Today has been a day of improvements, …
Today has been a day of improvements, thank goodness. Rachel's ANC has jumped from a grand total of 30 yesterday, to …
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pstrevels 
8:36am, August 31, 2009
Well I did survive the one year anniversary. I ended up just wanting to spend time with him by myself, but unfortunately it didn't work out that way. My oldest son and his girlfriend were there, and my niece whom Ronnie and I had for several years wanted to go with me. We all sat there and talked to him, and we sang him that song, Run another mile. And while I was singing to him I could've sworn I heard his voice. I don't know maybe it was just wishful thinking. I did ok at work until flowers arrived. The owners of the store sent me a beautiful bouquet just to let me know they were thinking of me. I thought this was so sweet, and my employees gave me cards of love and encouragement. But the main thing is I am making it through this grief. Yes, I still cry and wish things were different, but I can't change them. I think this is just a rough month for me, cause I am so angry that he had to die. I feel so cheated that we didn't get to grow old together. And yes even with my faith I have so many questions and know I won't get the answers to later on. Has my faith wavered this year, yeah you bet. But I know that God is in control and he has his reasons for the way my life has turned out. Do I know what those are yet, no, but in time I will. I just thank God so much for the blessings in my life and the blessings I know are going to come in the future. Even though right now my life seems empty and void, and the tears fall like raindrops, I know things will get better. Hey, I always told Ronnie I could never live without him, but I have for a little over a year now. I would've never thought I could survive losing him. But I am not a quitter, and as many times as I have thought about taking my own life, my love for my sons and family and God has kept me sane. Our son's have already lost their father, they can't loose me too. I guess the main thing is one of these days Ronnie and I will be reunited again and spend eternity together. That is God's promise to all of us, to live for all eternity. And whay may seem like a long time apart for them it isn't. WE just need to remember that our time without them will seem like a short time compared to the eternity we get to spend with them. So i guess that sums it up how I have been feeling. I just still need all your prayers to lift me up, and i will pray for you also. I have found such wonderful friends here, and without you all I don't know where I would be. May God Bless each and everyone of you, and bring you peace,
Love ya
Pam
Hi honey,
I miss you still so much. The loneliness is horrible, but I am thankful that you are not suffering anymore. Those 35 days were pure hell for you. But my darling your pain and suffering is over with, and you are with your Heavenly Father. Just remember though when it is my time to leave this shell of a body that you come and take me home. Cause that hope of being with you again is what is getting me through. I love you always and forever,
your loving wife
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awww Pam, I wish I could just wrap my arms around you and somehow take all of that pain away from you. I know you're hurting, sweetie. I know you're angry for having to lose Ronnie. Although he isn't here in the flesh (which is our preference, isn't it?), he's not very far away in spirit. Do you know that he's there planting tiny seeds of hope that one day your future will be just a little bit brighter than what it is right now? I know it is very hard for you to imagine that but from everything you've told me about this wonderful man I can't imagine the Ronnie that I've learned to know from you would want his Pam to stay so heartbroken forever. Remember how he was able to find peace in the fate that he was facing? Remember what you told me about how he said to someone to leave you alone and let you cry? What I'm saying is that he found the strength to face what was coming and wanted you to have the freedom to do what you needed to do to face it also. Ronnie was a very caring, loving man who adored you. He is there to comfort you, I know he is. He does not want you to grieve him forever. One day down the road the time will be right for you to find that same strength that Ronnie had at the end to go peacefully where he needed to go and for you to go forward into your new future. One filled with a little more joy, a little more hope and a little more peace. You are gaining that strength a little at a time. I've seen it, I've heard it. Yes, it still hurts like hell for you but you're making that progress that you are so desperately hoping for. You have those precious memories to take with you when you are ready. I can only imagine how you cherish them. Whenever you share them with me I can tell that these are embedded in your heart for always - exactly where they should be. It's all we have left so they are what we cling to. You're such a sweetheart and I want you to not hurt so much but know that you will until you don't anymore. This may not sound like it makes sense but it does and I think you will know what I mean.
Just keep on doing what you're doing - you are making Ronnie so very proud.
Love you so much, Judi
JudiB
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I feel EXACTLY as you do, and so glad that we are here for each other. It will be two years in July, actually next week is the week he was diagnosed. I have NO idea where those months have gone... My kids and grandchildren are also what keep me going.. I also love JudiB comments, it is the whole truth.... Huge hugs to you today.....
alicea
My prayers are with you.. In my year I feel I have grown closer to our Lord. I know I still get mad at times, and I still cry but we are making it both of us we started our journeys about the same time. Love Michelle
mhively001
hey sis, hang in there, I know you are gonna make it thru all this. Ronnie is strutting the streets of gold he's so proud of you. And so am I. Proud of you that is. No streets of god here in western north carolina, just streets of mud.LOL. I love you. Call if you want to. Any time. Love ya, Laura
laurahp
I'm keeping you in my prayers my dear friend and I'm sorry it's been so hard for you.
solostmilla
Reading this was wonderful for me. I at times question why I am in so much pain and feel at such a loss without my Bob. Thank you, Pam for sharing this. I don't feel so 'out of place' now. (((hugs))) Patricia
SadTime