Join Now
pstrevels 
8:36am, August 31, 2009
Hi all, well it has been quite some time since I have posted a journal. Really been sometime since I Have been on here as well. So first let me apologize to all of you for not being here to support you. I just got to that point where I knew I needed to let go, and try to move forward. And this place can bring so much sadness just seeing all the new widows and widowers on here everyday. I have come to the point of acceptance. But I still miss him like crazy. I am trying my best to start this new life, and find some happiness again. I look back all those months ago, and I think how did i make it this far. I never thought i could live without him. But when you lose them, you have to go on, there really isn't a choice in the matter. Not a choice that I would want to take anyway. I have cried so many tears, been angry so many times, depressed most of the time, and I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to be happy like Ronnie wanted me to be. He was such a terrific husband, and i was truly blessed to have him in my life for 17 years. I don't know what God has in store for me yet, but I do know he has a plan. I have also learned that I could love again, so I feel like that is a big step on the road to recovery. And that is exactly what he wanted, me to love again. So I guess we will just have to see how that goes. Of course I would have to deal with the guilt of moving on, but in the end there really shouldn't be guilt. I loved him till death did us part. I will always love him, but this life is so very lonely. I just have so much love to give, and it would be a waste to keep it all in my heart. Well that is me 15 months later. What an improvement, still not quite there, but I have faith in God that i will get there. So I love you all very much, and you are in my thoughts and prayers everyday, Pam
Hi Baby,
I miss you, I still love you. And I know we will be together again someday,
love you always and forever,
Pam
UPDATED GOALS
find peace with his death
Progress 80%
Encouragements: 2
Add your support
Comments
HI Honey,
You know I was so looking forward to this week off. I figured I would get some much needed rest and get some things done around the house. Well, definetly sleeping in. And some things are getting done. But honestly without you here this is the worst vacation I have ever had. Maybe I should've worked. Cause this week has been full of sadness, no fun. I have had so much time on my hands to think about our life together, and your death. Maybe it is a good thing I went back to work so quickly last year. Cause if I had been home who knows what the outcome might've been. Do you remember the vacation we took to Guntown Mountain and Mammoth Cave? We had such a wonderful time. Of course we didn't make it into the cave cause Troy was scared it would fall down and bury him. So instead we took the boat ride on the Green River. We loved the outdoors. Most people on their anniversary would go out to dinner but not us. WE just spent the day hiking at the state park, and ate a picnic together. Just you and me marvelling in God's beautiful nature. I thought about going for a walk in the woods this week. But it has rained alot. I would not trade one memory of our life together for anything in this world, not even the bad ones. Not a whole lot of bad, but there are a few. Sometimes we wouldn't see eye to eye on the boys. But at the end of the day, that didn't matter. Our love was strong and it could survive anything. I know what you are thinking, enough is enough honey. Get on with your life, quit crying over me. I am waiting for you, but you have to live until it is your time. Get out there and find that man I described to you, lol. Sorry honey if I have disappointed you, but not quite ready for that man. Don't really know if I ever will be. The way I look at it is I am still married, you just live somewhere else. And that wouldn't be fair to anyone else. But I guess I will leave that in God's hands. He sent me you, and if he intends me to find love again he will send me someone. And if you remember you told me that no one would ever take your place. How right you were. When God made you he broke the mold. I was truly the luckiest woman on this earth to be loved by you. And I miss that love so much. Well, I had better go for now. I will love you forever and always baby,
your loving wife,
Pam
Comments
-
Pam, I'm so sorry that your vacation has not been restful and peaceful as you'd hoped it would be. It's understandable that you would spend alot of time reflecting on your's and Ronnie's life together with nothing to interrupt those thoughts all week. I'm sure in alot of ways it's been really sad for you but then on the other hand maybe it's what you needed. I'm not sure that it will help you to get past the intenseness of all that you've been feeling for so long. If nothing else it may just help you appreciate having somewhere to go each day - like to work. Because of all the other trials you're going through right now I know it only complicates your grief at this point in time. I wish there were some magic I could do to lighten your load but unfortunately there's nothing I can do from here but to hold you in my heart and send you all my love and keep you in my prayers. And my prayer for you would be this -
"Dear Lord, you have created this very special and loving lady. She has suffered such a tremendous loss, her darling Ronnie. You have him in your loving arms right now, dear Lord. Now I ask of you that you would be with Pam and hold her too. Send your grace to lift her spirits. Fill her heart with hope and peace. Give her what she needs to rise above this valley she is traveling through. Send a light to brighten her pathway as she travels this unfortunate journey. And most of all, please exchange at least some of her pain with a joy that only loving you can create in that empty place in her heart. Please tend to her tears and wipe them away, at least long enough so that she may see your light and follow it to a happier place one day. She's very special, Lord and deserves to get through this but she needs your help...Amen."
-
Hey Sis, See we shoulda been saving Ms Judi from the jungle this week, then we would both have felt better 'bout ourselves. I think it is so wonderful that you have such great memories of your anniversaries. And it must be comforting to KNOW that your love for each other was strong enough to survive anything. You are living proof of that.
Its all gonna be okay sis. You are truly awesome and I love ya. Laura
-
Pam - I don't have Judi's way with words, so I am copying her prayer for you and making it my prayer for you as well. Know that you are loved and and we would certainly make your sorrow go away if we had the power. But only One has that power, so...
"Dear Lord, you have created this very special and loving lady. She has suffered such a tremendous loss, her darling Ronnie. You have him in your loving arms right now, dear Lord. Now I ask of you that you would be with Pam and hold her too. Send your grace to lift her spirits. Fill her heart with hope and peace. Give her what she needs to rise above this valley she is traveling through. Send a light to brighten her pathway as she travels this unfortunate journey. And most of all, please exchange at least some of her pain with a joy that only loving you can create in that empty place in her heart. Please tend to her tears and wipe them away, at least long enough so that she may see your light and follow it to a happier place one day. She's very special, Lord and deserves to get through this but she needs your help...Amen."
Love You!
Jan
-
He is waiting for you and as my Bob they would not want us to force our way to feeling better but to take it as it comes and simply make the best of it that we can. We have God's love and the wonderful memories of the lives we lived with our husband's and this is our strength and comfort. Be gentle with yourself and simply take it as it comes. Whatever you are feeling/thinking it is alright and it is what makes you who you are - the person your husband loved. Sending you good thoughts and gentle (((hugs))) Patricia
Here it is late at night, and I am wide awake. Still can't seem to get the sleeping any better. Honey, I still miss you so much. Still not happy with this life, but it is definetly getting easier. I don't know maybe it's time to find that peace I have been searching for these last 13 months. The peace you had when you died. The peace I know you wanted so desperately for me, that if you could've you would've stayed around longer just so I could find it. I talked to Don today. He still misses you just as much as i do. I am kinda glad you aren't around, cause he is in pretty bad shape. I think it would've broke your heart to see him in the shape he is in. But I really enjoyed the talk. He told me that you knew your time was short, and you talked about me all the time. And he said our marriage was rock solid. You know I really didn't need him to tell me these things, cause I always knew our love was special. But it did help me to hear them. You know when the one you love is gone, it's just nice to hear other people tell you stories and things that you might've not known. He just reassured me that our love was special to you. I don't know maybe i am rambling, but it picked me up, but also made me sad if that makes sense? He told me that you wanted me to have a happy life, and that i need to do that for you. Just to play the cards i was dealt, and make the most out of my life. But my life isn't much without you in it. Oh baby, thanks for the dream last week. It was really good to see you and hold you again. Well not much else going on here. Taking a week off next week, not doing anything special. But gonna get a much needed break. Well baby, I had better get to bed, and try to go to sleep. Remember I love you more than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow. You are always in my thoughts, and in my heart, and you always will be.
Love you forever and always,
your loving wife,
Pam
UPDATED GOALS
find peace with his death
Progress 70%
Encouragements: 2
Add your supportComments
-
I couldn't agree more, it does get easier, but trying to find happiness is tough, even with my beautiful children and grandchildren. Seeing this eldery couple yesterday tore me up. He had the passenger side car open and the seat laid way back resting.. She came out of the store, opened her door and he just said Hi love... my heart broke, because I will never have that again, and realizing how special and how lucky they were to have each other... It DOES help when others know what you had and saw it with their own eyes.. We know it, but to realize that others saw our love was special.. Funny, but Jim and I were always together, when we were younger, we were with my grandparents for a visit and I went into the bathroom. My grandfather told Jim that he was surprized that he wasn't following me in there, but good or bad, thats how it was for us. Always together.. Part of me now thinks that is a huge problem for me, I don't want to do any traveling, etc, ALONE.... Never done it before, almost everyone I know now the wife will go to the beach for the summer, while the husband is home, and he goes down on weekends. I could NEVER do that.... causing serious issues now, but you are right, we will work thru this...I wish you a relaxing week next week, just like you said to take some "me" time, and energize yourself to continue on... Hugs,
Past Entries
| June 2009 |
|
Tuesday, 6/30
|
|
Tuesday, 6/16
|
Tuesday, 6/02
|
|
May 2009 |
|
Monday, 5/25
|
|
Thursday, 5/14
|
|
April 2009 |
|
Sunday, 4/26
|
|
Monday, 4/13
|
Tuesday, 4/07
 |
|
March 2009 |
|
Sunday, 3/22
|
|
Tuesday, 3/10
|
|
February 2009 |
|
Friday, 2/27
|
|
Friday, 2/27
|
|
Saturday, 2/14
|
|
Friday, 2/13
|
|
Wednesday, 2/04
|
|
Tuesday, 2/03
|
|
January 2009 |
Tuesday, 1/27
|
|
Friday, 1/16
|
|
Monday, 1/12
|
|
Thursday, 1/01
|
|
December 2008 |
|
Sunday, 12/28
|
|
Sunday, 12/21
|
|
Tuesday, 12/09
|
|
November 2008 |
|
Thursday, 11/27
|
|
Friday, 11/14
|
|
Tuesday, 11/04
|
|
October 2008 |
|
Thursday, 10/30
|
|
Sunday, 10/26
|
|
Wednesday, 10/22
|
|
Friday, 10/17
|
|
Saturday, 10/11
|
|
Friday, 10/03
|
|
September 2008 |
|
Wednesday, 9/24
|
|
Friday, 9/19
|
|
Wednesday, 9/17
|
|
Friday, 9/12
|
|
Tuesday, 9/09
|
|
Saturday, 9/06
|
|
Monday, 9/01
|
|
August 2008 |
|
Saturday, 8/30
|
|
Wednesday, 8/27
|
|
Sunday, 8/24
|
|
Thursday, 8/21
|
|
Saturday, 8/16
|
|
Wednesday, 8/13
|
|
Friday, 8/08
|
|
Sunday, 8/03
|
|
Friday, 8/01
|
|
July 2008 |
|
Friday, 7/25
|
|
Tuesday, 7/22
|
|
Thursday, 7/10
|
|
Tuesday, 7/08
|
|
Saturday, 7/05
|
|
Wednesday, 7/02
|
|
June 2008 |
|
Saturday, 6/28
|
|
Wednesday, 6/25
|
|
Sunday, 6/22
|
|
Wednesday, 6/18
|
|
Sunday, 6/15
|
Goal Updated
I just said this same thing on Laura's journal: just like the old Mary Tyler Moore theme song, "You're Gonna Make It After All"
I'm so proud of you, Pam, for staying strong, keeping your love for Ronnie, and yet realizing that there is love in you that could go to someone new. I've always believed that you are stronger than you realize, and you have so much to give.
Love and Hugs,
Jan
jd1982
Glad to hear from you Pam. I know exactly how you feel about the site. I have felt the same way also, and I'm going on 22 months. It only seems like yesterday, with Steve.
We are all Gonna Make it, After all, just like Jan said.
It does stink, we have sooo much love in our hearts, but we loved.... our husbands.
love & hugs
mish
michellerobin
It's okay to step back sometimes, we all have to do that. I am glad to hear from you and that you are making progress. It's okay to move forward, it IS what they wanted for us. I hope things get better for you. Love and Hugs, Martha
cliffskat
thanks all of you for your support. I love all of you, and I have missed ya
pstrevels
Hey Sis, If this was college I think today you would being getting your degree. Lord knows you have earned it. When (many years from now) you get to Heaven, God is gonna tell you how proud He was of you during this time. You always put others first, and when i started to follow your lead, I started to heal. Thanks sis. To quote a Barry Manilow title "Looks like You Made It". Love ya girl.
laurahp
You are so right! What choice do we have. sending Luv, Sue
Sue0216