Journal

I have been considered on here as a selfish, arrogant and defensive person.  Maybe I do need mental help.  I have been through a lot here, not to mention that my hubby has to working for the sheriffs office at the time of his best friend being hit and another killed by William Morva and then the sheriffs office having to deal with the mess at Virginia Tech twice now.  There was another murder there last night.  Thanks to everyone who has supported me through my surgery and ups and downs and I think that this message board has helped me out a lot but I have had a few people say that I am self centered and I am not the only one in pain.

I realize that totally, I know I am not the only one in pain, but I was asking a question about what to do with a doctors office that treated me like dog shit?  I got a call back from that doctors office with an apology from the administrator and I think the girl was fired.  Anyway, that doesnt matter because I am selfish and shouldnt have even brought it up.  My marriage has survived this surgery and a police officer's job.  (Many people on here hate cops and I think that has something to do with it too) The stress that comes from these things are enourmous but also add the money and the children thing to that to, a drug addicted parent, a father living 2,000 miles away and no other family other than your mother in law that thinks that you are a piece of crap.  No one knows my entire story and can base an opinion on only what I have put on here.  I will not tell my entire story in fear of someone scrutinizing mine and telling me that I should be happy that some people have it worse.

Thanks to all my friends that give me hugs and totally understand where I am coming from and I will encourage you and your wellness.  But this thing on here is ending up being more painful for me than helpful and I am really considering trying another avenue of healing.  I will have some time to think about it but in the meantime try to get some help from a counselor.  They do not pass judgement on anything you say and are there to listen. 

Thanks to all that have listened.  I really appreciate it.  Hopefully will post soon with an update on how things are going.  TaTa for Now.  Tania

I have gotten on the scale and lost another 10 lbs, so that totals about 35 so far.  I guess surgery and pain and meds help you lose a little bit from time to time, you dont feel like eating, and Im trying to walk a little bit each day.  Still in a lot of pain, doc downgraded my pain meds - I think that he doesnt want the responsibility of having someone on narcotics.  I tell them at every appt. exactly what I am feeling, no BS but they still take it down a notch each time and say it's in my best interest?  Im thinking next time I go back I am going to ask for a referral to a pain management clinic to see if they can help. 

I was denied for disability, not sure why because I listed all of my health problems and the chronic pain, but they said that I could still work.  They did admit that I had several limitations but were convinced that I could still do a desk job?  What is up with that?  I have problems sitting too long at my desk at home without pain so not sure how they would fathom that I could sit for 8 hours a day and handle it right now.  I am going to get a lawyer after listening to everyone's advice, basically everyone has said that you get denied for the first time.  I applied back in 06 before my surgery and was denied then, so I think that they are afraid that they would have to back pay until then, and with the economy the way it is I think that has something to do with it too.  Im not lying or trying to BS the government to get a check, I have a legitimate claim, so this is what I will have to do.  Appeal will happen.

Still in a lot of pain nowadays, but the fusion is taking, and my curve has not progressed anymore, which is very good news.  If I could get rid of the pain and muscle spasms I think that I would be happy, but dealing with this constant pain is really getting to me and making me depressed.  The put me on Zoloft, but I do not really see a change yet, maybe I havent given it enough time to work.

Everyone family wise has been supportive.  My hubby had to go back to work today so I am trying to take care of three kids three months post op and this will not be easy.  I am going to have to teach my 1 1/2 year old how to go down the stairs by himself, because I cannot hold 30 lbs. and walk downstairs at the same time.  My 9 year old helps me a lot when she is here, but she has to go to school.  I don't have any other family that can help me during the day so I will have to deal and cope with this the best I can until hubby gets home in evening.  What really sucks is he has to go on midnight shift in a couple of days so not only will I have to take care of kids all day, but at night too and not sure how I am going to handle this.  The best that I can I guess.

Thanks to everyone on DS that has helped.  Everyones advice has been great and given me ideas that I wouldn't have thought of on my own.  Sometimes I don't know what I would have done without DS because hubby gets tired of hearing me complain about my back, and I could understand why - he has been at home taking care of me since my surgery in Oct.  LOL Guess he was excited about getting out of here and going back to work. 

There is some reasons behind why I am feeling so crappy... #1 Only two months post op #2 Found out I am anemic.  Doc says that he wont take me off pain meds yet since still hurting, I just wish that it didn't have to get refilled every 10 days, it gets kind of time consuming when I have an appointment every 4-6 weeks.  They also told me to take a supplement with Vitamin D, Calcium, Iron, etc. maybe I can find it all in one pill. Anyway, they said that my spine is fusing which is very good news - what they did , the whole purpose of the surgery is working.  I can't wait until I can be for sure that I don't break anything back there. 

They did say that I could try picking up my son but not to push it but not to overdo it.  They want later on to downgrade my pain meds to something that they can give an anti-inflammatory with but not right now since everything is fusing.  I guess I am willing to try this, but if I am in too much pain I will be sure to let them know it.  They did put some kind of shot in my shoulder blade today which helped a LOT with the muscle spasms that I was having back there, and therapy is next.  But like I said they are not pushing it yet because they want everything to be healed up.  Anyway, everything is OK for now, and just trying to get my mind wrapped around getting better and getting off the meds.  I do think that I am going to see a doc for the arthritis in my lower spine and see what he can do to help.  Everyone have a Merry Christmas!