teenytania's Journal

Very upset, very nervous....

There is only a week left...I have my preop appointments tomorrow and Wednesday.  It is finally starting to hit home that I am going to go through with this.  Having problems with anxiety sucks.  I keep going over and over everything and cant let my brain rest.  My dad will be in from Arizona in a couple of days and all of the rest of my family will be here.  I am going to be sure to catch up most of my emailing and messaging before the weekend because I am going to try and spend as much time with family and friends as I can.  Everyone has given kind words and I am so appreciative of everyone.  This probably wouldnt have been scheduled if I had to convince myself to do it so thanks for everyones support. 

I am worried that my mother in law is going to have problems taking care of my three kids all week.  Seems like it will be difficult because one day last week I had her keep them and it seemed like she was overwhelmed.  The last thing that I want to worry about are my kids so I will need to come up with a backup plan.  I am also torn because I have a 13 month old that loves me to pick him up and it is going to kill me to see that baby hold his arms out to me and I am not going to be able to pick him up and hold him.  I will just have to not think about those kinds of things.  My older kids are being difficult because they are under so much stress from this that they are not getting the attention they deserve. 

I hope the outcome of this will be that it will stop the scoliosis from getting worse.  That is the only reason that I am doing this.  It is not for cosmetic reasons - or just wanting to get rid of it. I would not ever have done this surgery if the curve had stayed where it was.  I just would have lived with it.  But now faced with not having a choice to wait it has made me confront things that I would have never thought about before.  Coming up with a medical directive and a living will since I have a husband and three kids has been difficult.  Having to think about how your kids will be taken care of if something happens to you at 28 years old has been difficult.  It has made me really reconsider how strong my faith is. 

Anyway, rambling on.  Hopefully in the next couple of days I will be able to make my brain calm down and rationalize everything that is getting ready to happen.  My uncle is a preacher and is coming up this week to talk to me and pray.  Lots of people are praying for me and I appreciate it.  What bothers me is that my husband seems to have a very cool head about this and doesnt have any emotion when it comes to worrying about me.  He says that he is just being strong but he doesnt seem to understand the huge concerns that I have. 

Thank the lord for dailystrength and my friends on the message board or I dont think that I would have the nerve to go through with this.  I will probably give everyone an update after the surgery and let you know how things are going.

Thanks, T