her and i'd never leave. She was a one of a kind dog with such a different personality that I haven't ever seen in another. My parents who really aren't animal lovers fell in love with Nikki. As funny as it may sounds we always thought she came back as someone we once knew reincarnated because of the things she do. She was so amazing and caught the hearts of many. Rest in peace my angel and please look for linsey for me and give her a hug and tell her mommy misses her so much as well.
HUGS MY DEAR FRIEND and hoping you have a Wonderful holiday and a Healthy & prosperous New Year!
Love, Michelle xox
lindsey2008
It's funny what you said about the reincarnation. My dog Patches sometimes gets this look and I swear an angel is there of someone who has departed and is watching over me! Some nites I have found myself with hiom on the bed and after I say goodnight I whisper in his ear " Keep me safe" and then he sleeps with me all nite long right at my side. Rainbow bridge I believe in it as Linda ( a friend who is as wise as she is wonderful) is coreect... Don't blame yourself... She knows you love and miss her but would she want you to torture yourself? Don't dear girl... Live to the fullist - play with the pupps and enjoy your husband and the life you have.......
Bless you and your home Michelle....
ClaudiaD
My dear friend...I am so sorry to read about Nikki. I believe that she always knew how much you loved her. Now she is playing with Lindsey over the Rainbow Bridge. You don't need to feel guilty, but I do understand. You are such a loving, compassionate and caring woman. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Love you.
AzGal45
sorry 2 hear about nikki prayers
mycat